Why are posters sometimes so vile on Mumsnet?

[Betchetybetch]

This place can seem quite hostile at times. The way some posters speak to others is sometimes quite vile. I’ve been here for 3 years, and I have seen many a head-tilty post along the lines of:

‘OP, you seem like hard work.’

‘OP, you need to give your head a wobble.’

‘I’m sorry but you have brought this on yourself.’

‘You need to need to look at your parenting decisions.’

And my most recent favourite: ‘OP, you sound like a peach.’ What does that even mean?

I know it’s the internet, but really, what is to be gained from posting things like this? Why does the age old, ‘if you you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything’ not apply to online communication?

I imagine you’ll ask why I don’t just leave, I’m planning to after this thread, as this is just not the experience I signed up for. Just looking to get some insight as to why it’s like this here before I go.

Let the pile on commence!

There does seem to be a tendency towards hyperbole, is something I've noticed. Things are 'vile', 'absurd', people are 'aghast'. . .

@GinDaddyRedux

Yes I do understand that and I can see your point. However, I wouldn't class the OP examples as verbal abuse.
I think they get across a point and I wouldn't be offended to hear these directed at me.

What if OP is being aggressive/offensive first? Is it ok then?

Or if their post is goady/racist/mysoginistic/disablist etc?

@Annierose293

I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells and rewrite my posts several times to make sure I haven't said anything that could possibly wind someone up the wrong way. I probably have just by posting this one.

I would say that is a clear example of something which is your issue, not anyone else's.

If I see clear examples of personal attacks I challenge or report. The examples in the OP don't seem particularly dreadful to me though context might be relevant. I suspect a lot of these threads are started by people who are sulking because someone said something they didn't like on another thread.

Disagreeing with someone else's point of view is fine, as is robust debate. You can do both of these without resorting to insults and personal attacks. Personally I'd rather the straightforward posters - nice or nasty - than the ones that are passive aggressive however. I also can't bear it someone tries to shut down a debate with a 'hope that helps' or somesuch - they are basically telling you to fork right off but don't have the fortitude to actually type those words.

@mbosnz

Completely agree!

The use of the word "vile" has been so over-used now that I just take it as "someone was vaguely off in a way which I took umbrage to".

Not the "someone was horrifically abusive and unpleasant, to the point of causing severe reaction in me".

Everything is "vile". It's just losing its meaning as a result.

MN is a hostile place it always has been in the 16 odd years I have been here.

The longer you stay the ruder you will become too.

you sometimes have the impression on here that some posters have literally never had someone bluntly disagree with them/dispute their logic/point out the fallacies in their beliefs, their prejudices or their misinformation

I agree with this, I'm afraid. We can be in an echo chamber for nearly everything and literally never hear the other side. It's not healthy to to ask a question and just seek psychological stroking / evidence of alignment rather than different viewpoints.

I sort of agree with you, not so much your examples, but some posters are vile and pile ons can destroy a thread/poster.

Thing is there is a huge diversity in posters here, it's what makes the site interesting, but it also attracts the 'I just say it as it is ' posters, who are not just blunt, but nasty.

Fwiw i once came on a 'why are posters so vile' thread and lo and behold, the OP was a notoriously blunt (if not nasty) poster. When I pointed out she had scared the shit out of me being blunt , she came back with 'prove it, prove it, if you don't, it didn't happen'. She clearly had no grasp of the way she impacted those posters she answered, and in hindsight might have had an empathy problem.

There's a lot of projection that goes on on these boards from people who are angry, very angry with their lives, their relationships, their past present and future.
And you have to make allowances. Life can be hard.
Best reaction is to report the seriously vile ones and ignore the rest.

you sometimes have the impression on here that some posters have literally never had someone bluntly disagree with them/dispute their logic/point out the fallacies in their beliefs, their prejudices or their misinformation

Agree. The other thing is, the complete shock and horror that anyone might chose to live differently to them. Some people seem absolutely astounded and gobsmacked that not everyone makes the same life choices as them. Its so so weird.

I agree with robust debate and have learnt a lot here.

I disagree with personal insults and aggressive hyperbole, especially when an OP is asking for help.

I made the terrible mistake of asking for advice on here a few weeks ago as I was struggling with worries and intrusive thoughts, mainly relating to major surgery for my toddler and the timing re Covid, concerns for the health of my baby (pregnant) and financial worries. Unfortunately I happened to mention that a trivial lockdown related thing had pushed me over the edge (albeit one I've seen lots of posters mention) even though it really really was not the bigger issue and therefore I was utterly berated. I'd never dare ask for support here again, I was only looking for practice advice in the absence of any real life support and wasn't complaining.

Maybe I'm thick skinned but I don't think any of those comments are vile.

I do think there's an increase in posters on here and on other forums like Facebook who only want to hear positive comments even though they are posting about something that they know is going against guidelines or an unpopular opinion.
For example a post asking about weaning very early was met with comments pointing out why it wasn't a good idea, linking to guidelines etc. The OP then complained everyone was negative and unfair and she only posted to get positive comments from people who had weaned early.
I don't understand why anyone would post anything like that in that way if they only want to hear people giving them a virtual pat on the back.
I'm not denying that some comments are nasty or hurtful, they can be and they should be reported.
It's often said that people wouldn't be so nasty face to face and that's true but I also think that you wouldn't walk into a public place and ask for advice/opinions of strangers either and even if you wouldn't expect every comment would be positive or helpful.

@Betchetybetch, I definitely called called someone a peach in the past week or two, so apologies for offending you.

I don’t think the ones you posted are egregious ( but as one of the ones saying those things you highlighted, obviously I wouldn’t)

Sometimes OPs are entitled or mean or petty or bigoted. Sometimes they are vulnerable or worried. Mumsnet is a broach church and we come from different cultures and experiences. It can be incredibly supportive and descend into a slanging match on another thread within seconds.

Compared to Twitter or Reddit it’s really mild here on the whole. “Give your head a wobble” is hardly “die in a grease fire, bitch” or the other go-to TRA online aggression.

And how I’d respond to AIBU isn’t how I’d respond in Bereavement or Gardens or Telly. Different tone for different spaces.

And a peach is a lovely person - sweet and generous and nice to be around. I’m North American so it was common to me to hear and use it. Didn’t mean to wrong foot anyone.

I agree with you OP. Please don't leave!

Isn’t there a flouncers board for this kind of stuff?

Ahh come on bluntness you know the flouncer board is so empty it resonates . Fair enough to want to discuss this, I suppose it's why it has been done so many times .

I really hate those things like "are you on glue?" or "you need to educate yourself" - nasty little put downs that add nothing to the discussion.

Yeah but this is posted at least once a week “why is everyone so mean, I’m off” isn’t that why flouncers corner was created? 😋

bluntness, I know , but it is a problem so fair enough to have a discussion. (When I see threads and think 'not agaiiiin' i know it's time for a mn break for me ).

OP I totally understand.
My first post on here was about how we're never told how hard it can be when TTC in school but were told numerous times about accidental teen pregnancies from one instance of unprotected sex. The first 2 comments were basically saying I should've paid more attention in biology in school! I deleted my account because of it. I later opened up a new account after reading some more encouraging messages.
The world is tough enough without unnecessarily mean comments.
By all means express your opinion, but think before you post!

I am totally with you OP..posts can be met with comments that there's really no need for!

I love MN because it's a place I can be honest, yes someone will always disagree and some may even be down right rude or nasty about it. But I understand that this is the dynamic of all forums and the moderators here do an amazing job in walking the line between honesty and abuse. I've moderated forums before it's not always easy.

I'm a grown woman, I can take a bit of abuse from strangers on the internet.

you need to educate yourself

I hate that in general. It has been sneery and aggressive sentence for a while.