To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

[Lahmacun]

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

AN 8 year old can be taught the basics of gratitude. 'Fed up of the words can't afford' is really rude and I'd be cross with my DC of a similar age if they said it.

Hi OP. Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn, but it is possible that your brother ever speaks to/about his wife in a derogatory way? I mean, with regard to her not working and not bringing in an income. His son will pick up on any lack of respect shown. Just seems funny for a young child to come out with such things.

Do you have kids op?
They can be relentlessly ungrateful little narcissists and she probably exploded because this isn't a one off criticism from dn and she was probably feeling embarrassed in front of you lot as its a mega touchy subject.
And anyone who is parenting through this pandemic is bound to be on their last nerve.

Kids don't only pick up things from their parents @Dieu. He could have got that way of speaking from his friends, from TV, from another adult. It's daft to think that anything negative has to come from a parent's example.

At 8, your dn should be far more polite. Rude little so and so.

I can understand how your SIL lost her temper.
Id have got a red arse if I'd have spoken to mother like that and made a holy show of her over money.
If this is a reverse. Don't be too hard on yourself. That's what lacking these days a "bloody good telling off".

I don't think your SIL is in the wrong nor do I really think your nephew is. It's dickish to label a child 'obnoxious' or 'brat' based on just that, why are so many MNers so intolerant of children!?

His comments were bratty and rude whether he is or not depend on his regular behaviour (which op has not described). At his age he should no better than to be rude to his mum. I can fully appreciate her remarks were as a cause of frustration, embarrassment and anger. I do not think she was being unreasonable and your nephew could do with a few home truths.

Children get away with a lot of things, being rude and obnoxious is behaviour that should be addressed. I appreciate kids are self centred but hos mum was clearly hurt by his feelings and hopefully after she had her outburst she could have explained how much her hurt her feelings. At 8 he should understand basic empathy and manners.

He sounds like a bit of a rude child, and needs to be told off, and get it into his head, that he shouldn't speak to his Mother like this.. If not, he will think it's acceptable. A child is not harmed by a telling off.

He sounds like a little nightmare. How dare he judge and question his parents finances.
Poor SIL I'd be very disappointed if I raised this spoilt wee cheeky boy.

What a little turd.
That's an awful thing for him to say
He had that bollocking coming by the sounds of things.

He was out of line. She gave him a reasonable response and then lost her temper when he pressed it. It's not bad for kids to see that they are being shits now and then, even if losing ones temper isn't ideal either.

Sulking because he can't go on his dream holiday travelling first class at 8 years old. 🤣 He would be going first class with no entertainment to his room for a week.

Your SIL was absolutely right. The child sounds ghastly.

I think what she said is fine, but I grew up in a harsh / plain speaking environment and I am the same. I am blunt about money with my children and tell them how it is when they are disrespectful. We are privileged in so many ways and I need them to be grateful.

I have an 8 year old who has shown interest in first class. I explained why I think it's a waste of money but respect that if it is important to him then he needs to wait until he is earning his own money because there is no way i will be paying for it!

8 year olds are hilarious. Mine also wants a Lamborghini and a mansion.

YABU- your SIL was fine- isn't a threat I use but I don't think its scarring.
I don't think wanting to go on a nice holiday first class is wrong - children often ask for things with no concept of cost- my DS has seen First class and business class (he's travelled business class once for various reasons) - and he has asked to do it again - I just tell him its too expensive and he doesn't really question it. I suspect your nephew has been asking for lots of things though- and it must be irritating to have to keep saying no (especially for more reasonable stuff)- I have to say DS has never suggested that DP (SAHP) get a job to pay for something (I have) so your DN is picking this message up from somewhere - I think part of the issue may be if he is not getting stuff that they could have afforded before so he sees a change - in reality the difference is presumably the arrival of his little sister which would mean even if your SIl worked they would still be worse off. So maybe its lucky DN hasn't worked this out - I can see " I wish we didn't have the baby then we could afford x.y.z)" being another reaction!

DN has acted really inappropriately and didn’t demonstrate good manners with his mum, however he really is such a lovely and well behaved child.

Infront of you? My child is a bloody dream to my family they adore him and they love the fact he is so polite and then they wonder why I grit my teeth once again when he asks to play a completely unsuitable game or why he can't have that lego set that is £500.

Because he thinks if he does it infront of my family then I am going to say yes, I don't know what it is with kids, but they seem to think this will work, instead what he gets (DS is also 8) No in my head fucking-- no and no again.

Sometimes they just push your buttons to beyond

He was being a brat. It’s never good to explode at a child, but I honestly would probably have struggled not to do the same.

We're all parenting experts until we actually have kids 🙄

Your SIL said what needed to be said.

Tbh I don't understand what what it has to do with you at all. It was a discussion between your nephew and his mother. Your post is so judgemental and reminds me of the way my childfree SIL over involves herself when we visit PIL.

This child has got to be able to function in healthy relationships out of the family. Your SIL is helping him to learn how to do that. He showed her a massive amount of disrespect, in front of other family members. Not ok. She stamped on it. Lesson learned, he will think twice before doing it again. Very few people would tolerate behaviour like that from a friend, partner of colleague.

I'm on team SIL here. Your nephew was being a shit and needed to be brought back into line.

It was the behaviour of a horrid and entitled brat and she quite rightly didn't stand for it.

I think it’s Time for your nephew to change from watching first class holidays to watching charity acts of service helping the impoverished, so he can be very thankful he was born into a family that have access to water, food, shelter, a toilet, education and health care

Fluffy does not always help in these situations....skirting around the issue will not raise an adult who understands the value of both money and action.
Or good manners...

My mother would most definitely not have allowed me to get away with that. In fact she would have given me more jobs to do around the house to give me a taster of what work felt like.

Good on your SIL and also your DB for supporting her.

The child sounds like a spoiled brat. She did the right thing. I would be shocked if my child had said that. It is the not doing 'real work' that would upset me the most. I've brought my girls up to understand these things.