To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

[Lahmacun]

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

Another one on your SIL's side. What she said sounds fine. I'm sure I've said similar to mine when they've been entitled little brats like your DN was. They haven't left to find new families yet so it doesn't seem to have done much harm. Cruel would be "Go and find another family because I don't want you". What she effectively said was the opposite - "Go and find another family if we're not good enough for you".

There's ways of saying stuff... she could have said "well when you're an adult and have your own job you can have whatever dream holiday you want." But overall I think fair enough on SIL.
Kids need to realise their parents are people too and that they (the kids) don't live in a magic fantasy land where every wish comes true. Maybe not the best way to do it but he needed telling he was being a rude little sod and sounds like it wasn't the first time.

@Dougalthesyrianhamster I think you've read my post wrong. My DCs have plenty of respect, which has been taught to them through role modelling that their desires don't trump mine or their dad's. Being able to put your own desires to one side is the core of respect.

I can understand where she's coming from he was being a rude, ungrateful little brat.

My mum said crap like that when I was young and children are capable of understanding that she doesn't mean it because that's not how it works. He's 8 not 3.

I'd have said something very similar to SIL. DN was being a rude brat and got told.

Your nephew sounds obnoxious! He deserved a bloody good telling off!!

No I don't have any children
Well I'm truly surprised.

But again I don't live with a whiney 8 years old 24/7 so who knows what I would've said if I were in her place..!
Come back when (if) you've got children old enough to give you lip. And they've been bored out of their minds for the past couple of months.

If he's old enough to complain, he's old enough to be told the truth. I dare say he's been told before, probably numerous times, that it's not an option, and why.

Yabu. Hardly the nastiest thing someone could say to their children.
I appreciate he’s still a child with little understanding of the real world but he should start learning.
He sounds very ungrateful.
I think 8 is old enough to start learning the value of money and the value of having his mum around all of the time.

He deserved it.
He sounds quite obnoxious greedy and rude, he shouldn't be speaking to his mother like that at all so maybe he will think twice next time.
Ive had the dont be an ungrateful little shit talk with mine a couple of times, and he wasnt asking for a first class flight!
Where does an 8yo even get that idea?

Your SIL probably snapped in embarrassment but DN is right in what he says and I don’t think it’s rude for him to make that connection and express it

Just clocked his age sorry, demanding the flight isn’t acceptable at his age and was rude of him. I wouldn’t punish a child for feeling his parent should work if they can’t afford things though, but respect needs to be taught young

At least there is no mention of reporting to SS or the police.

Child was acting naughty. Child was appropriately told off by parent. Absolutely nothing to see or be concerned over.

DN is right in what he says and I don’t think it’s rude for him to make that connection and express it

Right about what exactly?

DN is right in what he says and I don’t think it’s rude for him to make that connection and express it

Maybe not rude to make the connection, but certainly rude to express it, especially in public. It is however, exceptionally rude to expect someone else to work to pay for your extravagant pleasures. Okay, he's only 8, but the quicker he learns that lesson, the better. It sounds as though it isn't the first time he and his mum have had this discussion.

@Ishihtzuknot

Your SIL probably snapped in embarrassment but DN is right in what he says and I don’t think it’s rude for him to make that connection and express it

He’s right about what exactly?

Sounds like a back story of DN making numerous comments like this and your Sail had enough.

And if in country which has had the fun of lockdown I'll forgive a parent snapping once in a while.

I had guessed you didn't have children as soon as I read your post. The mum sounds pretty normal to me. The child was being a bit bratty and she sorted it out.

Thank you everyone. I realise I have been greatly unreasonable in thinking that you should only speak to your children in a certain way ...
DN has acted really inappropriately and didn’t demonstrate good manners with his mum, however he really is such a lovely and well behaved child. Some of you have been really harsh but I don’t blame you given the only scenario that you’ve heard about him. SIL said that DN really had enough of being stuck at home despite her trying her best to entertain him and be creative as much as possible. I suspect the constant interaction with no break has contributed to this unacceptable behaviour. Both my SIL and DB are heavily involved in their children’s upbringing, DB obviously doing way less because of his work but has always supported his wife and trusts her parenting decisions.
Anyways DN had a full hour time out in another room while everyone was in the garden having ice cream. I’m sure he would have had another appropriate punishment once they went back to their house.

I do think that many people underestimate children, they hear about all sorts of things, they will have seen First Class in Home Alone and other films. Listening to them talk among themselves in their unguarded monents most would be amazed at what they have picked up once they're not 100% under the parental thumb!

I rarely lost my temper with my kids, tried to explain things to them calmly, and understand that they simply didn't have the maturity to see things in the way adults or older kids do.
But in this circumstance, I would have lost it and said something very similar.

She didn't say she didn't love him, she didn't say she didn't want him amd anyone with an ounce of sense, even at 8 years old would have known that she wasn't actually going to send him out into the world to find other parents.

But he needed to know just how egregiously selfish, rude and hurtful he had just been. And sometimes it takes a parent to act totally out of character and lose it, for the message to hit home.

I would have said the same 😏

Gosh what a drama.

I would just have told mine to go and get a job himself, and that if they want something, they are free to earn the cash by themselves.

As long as they use MY money, they have no say about (lack of) luxury.
.

Well said SIL. DN sounds like a brat who needed telling.

I'm with your SIL, DN was well out of line...I might give him some leeway on liking the idea of something fancy..(who wouldn't?) & thinking maybe he not getting the cost differential betw economy & first class...but the 'get a job' & being sick of hearing how the family can't afford...just so not on. I'd be very cross. Once calmed I'd explain why I was so cross & that a badgering attitude is bad manners. And then maybe time for DN to start experiencing a little work to appreciate his Mum...maybe do the dishes or vacuuming....

"I realise I have been greatly unreasonable in thinking that you should only speak to your children in a certain way ..."

Actually this has prompted me to revise what I previously said.

If that was SIL's immediate response to him asking for an expensive holiday, that would have been unacceptable. To jump straight to that outburst would have been very inappropriate, power driven and cruel (assuming child X doesn't often make requests like that and isn't generally stroppy).

The important part here for me is that SIL tried a number of different responses to manage his behaviour before losing her wick. That was genuine frustration talking, I can well imagine she would have apologised to him later for saying it, even though personally I wouldn't do that either.