To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

[Lahmacun]

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

'Constant interaction' 'heavily involved in his upbringing'
I see this time and time again. Over involved parenting just doesn't work. Results in spoilt children who think the world should revolve around them.

I probably would have done the same as your SIL. Kids can be ungrateful shits. Your DN needed to be told.

Who really wants to hear that their role is not appreciated
He is old enough to know better

Perfect response IMO! 8 is not too young for a reality check.

My parents didn't have a lot of money. Half the time I would refuse a packet of sweets when going to the newsagent with my Dad because I didn't think he could afford it and felt sorry for him. Oh, how times have changed!

I'm guessing that DN is the first child in your family and that he is a bit of a favourite with you, what with you saying how it's fascinating how he knows so much about planes, to a lot of people that be rather tedious. I'm the same about my DNiece, before I had my own children I thought she hung the moon and was privately very critical of my SIL and DB parenting, having had my own I now realise I was pretty naive and very unfair to her parents.

Good on her for telling it like it is. He will realise when he is older how lucky he was having Mum at home.

He is probably just parroting "why don't you get a job" he heard from your brother. I am not sure a lot of 8 year olds are at the level where they are fully aware of how work-life and wage-expenditure balances work.

I don't even think it's particularly bad that she "exploded". It's a human, emotional reaction, which does demonstrate the cost (to relationships) of not realising she is a person. If shad kept her temper and kept explaining again, "broken-record" style, there's a risk it could have started to come across as sneering: 'you're wrong, and this is why you're wrong.'

Why should a child be grateful that his parents look after him?

See I think this kind of mentality is exactly why there are kids like this. Why shouldn't he? We're not talking grovelling or guilt trips, but of course children should learn to be grateful their parents look after them. A simply thankyou at dinner or on a day out, or just knowing that your parents do a lot for you so it is rude to keep demanding more or say they don't do anything for you. Learning to be grateful to your parents for looking after you is a huge part of how you learn to appreciate things people do for you generally. Children surely model their behaviour around other people based on what they have learnt from interactions with their parents, so I really don't understand why people would think it was fine for their children to treat them in a rude and ungrateful manner.

Why should a child be grateful that his parents look after him?

It's better to encourage that gratitude while your parents are still around, as after they're gone, that's when most (loved) children begin to realise how lucky they were and what they're missing.

Obviously that doesn't apply to abusive parents with a superiority complex. But those are the types that would remind the child they could be abandoned at any point even when the poor child does nothing wrong. Nothing like your SIL.

It's obvious that you don't have children. Sometimes parents need to be real with their kids, otherwise they grow up to be spoiled, entitled brats.

Nephew sounds like a brat...id have said the same as sil.

All right, it wasn't perfect. But she did need to tell him off: he was being rude and needed to be told. In an idea world, she would have preserved more dignity for herself and done the calm Paddington Bear stare instead and told him to mind his manners. But then I'm not sure children don't also need to learn that adults aren't invulnerable, that they can get exhausted and upset.
If the SIL is an otherwise loving and consistent parent, I am sure she can give him a big hug later and explain that she didn't mean it and he will understand this.

Thing is about this sort of comment/behaviour that DN was trying on is, if it isn’t challenged, he’ll get braver with it and it just increases. I’m not advocating going off on your children all the time (I can count on one hand how many times I’ve done the sort of thing in the OP, however because of this I can say it has a lot of impact on household members!) but sometimes 1)they need to hear it and 2) you need to say it.

Also you’ve no idea what happened next. If I were her, I would follow up at a later date with a list of all the things you could do/buy for the same amount of money as one first class ticket. We’ve always had money conversations from an early age and I’ve made sure he knows the difference between “having money” for something versus something you can “afford” (ie, we have the money in the bank for a first class ticket, but that doesn’t mean that it would be a good use of that money)

Your nephew sounds like a horror and your SIL was perfectly right!

Your nephew sounds like a brat, and your SIL was right to pull him up on it.

To be honest, I would be worried that her dh (your brother?) is spouting crap at her, and now has their son goading her. 8yr olds do not get attitudes like from nowhere.

Your SIL was right. Did you not think that her being told that by her eight yr old made her feel unloved and not important??

He sounds like an ungrateful wee shite who needed to be told off. Your SIL did the right thing.

Just to give you more perspective- my 6 year old often says to me “ you do t know anything”. Guess who also has said the same words to me numerous times - my husband! Kids pick up things from other adults. He’s obviously heard it from someone.

Any child of mine presuming to tell me I needed to get a job so that I could pay for him to park his over-entitled arse in a first class seat would be getting very clearly told that if he didn't like the service provided at this particular manor, he was very much welcome to go try his luck elsewhere.

Thankfully mine have the manners, appreciation, humility and self-preservation instincts to never presume to talk to their parents that way. Hopefully your SIL is able to instil a bit of these virtues into your nephew.

The truth is that parenting is so so so easy before you're a parent, and the instant you become one it turns into a ghastly nightmare which lasts for years!

I remember being you so well.

I remember saying to a friend who didn't have children (and had no plan to have them), after having been 'gifted' the benefit of her parenting wisdom, once too often, 'I too, was a perfect parent once. And then I had kids. . .'

Imaginary children are so easy, aren't they? I never snapped at or said anything nasty to my imaginary children!

Sounds like a standard thing to say.. if he thinks he can get better elsewhere then go and look but he obviously isn’t going to get far lol. He was being really cheeky and I don’t care if it’s a kid saying it, they need told it’s wrong.