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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

283 replies

Lahmacun · 24/06/2020 20:37

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 25/06/2020 04:44

Your SIL was responding to a load of cheek and your dn deserved it.

WeakandWobbly · 25/06/2020 04:46

My ds frequently says the same thing. And guess what? I said the same thing your SIL said! Kids need to know that that they are not entitled to luxuries all the time. Good for her...

transformandriseup · 25/06/2020 04:55

Wow!! I would have definitely been called out on (probably smacked which I know isn't right either) it I had said that to one of my parents, family gathering or not.

Whenwillthisbeover · 25/06/2020 05:05

No wonder there are so many entitled And obnoxious people around if they were allowed to get Away with behaviour like that. Good luck when you have kids OP, your SIL is on the same page as me. Mine would have got a proper rollicking.

Quietheart · 25/06/2020 05:12

I forgot to mention that he stood up to his wife and gave DN a mouthful about being respectful and well mannered with his mum.

And what mouthful did your DB give your DN and how come your not shocked by your that? This is about your SIL being a SAHM.

Antipodeancousin · 25/06/2020 06:19

This is a very strong indication that your brother is probably a sexist wanker behind closed doors. At eight, he is getting this message from somewhere.

Rubyupbeat · 25/06/2020 06:28

He sounds a very rude and entitled boy.
Who's putting these ideas into his head anyway?
He will not be traumatised by this, I don't blame your sil one biy, shes probably tired and fed up with hearing this from him over and over again.

rwalker · 25/06/2020 06:38

We all have our limits remember when we were kid and me and sister kicking off and my mum said "when the nuns come collecting for the children home I'm going to send one of you".
Wasn't really her best move as then it decended into massive argument between me and sister on who was going to children's home.

Brefugee · 25/06/2020 06:46

meh - I'm with the SIL Who, incidentally, i have a lot of sympathy with. Why can't your DB cut back a bit so she can at least get out part time? Their current family model is driving home a very strong message that your DN has picked up on.

Her reaction is understandable and if it feels like a slap in the face to her son, then he really ought to be thinking about why that is.

In her shoes I'd also have told him that he can do everything for himself for a week and stick to it. No food, no washing, no help with school absolutely bugger all.

FirTree31 · 25/06/2020 06:55

This is the first 99% YABU I have seen, rightly so!

DuineArBith · 25/06/2020 07:07

@FirTree31

This is the first 99% YABU I have seen, rightly so!
Actually we get 98/100% one-sided AIBU responses quite regularly, usually accompanied by people saying how unusual it is.
OldeMagick · 25/06/2020 07:08

@Tea432

*best! No I mean brat
I read it as 'beast' Grin
OldeMagick · 25/06/2020 07:12

I'm also with PP who think he's heard this from another adult.

She did right to tell him off.

Ilikeviognier · 25/06/2020 07:19

Sorry but i think her response was bang on.

Tink2007 · 25/06/2020 07:26

Your DN sounded like he was being a prized brat and utterly disrespectful to your SIL.

I think your SIL was quite restrained....

Bluntness100 · 25/06/2020 07:27

Suspect she was embarrassed so snapped, I don’t think what she did was that bad, not great, clearly there are better ways to handle it, but not world ending either.

Her sons attitude is very common amongst kids who have a parent who doesn’t work but repeatedly says we can’t afford things.

I recall a conversation with a group of my daughters friends and they couldn’t understand why their mothers didn’t work, none of them were raised with the ideal that staying at home was the way to go, and I do suspect that often a parent who stays at home, is more about the benefit to either one or both parents and less about the benefits to the kids, but some how try to pass it off as being all about benefits to the kids.

Where as the kid only sees the down side, constant “we are skint” and they have no real desire to have their parent constantly there.

Her son is getting to the age that for him the simple logic will be if you wish the nicer things in life get a job, and she should explain to him properly why she can’t, not pass it off, as your mother did, as he should feel lucky as he sees her whenever he wishes or her just snapping. He’s old enough to understand her reasons.

QuestionMarkNow · 25/06/2020 07:38

@Lahmacun, in some ways I think you’ve missed the point,
The issue is not how your SIL spoke to DN and that there are different ways to parent/tell a child off.
It’s not even about punishing appropriately.
Or even about the fact that he was rude.

The issue is that he already has a very sexist view of women. That he seems to thinks that being at home is easy. That he also seems to think that finding a job is easy. And that his life wouldn’t change one bit if his mum was working (Eg that he would have to go to an after school club. If you ask my dcs, they much preferred to be at home with me than there!) etc etc
The view he was portraying are arborant imo and that is the biggest problem (and would be a massive trigger for me)

BrummyMum1 · 25/06/2020 07:53

I’m really glad you’ve shared this on here OP and didn’t say anything to your SIL directly, the poor woman. She sounds like she’s doing a great job. Anyone surviving lockdown with an 8 year old needs a medal.

AnimalCrossing · 25/06/2020 07:56

His mum was spot on, what a rude little boy.

dottiedodah · 25/06/2020 08:17

Well he certainly knows how to push DMs buttons for sure! He sounds rather spoilt and somewhat entitled TBH! I think she was within her rights to put him straight ! There are so many children even in UK who have never been to London ,or seen the sea either .Maybe time for a reality check with the dear nephew do you think?

Craftycorvid · 25/06/2020 08:23

Both mum and son sound stressed and fed up. A few harsh words aren’t the end of the world and sometimes it’s useful the child sees the impact of their own words. As long as there is a making up and talking properly about it later stage, all fine, that’s how we learn to do relationships.

Lockdownseperation · 25/06/2020 08:25

@Charles11

I’m wondering who dn heard this kind of thing from? An 8 yr old wouldn’t normally tell their mother to get a job as they were fed up of hearing they couldn’t afford certain things.
I was wondering this too.

No parent can be perfect all the time. Children need to see adults make mistakes and in order to realise that they are normal and to learn how adults take responsibility for their actions.

Mittens030869 · 25/06/2020 08:26

DN has acted really inappropriately and didn’t demonstrate good manners with his mum, however he really is such a lovely and well behaved child.

Hmmm. My DDs (11 and 8) are like butter wouldn't melt in front of other adults. At home it's a completely different story. Grin

Velvian · 25/06/2020 08:28

I hope your SIL gets to go back to work if she wants. There are other considerations to making a profit. The problem is not only when responsibilities are so segregated, but also the lack of value placed on 'women's work'. Your nephew is getting that message loud and clear and it needs to be challenged by his dad and by your family to avoid him growing up to be yet another misogynistic self important man.

FightMilkTM · 25/06/2020 08:28

Ew, that sounds really bratty of him and he did need to be set straight.
HOWEVER, assuming you are more or less telling us what he said word for word, I would worry he’s overheard your brother saying these things to his wife (I.e they sound quite grown up). I’m which case, I would be pointing far more fingers at your brother than SiL - though maybe she should have blown her lid at her husband, not her son in that case...

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