To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

[Lahmacun]

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

Tootletum Wed 24-Jun-20 22:15:49
Kids aren't such precious flowers that the reality of what things cost will somehow traumatise them. He was being very insolent and should be told exactly what he was told. So what if she was pissed off!
......
Exactly. Kids have no filter and often say tactless things; however they won't learn if they are not told. Nephew was told, end of.

Your DN needed that, GO SIL! Good for her.

We have Lottery win conversations, so the idea that DD (9) would say "Oh I wish we could go first class to X and then hire a massive RV for a road trip to Y" isnt that unbelievable. We have our whole trip planned, all we need is the win!

I am rethinking that it came from daddy, more like a little angel at school bragged lied about some dream trip he claims to have been on and DN has latched on to it.

I'm afraid that your dn sounds like an entitled brat and I hope the harsh words have some effect on his outlook.

Glad you're brother pulled him up and I hope that's what he would always do in the face of such rudeness.

Another adding that your SIL is right.

I've not been quite so forceful with dd, but I have pointed out that her going to a childminder after school so I can work means that we can pay for clubs etc that she wants to do and it means that we can pay the bills and for the house and food and shoes / clothes when her and her sister need them.

We are in a fortunate position, but sometimes kids need to be reminded that money doesn't grow on trees. And let's face it, there are not many families (I don't know any) who could afford a first class flights top notch holiday even if both parents are working.

What a rude child

I knew about first class flights when I was 8 as my parents were wealthy and that's all we flew...but if I'd ever come out with that to my mother (who was a SAHM) I would have got a slap as well as a telling off.

My parents were crap but one thing they did do right was make sure we were fully aware of how much stuff cost and how lucky we were (probably a bit too far the other way, tbh).

Like other posters, I'd be wondering where on earth your nephew has picked up such horrible ideas about SAHM.

Agree with PPs, your DN sounds like he has a poor attitude and needed the reality check.

I think your SIL was quite restrained.
If one if ours had told me to get a job (aged 8 as well!) I would have taken him out of the room and tore a strip off him.
They need to reign in his arrogance.

Yup, another supporter of SIL!
DN sounds an entitled little horror, if my DS came out with this as a family event I’d be saying very similar to your SIL.

I would have said this to my son as well, he’s 9 and he knows that if he said that it would be very rude and ungrateful. I think it would have upset your sil and maybe made her abit embarrassed.

She sound like a lovely mum so she will prob have a one to one chat with him to explain his behaviour and why she said that. Parents who work every hour prob get told from there child that there not around enough so parents can’t win really

Typo rein!

Eight year olds pick up on so much more than you’d think. I’ve heard five and six year olds being quite explicit about their family income and set up.

Glad he had a lesson from your SIL.

Yup, sil was right and I suspect it's not the first time the kids come out with similar

I've said similar to my eldest when he always harps on about how we should have stopped at having two children so he could have more material things./ holidays etc. They always had more than what they need as I've always worked myself doing night shifts for years on end after looking after kids all day. He really can come across as selfish and I'm inclined to snap at him if tired.

I think this is why society is quite shitty a lot of the time now. Entitled kids like your DN thinking they can have and do anything they like.

I’ve heard five and six year olds being quite explicit about their family income and set up.

Only the bratty ones who haven’t been pulled up on it.

SIL is not remotely in the wrong. DN sounds like a brat if you ask me. I was a SAHM and if any of my DC had spoken to me like that I would have responded in a similar manner.

He was rude but your SIL is unreasonable to expect her son to be grateful. Why should a child be grateful that his parents look after him ?

DN sounds like a rude brat, not surprised your SIL snapped.

Your Nephew, though only young, does sound extremely rude, ungrateful and especially materialistic. It’s never good to blow up and explode at a child but the way he was speaking to his mother was quite shocking and horrible. He should not be encouraged in speaking to his mother this way and acting like she’s only around to be his cash cow.

I’m surprised you had the time and energy to write such a critical post about his mother yet you didn’t actually do anything to intervene and gently guide the child that this was an unacceptable way to speak to his mother.

YABU

I don't blame your SIL at all. Your DN was behaving like a brat so his mum losing it with him won't do any long-term damage, it might well be what he needed to hear. Parents are human beings and say things they regret sometimes. I'm sure your SIL would have gone to talk to her DS later once she'd calmed down. That's what I do if I say things I regret to my DDs.

Parents are human and sometimes don't handle things in the best way with their DC, but loving parents know when they've messed up and apologise to them. In fact, it can be an important life lesson for children when parents admit they got it wrong.

Maybe it comes on the back of him saying other selfish Or materialistic things? Yes she shouldn’t have exploded and yes he had a lesson to learn about Family values.

The brat deserved it. He needs to wise up and appreciate his Mum.

when he always harps on about how we should have stopped at having two children so he could have more material things./ holidays etc.

I’m genuinely horrified a child would say such things to their parents about their siblings and feel really sorry for you being on the receiving end after all your hard work. How old is he?