To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

[Lahmacun]

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

I'm far more shocked by your nephew he sounds awful. I'm 100% with your sil.

I think that this is a reverse, sorry op. In response, the child is 8 and is using his own mind and confidence to state how he feels about the situation and how unfair he feels it is. When children say things that come across as hurtful to who they are saying it to, it is easy, even as an adult, to become defensive and say the ‘wrong’ thing. I have found that children may sound as though they understand the situation and thus comment on the injustice that they feel however if the conversation was to be turned into a discussion, it would become clear that the child’s understanding was limited and they were truly not aware of the ‘bigger picture’ (sorry overused term, I know). What I’m trying to say is that no one should feel guilty about what was said however further discussion between both parties should take place. In my opinion, parenting can be really challenging however being an 8 year old child tends not to be a bed of roses either!

Christ, I say worse to my 8 year old. I think your DN deserved it. Dds behaviour is APPALLING at times and she needs to know her behaviour and attitude impact on others' feelings and perception of her.

Sounds like 93 days 24/7 spent with little Lord Fauntleroy has been 93 too many.

I don't blame or criticise either of the parents one bit for that response.

Only another ten years to go. And then he can go and earn his flight money.

As a mum of grown up, independent kids, I've thought a lot throughout lockdown, "thank fuck mine are all grown and I don't have to endure lockdown with wee ones." Parents of kids who've endured this crazy time, I salute you.

I would want to know where he got those ideas that she should be working/he has enough of comments such as 'can't afford' etc... Because there is a lot of issues with what he said

There are indeed a lot of issues arising from that, and I'm another who'd want to know where he learned this sort of thing

Lol at an 8 yr old even knowing what a first class flight is. He attitude is appalling. Why do you think she WBU? Is it the dreadful way they've raised the child?

I don't have kids either but I think your nephew sounds like an entitled little horror. What he said was unbelievably rude and your SIL was very restrained.

Sil was ok to snap. Maybe not the best to mention finding another family, but sometimes it’s ok for kids to see that they are in the wrong.

It’s really important kids learn the importance of budgeting, hard work. and that running a family is a big job. Better to do with daily examples and discussions, but sometimes people get frustrated and yell. As long as it rare, it’s fine.

I'm with your sil on this one.

Sounds like the "I want I want I want I want" has been out in force and she's had enough.

Kids can have no concept of money or how hard some people have worked to get them a gift. Would he complain if he had money for fancy holidays but his mum was never around because she was always working?

I remember a few years back, I saved really bloody hard to get us a week at the seaside, only uk, bnb. My then 7 yo kicked off. it wasnt a "proper" holiday because we weren't going on a plane. Felt like telling them to stick it and they could stay at home doing bugger all instead!

Bratty child needed telling!!!!

I think she had every right to say what she did. She could have said far worse... He sounds like an absolute brat.

She did right and I'd have done the same with ds 6

Your SIL is right imo.

When we were being whiney and entitled as children my parents always told us we were welcome to live somewhere else who could provide those things.

I certainly wouldn't want my son growing up thinking woman being SAHM weren't a useful part of society.

I say that as someone who's worked since ds was 4 months old.

We soon reined it in.

Right now - more than ever - there are families worried about job losses and keeping a roof over their head.

Nothing wrong with an 8yo getting a realistic view of the world.

She probably didn't mean to explode, I mean that wasn't her parenting strategy, but the DN just poked her in a rude and ungrateful way. There's something very triggering about a lack of gratitude, especially as mums we are often tiring ourselves out doing everything we can for our children, and it seems so...well, ungrateful!

I have had one of mine say 'I wish you stayed at home like all the other mums'. I didn't reply in a nice cheery calm way! These things happen.

Meh DD asked for a better mum once, I told her to go find one.

Kids are brats and sometimes can be selfish. They need to learn that the world doesn't owe them shit, that things need to be earned and more importantly that they can hurt people with their words.

Grownups are people too. Spoiled and entitled behaviour does not get you what you want.

My nephew is slightly older but there was a similar scenario around a year ago where he asked for a lot of birthday presents and DSis was explaining not to expect all of them because of money etc and he had a "then you should work because only dad does etc" and DSis kind of exploded too.

I disagree that your nephew is a horror or awful etc. Kids see so much that they don't understand online - kids being given a summerhouse for their birthday, a games room fully kitted out, first class holidays.
They don't understand it but at his age, a flight with his own private seat, whatever he wants to eat and drink etc would sound amazing (it does to me, I'd love to be able to).

I think it's understandable that your SIL snapped and as long as it is followed up would a conversation explaining (in an age appropriate way) why it's unaffordable it's fine - dsis explained it in a homework kind of way so told Nephew how much a decent wage per hour is then he had to find out how much the things he wanted would cost. He ended up realising his mum would need to work more hours than dad to buy everything he wanted which was fine until he also realised that would mean he'd have to walk to school and not be fed etc. Was a great learning curve and put a quick stop to his stropping.

I'd have given him a full day of doing everything himself that makes up the "nothing" that his Mum does as a SAHM every day.

See if after a full day he'd still have the opinion "You’re not doing any real work!"

I would read my child the riot act if they spoke to me in such a rude, obnoxious and entitled way. My God! She did nothing wrong in responding she did. He has completely belittled his mother and needs a swift reality check, otherwise the sense of entitlement will grow and he will continue to see his mother as some sort of serving wench with no value unless she brings in money to buy him treats. Nothing like being spoken to like a piece of shit by your own child to make you wonder wtf you even bother.

I think it's none of your business, OP, and this thread is all about smug virtue-signalling.

No, I think I'd have done the same in her situation. Caring for 2 children is hard enough without bratty comments from an unappreciative 8 year old!

100% the right thing to do!

I can tell you in my experience I’m the youngest of many siblings and my eldest sister let her daughter run riot and make rude comments like this. She was never disciplined at all. She would say some vile things. Mum and sister would always say “oh she’s little she’s doesn’t know”. If she had some harsh words she wouldn’t be the best she is now.

@Lahmacun

No I don’t have any children. I just thought that it’s cruel to tell your children to look for another family if they’re unhappy. I mean I understand that he was rude and should have been told so, but probably by making him apologise that his words were hurtful and by explaining that being a SAHM is indeed a very tiring real job! I’m not judging my SIL as I mentioned before that she’s a great mum and I’m sure she had the best intentions but I disagree with the wording that’s all.

But again I don’t live with a whiney 8 years old 24/7 so who knows what I would’ve said if I were in her place ..!

Ah...

How would you have handled it, OP?

*best! No I mean brat

Hoping for a bun fight were you OP?