To think that what SIL said to DN is awful!

[Lahmacun]

We were having a (socially distanced) family gathering yesterday for the first time since the lockdown started. Everyone was cheerful and things were going well until DN 8 said that he wants to go on holiday in first class on an expensive airline. SIL replied to him that she would love it too but they can’t afford it as it’s too pricey. A bit of background here: my brother is the one working full time and SIL is currently SAHM following maternity break of their second daughter soon to be 2. She’s a great caring mother and always doing her best with the kids. She’s managing all the house responsibilities on her own as my DB works very long shifts.
Anyways my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!).
My mum quickly jumped in and explained to him that he should be very grateful as he gets to see his mum whenever he wants ... etc SIL looked understandably quite disappointed especially as she wanted to get back to work in September but after doing the maths, they thought they’ll wait until their DD turns 3 so they can be eligible for the 15 hours of childcare. DN didn’t look convinced and said that he wants his mum to get back to work as he’s “fed up” of hearing the word “can’t afford” (his words)! At this point SIL exploded and told him that she’s fed up of his constant lack of gratitude and appreciation and that if he’s fed up and unhappy with his family why don’t he go and look for another richer mum and dad who can pay for all the endless list of things that he wants.
I was shocked to hear that but I couldn’t say anything as she was just telling me tired she’s feeling an hour before that.
DM thought that it’s fine and kids need some harsh words every now and then to respect boundaries.
AIBU to think that you should never say this to a child as it makes them feel unloved and not important?

I totally agree with SIL. Your "D"N sounds like a spoiled brat.

No I don’t have any children.

Clearly.

I just thought that it’s cruel to tell your children to look for another family if they’re unhappy.

She wasn't telling him to find a new family, fgs. She was being facetious and your nephew knew it. She said what she did to point out how selfish and self-entitled your nephew was being.

I think i would have said a lot worse if i had a bratty 8yr old that spoke to me like that...and when i had done with him i would have had a good go at his dad for not giving him a mouthful for speaking to his mum like that!

Your nephew was being an arsehole (happens a lot at that age). His mum got to the end of a tether that sounds considerably longer than mine.

You seem to think her words will traumatise your nephew. They won't.

I had something similar said to me as a child when I complained about the size of our house, and a similar comment about the nicer hotel and aircraft seat. One complaint too far and I got bollocked.

Of course the hindsight as I got older and now as an adult is that in many respects I was a bloody lucky child - I had a home, I had holidays, I certainly did not have all the material possessions I wanted but I had a lot more than many. I needed that snack round the ear. Your nephew will be fine.

I just thought that it’s cruel to tell your children to look for another family if they’re unhappy.

Its pretty obvious from the context that the child would have known that this wasn’t a seniors suggestion. You really don’t need to have had children yourself to get this.

I dont really understand what you think you're DIL said that was so awful? sounds like a fair comment to me

SIL*

If you ever have your own DC one day, you'll cringe at even the thought of having written this post 🤣

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Your children will grow up to have zero respect for authority.
How will they manage when they get jobs and they've been raised by parents who assumed an equal position to them, it's all they've ever known... Then suddenly they've got a boss telling them to do things they don't want to do?

The idea behind respect is that it's taught from childhood. You respect your parents' authority, which teaches you to respect your school teacher's authority which teaches you to respect your boss's authority.

Just wait until they start with "I don't have to do anything you say, we're all equal! Remember?"

I'm afraid I'm another that agrees with your SIL. I'm very attachment parent based as a rule and try really hard to be calm and explain things but sometimes it isn't easy. My ds1 has pushed it several times , comments like why dont I just get a better job , why can't I earn more. He just sees me sitting at a laptop and has no real concept of what I do. He doesnt need to know that DP lost his job at the start of lockdown , he diesnt know that DP once lost a job because he went to pick up ds1 when ill (granted that was a particularly horrible company) and he never will know that . However he has firmly been out back over the line a few times. With a direct discussion about entitlement and behaviour.

I did nearly lose my temper when he asked why I didn't get a real job .....do did suggest I go and cool my heels because rightly he saw I was likely to snap and tell ds1 off too harshly after a 12 hour brutal day.

I don't believe my DC need to know the ins and outs of finances at 7 and 4 but they damn well need to know that money and earnings sometimes come at a sacrifice to time. They need to recognise both have equal value. SAHM is absolutely as high value as working and actually I think the lesson that he needs to stop the entitlement is an important one.

Fluffy does not always help in these situations....skirting around the issue will not raise an adult who understands the value of both money and action.

He’s a horrible brat. I would have done the same. In fact I might have thrown a TV ban into the bargain. What a horrible child.

Perfectly normal family row between mother and child who will have forgotten/put it behind them long before you do.

my nephew decided to pull a grumpy face and said to his mum that she needs to get a job so they can afford paying for his dream holiday because using his words (You’re not doing any real work!)

WHO, in your family, has been teaching him this disgusting view?
He's picked up that view/belief from at least one of you.....

Good on your sister for snapping at him - he was being rude, ungrateful and misogynistic - maybe YOU should be a responsible Auntie and teach him better instead of criticizing how your sister parents?

OP isn't a parent.

What a surprise.

I've said that to mine in the past. 🤷‍♀️ Was the comment really that awful, or are you using it as a stick to beat your SIL with?

I've said the same to my kids when they are being ungrateful cheeky little shits too. I don't see a problem with it at all.

I wouldn't have said to look for another mum but to be honest, you DN was way way out of line. And he was also an ungrateful little shit.
And I would want to know where he got those ideas that she should be working/he has enough of comments such as 'can't afford' etc... Because there is a lot of issues with what he said. Its not just the rudeness iyswim

Fwiw I suspect that he has been trying for a while and the mum just finally snapped.

He needs to be told. I.m always upfront with ours - we're both teachers and don't have much spare cash but not on the breadline. So we just say it how it is - we can afford camping in Normandy but not Spain on a plane, and they're lucky to have that as some kids get no holiday. She said the right thing. He was actually quite rude.

I'm totally on your sisters side here, he was being a brat and I don't think what she said was awful at all. All this handwringing about feeling unloved is ridiculous too, it's not like she was kicking him out

I am with the other posters, I have a nearly 8 year old son. He would never in a million years make a comment like that. Your DN is picking up that kind of nonsense from someone, perhaps his father? I think your SIL’s reaction was fine. Of course he won’t be traumatised.

He definitely needed bringing into line, I would also imagine SIL has had this constantly since the beginning of lockdown.

I get where you're coming from - of a parent said something like "I wish you'd just go and find another mum and dad!" that could be damaging and hurtful and it probably sounded similar.

In a perfect world the perfect parent wouldn't have said that, but in the real world, thankfully, parents don't have to get it right every time.

Your DN has probably learned where his mum's limits are now and as long as he's getting love, smiles and positive attention he'll be fine.

Total brat.

I would have told him exactly the same. Good on her!