Inappropriate BIL behavior?

[confusedm1]

Long story here. I don’t have anyone else to get advice from about this so hoping MN can give me some. I’m ready to be told IABU. I’ve had some postnatal anxiety so I’m not sure if I’m being unnecessarily worried.

Parent in-laws live 10 hours away. BIL lives in a small flat very close to them, visits most days, he basically lives there half the time. He’s middle-age, has social anxiety, doesn’t work or see any friends or extended family, no girlfriend. From what I can gather he spends a lot of time on the internet and sees his parents and that’s about it. He’s had drug problems in the past and frequently has suicidal thoughts. Until below I thought he was a nice, quiet man who had a rough life. Now I don’t no what to think.

I’m a FTM to a 2 year old DD, who is also the family’s 1st GC. Me and DH visited in-laws before lockdown.
BILs actions towards DD made me uncomfortable straight away. He would constantly touch her face, I mean all the time and pat her head like a dog. He would lie on the floor so DD could climb him. Try to tickle her at the time. He was way more involved than any other family member. But I put it down to me being over protective.
He would also put food on her highchair but not stuff I would normally give her so I would say “please don’t give her that” and he would say “no she’s fine.” I also asked him not to touch her face all the time he said “yes I can.” He would stay overnight at the in-laws, sleep on the sofa. I think this was so he could be there when she got up in the morning. If she took a tumble he would jump in and grab her to console her, before me or DH had a chance to. It’s almost like he wants to be her parent.
It was odd but I put all this down to him never having much interaction with baby’s, this was his first time seeing her and my anxiety.

So then on the last night we were there, I was getting her bath ready at night. BIL has just had a shower, again he did this sometimes (no Idea why but everyone thought it was normal). My FIL took DD into there bedroom, where BIL was. I heard her crying so went in. My heart fell out of my body at this point. DD was crawling up BILs body who was only wearing a towel and not covering himself very well. FIL grabbed DD, said “I’ll take her downstairs” and pretty much ran out. I think he realised it looked doughy. I should have had words with him then about it but I didn’t and left the room.

I told DH everything and my feelings about BIL but we go round and round. Ending in “so basically your saying my brothers a peado” NO but I cant ignore my feelings. DH agrees this is unacceptable behavior from BIL but to just leave it now and have words if anything else happens next time we visit. It could all be a misunderstanding. I have this bad feeling about BIL, I can’t explain it. I never had it before DD. A feeling of deep dread in my gut.

We plan to move soon (delayed by CV) to be near in-laws, they want to look after her while I’m a work which would be great and save money. But I’ll be worried constantly about BIL being there. Watching her alone while MIL pops to shop or something. I sway between thinking IABU and it’s good he wants to be so involved. Or I need to protect her and be cautious. I would feel absolutely terrible if anything happened, it’s every parents worst nightmare.

So WWYD and AIBU?

Sorry but I think you are all ott fil was in the room as well as her uncle the mess around playing stuff if you dont like it tell him to stop it but you are accusing him of being a peado for playing and caring about his only niece really?????

HJ40 the thing is not one alarm went off in your head with your brother - he sounds like my bils - lovely and wonderful with my kids. But that doesn't mean everyone is like that. I'm sorry his self-esteem is so low - he sounds lovely but that doesn't mean the OP has to trust her BIL completely or at all.

There isn't a "gut instinct". Rather there is a mother observing behaviours that make her deeply uncomfortable for rational reasons. I would be weirded out completely by the bath incident but even putting stuff on her plate or touching her face would raise alarms - not emotional alarms, rational alarms. People who breach boundaries need to be watched. People who ignore a parent's wishes needed to be watched.

OP please don't let your in laws mind your child. please. If you are wrong in your reactions there is no harm done. If you ignore your reactions and your dd is minded by them and her uncle, their potentially could be a lot of harm done - all the way from a little girl learning that her boundaries don't matter (and that is a serious thing in itself) right up to abuse.

OP you said you felt like being physically sick when you saw what you saw. There aren’t many things in everyday life that can cause such an intense physical reaction, so please trust your gut, it sensed something sickening.

OP to add, I have a DB and BIL. Both have a lovely, caring relationship with my DD and they jnteract and play with her. Under no circumstances would I find it appropriate, if either of them was only dressed in a towel while playing with her.

Yes, Pallisers, that's very fair.

OP please don't let your in laws mind your child. please. If you are wrong in your reactions there is no harm done. If you ignore your reactions and your dd is minded by them and her uncle, their potentially could be a lot of harm done - all the way from a little girl learning that her boundaries don't matter (and that is a serious thing in itself) right up to abuse.

This! ^ with bells on!

Trust your instinct as its there for a reason and better safe than sorry. No unsupervised contact with BIL just in case. Paying for childcare even if you have to scrimp and save is worth every penny to ensure baby is safe.

No no no no.
No.
Please trust your gut. You don't have to think he's a paedo to be made uncomfortable by his lack of boundaries.
Pay for childcare and live where you want to live, where you have friends and a good support network, not where BIL will get easy access to your daughter.
The towel thing is woefully inappropriate whichever way you cut it, and he should have had time to put clothes on. Who walks around in just a towel when there's another family in the house with a young child? It's not okay.
I hope you get your confidence back soon and that you trust yourself instead of letting people tell you that this is anxiety. Don't normalise his behaviour, for your daughter's sake.

People over analysing what the OP has said about the BILs behaviour are missing the point.

She instinctively feels he’s a danger. That’s enough for me. The actual “details” of why are wholly irrelevant.

Studies clearly show that the vast majority of child abuse is carried out by people KNOWN and TRUSTED by the family. Actual family members in many cases. Look at the stats - it’s genuinely horrifying.

OP trust your instincts. NEVER allow your daughter to be in a situation where she could be left alone with him.

Not AT ALL normal. Please, please trust your gut & protect your daughter. Don't leave her alone with him & don't leave her alone with PILs if you don't trust them to keep him away from her. Abusers are almost always people close to the child's family.

My brother lives with my parents & is very hands-on with my DS3 & DD 10 months, but he would never even think about doing what your BIL did. It's really inappropriate, at the very least, and could be much much worse than that.

My DP's step-brother gives me that same 'dread' vibe that you're feeling (and has since I was 15) so the children & I are never, ever alone with him. It is non-negotiable.

If your DH doesnt like it, tough. Your child's safety should always come before your partner's wants.

Why was he having a shower right before a two year old's bath in his parents' home? Even if he is an innocent, he can't respect boundaries and your FIL taking her in to him when just in a towel just beggars belief.

I'm hoping for everyone's sake that your BIL is harmless & has the social skills of a lettuce rather than he is a paedophile.

However you must talk with your police/social services friend for advice & do a Sarah's Law enquiry.

As they say it's better to safe rather than sorry.
You may feel stupid but you would never forgive yourself if you found out years later that your gut instinct was right.

Do not leave your child somewhere you feel uncomfortable. Pay for the care

@mbosnz

Bugger that.

You're not saying he's a paedo, but he clearly doesn't understand or accept basic boundaries for safekeeping, not for your daughter (most importantly), but also for himself.

He's also crossed the line from annoying, to dubious.

Your primary duty is to safeguard the safety of your daughter. Do it.

I'd not be moving, unless it was further away, and there is no way that my daughter would be without me anywhere near your inlaws, if your BIL is likely to be there.

This a million times over!

Your DH needs to realise your not outright accusing him of being a pedo but he’s happy to put himself in a position which is questionable and Dh needs to understand the issue lays with his brother!

Tell the in-laws you have decided nursery and interaction with other child is important for your DD

Don’t leave her there alone!

When your gut is telling you listen to it!

Can you not move? I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near this bloke. You need to keep her safe and never without you in that house.

Not normal behaviour

Supervise your child at all times and use paid child care not your IL's. No overnights at their house.
And this in spades.

And as someone said up thread the vast majority of times abusers are family members, close friends, people you trust at social groups etc they walk among us often in plain sight! . They prey on the innocent and are opportunistic. A lot of times they do little things to ‘test the water’ see what they can get away with and where they can find a road into getting a child alone!

Run for the hills with your DD with you!

@Sushiroller

Not normal behaviour

Supervise your child at all times and use paid child care not your IL's. No overnights at their house.
And this in spades.

What’s not normal to supervise your own child? Especially in a situation where you feel uncertain of someone’s behaviour?

Poor you op. I had similar experience when also going through pnd. Was very hard to get anyone to take me seriously because of my mental health and self doubt.
Put yourself and your child first.
Sending hugs.

My friend has just learned that a close family member has been caught with indecent images on their computer. It's not worth the risk. If your husband doesn't like it then tough.

I know this sounds shocking but when I was reading your post and got to the bit where you said he lives alone no social life job etc and goes on the internet a lot I immediately thought paedophile my aunt works with paedophiles making sure they arnt with children etc and they usually have this pattern.

As a mother I would trust your gut,
Your a good mother for protecting her and not taking any chances.

Go with your gut, OP. Everything sounded fine until the towel(less) incident. From what you've written your FIL recognised it was a bit weird, too. But go I
with your instincts!

Don’t move.

At least you have distance and control. As soon as you live close by then your dh won’t think twice about spending time with his family and leaving your dd in the care of his brother.

And try getting out of paying for child care when mil and fil are there expecting to look after your dd.

Stay where you are and suck up paying for childcare.

Never ignore your instincts

Definitely trust your gut. Mothers instinct is there for a reason and the way he lives as a grown man is rather odd and a breeding ground for worrying behaviour imo

I was also the two year old child abused by the uncle in the grandparent's house
Don't take any chances at all
it's very difficult because family so often close ranks and protect the abuser, shoot the messenger etc