Inappropriate BIL behavior?

[confusedm1]

Long story here. I don’t have anyone else to get advice from about this so hoping MN can give me some. I’m ready to be told IABU. I’ve had some postnatal anxiety so I’m not sure if I’m being unnecessarily worried.

Parent in-laws live 10 hours away. BIL lives in a small flat very close to them, visits most days, he basically lives there half the time. He’s middle-age, has social anxiety, doesn’t work or see any friends or extended family, no girlfriend. From what I can gather he spends a lot of time on the internet and sees his parents and that’s about it. He’s had drug problems in the past and frequently has suicidal thoughts. Until below I thought he was a nice, quiet man who had a rough life. Now I don’t no what to think.

I’m a FTM to a 2 year old DD, who is also the family’s 1st GC. Me and DH visited in-laws before lockdown.
BILs actions towards DD made me uncomfortable straight away. He would constantly touch her face, I mean all the time and pat her head like a dog. He would lie on the floor so DD could climb him. Try to tickle her at the time. He was way more involved than any other family member. But I put it down to me being over protective.
He would also put food on her highchair but not stuff I would normally give her so I would say “please don’t give her that” and he would say “no she’s fine.” I also asked him not to touch her face all the time he said “yes I can.” He would stay overnight at the in-laws, sleep on the sofa. I think this was so he could be there when she got up in the morning. If she took a tumble he would jump in and grab her to console her, before me or DH had a chance to. It’s almost like he wants to be her parent.
It was odd but I put all this down to him never having much interaction with baby’s, this was his first time seeing her and my anxiety.

So then on the last night we were there, I was getting her bath ready at night. BIL has just had a shower, again he did this sometimes (no Idea why but everyone thought it was normal). My FIL took DD into there bedroom, where BIL was. I heard her crying so went in. My heart fell out of my body at this point. DD was crawling up BILs body who was only wearing a towel and not covering himself very well. FIL grabbed DD, said “I’ll take her downstairs” and pretty much ran out. I think he realised it looked doughy. I should have had words with him then about it but I didn’t and left the room.

I told DH everything and my feelings about BIL but we go round and round. Ending in “so basically your saying my brothers a peado” NO but I cant ignore my feelings. DH agrees this is unacceptable behavior from BIL but to just leave it now and have words if anything else happens next time we visit. It could all be a misunderstanding. I have this bad feeling about BIL, I can’t explain it. I never had it before DD. A feeling of deep dread in my gut.

We plan to move soon (delayed by CV) to be near in-laws, they want to look after her while I’m a work which would be great and save money. But I’ll be worried constantly about BIL being there. Watching her alone while MIL pops to shop or something. I sway between thinking IABU and it’s good he wants to be so involved. Or I need to protect her and be cautious. I would feel absolutely terrible if anything happened, it’s every parents worst nightmare.

So WWYD and AIBU?

[PeonieCole]

Definitely don’t leave her unsupervised at your parents’ house. You will need to find alternative childcare and just make sure you’re always there when she is at your in-laws house.

It could just be very poor social skills on his part but it does sound concerning and I understand why it makes you so uncomfortable.

[Intelinside57]

Maybe the answer to your DH is that yes, you do actually suspect that either his brother has no idea of appropriate boundaries or he is showing an unhealthy interest in getting too physical with a child. Tell him that your daughter should not be constantly mauled about. Explain that grooming and normalising inappropriate behaviour starts when children are babies so that they don't recognise and speak about it when they are older. You could maybe make a Sarah's Law enquiry. The fact that your FIL acted so quickly is a bit interesting isn't it?

[Greenlamp45]

I feel sick reading this. Never allow your child in that house unless you are in the same room. Sounds like FIL at least has seen some signs and wants to gloss it over.

Your husband needs to grow a spine. Thank god that little girl has at least one proper parent.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

Sorry but absolutely no way would i be leaving my DC with your DH parents. They wont see an issue with there DS, your D H is offended you may think he is a 'paedo', however he is being inappropriate with your DC, tickling is a start when it comes to sexual abuse, your FIL thinking it appropriate for your baby to be crawling around her half naked uncle says alot. So trust your gut and dont move and look at alternative childcare

[Spied]

You do not leave her there unsupervised with in-laws whether bil is out or whatever. You never know when he could return and he could offer to take her out alone, or as you said, mil could pop out and leave her.

[lockdownalli]

I would be rethinking the whole move to ne honest

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Same as everyone else. Pay for childcare.

Your FIL’s reaction was rather telling, too

[thethoughtfox]

Trust your instincts

[Glowcat]

Trust your instincts. There’s no way your ILs can provide child care with your BIL around. He deliberately ignores your requests not to touch your DD’s face, ignores you over giving her food, seem to lack appropriate boundaries over physical contact and your FIL was stood there watching during the towel incident and only reacted when you appeared. I would tell your DH it’s about keeping your DD safe.

[Ernieshere]

They are going to be offering to babysit I expect, even if they don't do the childcare. I'm sure BIL will be 'popping' round whilst you are out.

Maybe the situation regarding the house, was meant to be?

[Connie222]

You have instincts for a reason.

Please do not leave your child where you are not comfortable.

[Itthistheend]

Please trust your gut!

[Brieminewine]

Alarm bells all over this! Trust your gut, never leave her in that household without you, it’s dangerous and you know it.

[Valkadin]

It’s boundary testing and him getting her used to him touching her all the time, the towel thing is incredibly extreme. I’m all too sadly aware about sexual abuse. It is far more common than anyone cares to admit.

I don’t know if you had work lined up there but if you do move, I’m assuming you do. I can almost guarantee that his behaviour will not be questioned by his parents. People do not want to believe it is happening especially about people they love, I directly told my Mother, she remained with my stepfather. You will never be able to leave her with your in laws, it just take a couple of minutes and a lot grooming and abuse takes place in plain sight.

Myself and my sisters all have MH issues, maybe he is just a bit of a weirdo but he does not respect your rules as a parent.

[Bellabatwings]

Your husband might be in denial, but you know it all feels very wrong.
So act on your feelings, fuck offending bil, the towel incident cements that this is not acceptable!!
Do not leave your child with his family!

[ItchyScratch]

I am with you. It seems very strange.
I would not allow him near my children

[Mammatino]

Even disregarding the towel incident, you asked him to stop touching her face, feeding her things you didn’t want her to have. He ignored you and did it anyway. She’s your child not his and he sounds really odd. Most men’s reaction when confronted with any chance of a penis touching a child (Especially a child that’s not theirs),is abject horror not wriggling around on the floor. Wrong. Don’t leave her anywhere near this man ever.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I'm not just worried about your BIL, but your FIL. It seems like he wants to normalize this and not confront his son over what would have been a scenario that would have made any normal grandparent raise holy hell.

Don't trust your FIL either.

[Beldon]

Can’t stress enough to trust your gut. I would not be leaving child alone with grandparents where you can’t make sure he is never alone with him.
Could be harmless but you never want to take that risk. Most child abuse is by a family member, it’s too easy to try brush off the danger feeling

[Guiltypleasures001]

This probably isn't very PC but let's face it he ticks every box on the pedo bingo card, and no I wouldn't let him anywhere near my child
And I would have told DH yes I think his brother has a problem

[AntennaReborn]

It made my skin crawl just reading it. Trust your gut OP, by the sounds of it your DD can only rely on you to keep her safe

[Cocobean30]

Never allow her there unsupervised (I mean without YOU as clearly PIL and your DH are minimising this). Do not let him touch her at all if he is around her.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

Another one saying trust your gut and, Ohtherewearethen, I was abused by my grandfather and (I believe) by my dad when I was very young.

OP, your post made my throat catch. It sounds as if BIL is testing the water, nothing too much to raise hackles - but his own father came in and took your daughter away from him. Look at that... his own father doesn't want your daughter alone with him.

I have sympathy up to a point for your husband because it's a shit situation but your daughter's welfare and safety comes first and he needs to realise that. Since BIL is at your PIL's house then your daughter cannot be, not without supervision by somebody who will actually look out for her.

I have no confidence in Sarah's Law enquiries, I believe that many paodophiles walk among us disguised as loving family members.

Cancel the move if childcare was the only reason for it, I would. Show your husband this thread if you think it will din some sense and realisation into him because everybody's sorry after the event...

[Aknifewith16blades]

You can call the NSPCC to talk through your concerns www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/our-services/nspcc-helpline/

I'd also suggest doing a Sarah's law check on him.

The bit about ignoring your boundaries regarding food/ face touching isn't ok, and is setting a lot of warning bells ringing.