MIL is pressuring me

[nextnamex]

hi,

this has been going on for some weeks now but has particularly peaked in the last few days. she is desperate to hold my baby. I do get it, this has been a shit time all round for relatives of children, missing out on milestones etc. but I'm starting to get irritated. every picture I put up a comment appears soon after "I NEED cuddles, baby is getting too old, it's not fair :( "

yesterday, partner contacts me during the day saying he thinks we should let MIL hold and hug our baby and she has been "going on about it" for a while and she has asked him to speak to me. for context, I wont say which just in case its outing, but she works somewhere where COVID has been prevalent (think care home/hospital). tbh, it's not even so much that I'm overly worried about that risk at present, although it does make me feel a bit anxious, but I'm so annoyed that I am having this pressure? I dont do well with feeling like I'm being forced- it makes me not want to do it. I also said to my partner where do you draw the line? because if you allow MIL you then have to allow my parents. I know his sister has also hinted at "working on me and my partner if we let MIL". I just think it's out of order, my own parents have said they will wait until we all think its appropriate, however as childish as it is I dont see why MIL gets to but my family dont. for context, MIL lives with multiple others so is not a single person household (she told me the other day guidelines had changed and grandparents and other close relatives were allowed to have physical contact)

this is more about the pressure being applied and the guilt tripping more than anything,

AIBU to tell my MIL to essentially piss off?

Very tempting alright!

Stick to what you feel comfortable about.

Tell your partner that you will do what you feel is best for the baby YOU carried for the past 9 months and delivered and that you will not be pressured by anyone.

Ask him NOT to raise it again.

If his mother is inclined to get her own wsy, best to stand your ground.

These are unprecedented times.
Don't apologise about doing what you feel is best.
That's your job.

Mind yourself

For feel bad for trying to protect your child. Your MIL is being selfish & only thinking of herself.

I'm being included soon and dreading these convocations myself, but will not be letting people other then what live in my house hold the baby.

Don't feel bad"

We are dealing with this too from my mother. Constantly pushing boundaries and trying to come to baby when we go round socially distanced. I've just gone with a fake innocent
'oh, well obviously you wouldn't put your grandchild at risk, would you? Of course it's hard but I know baby's health is your priority like it is ours'
Which often works as she doesn't want to be seen as doing so (even though she would!)

If she's pushed any harder at any point, I've got firmer and told her to back off. She sulks but it's her loss - if she's not talking to me she doesn't get baby pics or visits!

Harder if it's your MIL though I appreciate that - your DH needs to step right up.

I would just say to my partner it's not happening, and let him deal with with his mum and sis however he sees fit.

I'm just finding it really annoying and pushy, we facetime her regularly and see her most weekends now so it's not like we're keeping baby away, I just cant cope with the constant guilt trip of how much she is apparently missing out on and how desperate she is for cuddles that its ruining her life essentially.

she lives with two of her other grandchildren (has 9 in total) so this isnt her first and only grandchild either. not relevant really but it's my parents first grandchild and they are not piling on pressure like MIL is. finding it incredibly overbearing

"I've told you no, stop asking me to put my child at risk" - and repeat. But your DH is being useless.

YANBU, at all. Only do what you feel comfortable with. And stress to your DH that surely he wouldn't want to put your baby's health at risk!!

I've been seeing my mother in the garden but I won't let her have any physical contact with my kids (3 and 1). I know she wants to give them a cuddle but I don't feel comfortable with it, especially as she works in a supermarket and has been going shopping recently. I wouldn't even feel comfortable with my ILs holding the kids, even though they literally haven't seen anyone for weeks (over 70, live on a farm).

she has just messaged saying what if she arranges for her and SIL to have a test done then "you've got no reason to feel worried"

like I said the pushy attitude is having the complete opposite effect then she desires and is making me more determined to say no.

the trouble is, she has bent partners ear so much he has given in so is going to be no help at all

"no'
"No I don't feel comfortable with that yet"
"I'll let you know when that's ok"

And repeat.
You are the mum, you are the boss of your baby.

These people have obviously not had the memo - When dealing with small babies take the lead from the mother. You need your DH to see this, too. Doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong, all that matters is that you're the baby's mother and protecting them in the way you see fit. No arguments.
Congratulations on your baby OP.

Say no and stick to your guns, make this your first lesson on boundaries, if you back down on this then how far will they stretch those boundary lines in future. Don't feel guilty about doing what you feel is best for your family.

she held baby before lockdown was implemented so again not as if she never has. just worries me a bit aswell like is this a sign of things to come and will she be like this in other aspects in the future. could really do without a power struggle of oh its MY grandchild so I can do and say whatever I want

Have you had any garden meet ups without cuddles?

You cant get a test done unless you have symptoms in the first place. She could lie I suppose to get a test, but just bear in mind 25 per cent of tests are not accurate and its only good on the day it was done. So it could be done too early and another one be positive hours later

Tbh, I would have shut her down by now.
She's heard the word no, and felt that means she can keep going until it's a yes.
If I were you, I would simply respond "your bullying tactics have been duly noted" I would then close down FB for a fortnight and move in with my parents. Sounds like you could be in the same house as them and they'd still respect your boundaries.
Your DH must be exhausted with pushing her back but that's not your problem, he needs to continue supporting your decisions.

Also, if you give in to this, they will be pressuring you forever on different things. Say no and stick to it

Your baby, your rules. Tell you husband he either explains to his mother that she will have to wait or you will and it might cause issues

Dont ever feel bad for trying to protect your baby op. Also change your mindset that when it comes to your baby, other peoples feelings come before that. She is being selfish and pushy. So you be pushy right back. she doesn't feel bad so why should you.

Stick to your guns. It’s your right to say no to her if you never wanted her to hold the baby again! If you don’t feel comfortable then that’s it’s, it’s a no. She can still see baby from 1 / 2 meter away!
Have you explained about being fair to everyone and if y I let her then you will also need to let your parents etc?

I think you need to tell her politely but firmly that you really are not appreciating the pressure.

Does your DH agree that the baby should be socially distanced but is feeling the pressure, or dies he actually feel relaxed about it and think it safe?

Do your parents live alone and keep socially distanced?

Can you take back control? Say to both sets “it would be lovely for you to be able to safely see your grandchild: if you get tested, isolate between test, getting the result and visiting, why not come in such and such a day? If you can’t manage the isolating, never mind, have a distanced garden meeting, those cuddles will still be waiting, stored up for when it is safe”

Then if she kicks back say ‘sorry, we have been clear and that’s the end if the conversation’.

Your DH needs to tell them to stop it. That safety and yours and his decision is final.

The rules are now that you can see family indoors - 1 metre apart. And absolutely no cuddles.

So them's the rules and she can stick to them

Nobody NEEDS cuddles - well, not like this. Is she afraid that the baby will forget her, somehow?

I must admit I've never understood this bonkers 'competitive grandparenting'. It's not her baby, she has no right to demand anything.

I think its difficult for everyone ATM really.Obviously she is desperate to have a cuddle from her newest GC (doesnt matter if its her first or 15th)! However she is being unfair on you .If you see her most weekends then maybe thats making it worse ,she cant hold GC only look from a distance .Perhaps say to her you can meet her every other W/E instead .She sounds like she is used to getting her own way! Whether or not she has been tested is neither here nor there!

Stick to your guns. Believe me, pushy Mils do not get any better. The more ground you give, the more they take and the farther they push the boundaries until you blow your top