MIL is pressuring me

[nextnamex]

hi,

this has been going on for some weeks now but has particularly peaked in the last few days. she is desperate to hold my baby. I do get it, this has been a shit time all round for relatives of children, missing out on milestones etc. but I'm starting to get irritated. every picture I put up a comment appears soon after "I NEED cuddles, baby is getting too old, it's not fair :( "

yesterday, partner contacts me during the day saying he thinks we should let MIL hold and hug our baby and she has been "going on about it" for a while and she has asked him to speak to me. for context, I wont say which just in case its outing, but she works somewhere where COVID has been prevalent (think care home/hospital). tbh, it's not even so much that I'm overly worried about that risk at present, although it does make me feel a bit anxious, but I'm so annoyed that I am having this pressure? I dont do well with feeling like I'm being forced- it makes me not want to do it. I also said to my partner where do you draw the line? because if you allow MIL you then have to allow my parents. I know his sister has also hinted at "working on me and my partner if we let MIL". I just think it's out of order, my own parents have said they will wait until we all think its appropriate, however as childish as it is I dont see why MIL gets to but my family dont. for context, MIL lives with multiple others so is not a single person household (she told me the other day guidelines had changed and grandparents and other close relatives were allowed to have physical contact)

this is more about the pressure being applied and the guilt tripping more than anything,

AIBU to tell my MIL to essentially piss off?

I feel you on the anxiety thing, I've had an anxiety disorder and sometimes I feel like any time I bring up anything I'm concerned about people are likely to say "that's just your anxiety talking" or "you're overthinking it". Even though I've been well for years they won't take my word for this and refuse to believe I've actually done my research on the issue etc. It's very infuriating.

I've found it can help to be prepared with facts e.g. "well the RCOG guidance is X" or "the ONS says Y" and then, "do you have evidence that says otherwise? ... Well I'll be following the evidence then" etc.

YANBU at all. Obviously it's been a really hard time for DGPs during lockdown and they're desperate to be able to cuddle their DGC. Neither of our DDs' Grandmas have seen them, though this is more for their protection as they're 80 and 79 respectively.

But this isn't just about COVID-19 obviously; your MIL is out of order to be pressurising you, as it is your decision when she gets to see your baby. I've had to cope with this, but I've learned to say no firmly and that's made all the difference, because the reality is that it is DH and I who are the parents and once there's been a firm no, there really isn't any comeback to that.

I find this Mumsnet saying very helpful: 'No' is a full sentence'.

if he keeps putting his mothers feelings over the health of his defenseless child and his wife then maybe its time for the 2 cards...
put a card for a therapist and a card for a divorce lawyer on the table and tell him to pick one....
your and his job is to protect your child, and allowing anyone to come in and snuggle with her when CV-19 is increasing everywhere in the world is irresponsible at best and endangerment at worst, also remind him if she is given CV-19 she will be alone in hospital, alone to fight, alone to sleep, no one to give her cuddles and soothe her, alone for every medical procedure, with overworked stressed tired nurses and doctors that are sick and tired of seeing patients come in because of some asshole who wont stay home and save lives!!
And as a side note... they are finding children who have had CV-19 are also at risk for more than just lung damage and death ... google mysterious coronavirus-related disease affecting kids, lots of links there.... because it is new no one knows the long term implications of catching this, so why take a chance

If point it to your DP that if he doesn't have your back with this you will be moving in with your patents until this is all over and HE went be allowed to hold his baby until then.

I feel you op. My mil is similar - our first baby and first dc on both sides born in lockdown. Thankfully dh and I talked and agreed nothing would be done unless we were both comfortable and seven once agreed we were the two with the power to back out etc.
I used to get multiple texts a day directed at the baby “hello baby wing how are you today?” (Like I was going to send twee little replies as though my 4 day old had written them!) and incessant “you must FaceTime nana” “it’s so and also daughters birthday tomorrow it would be thoughtful of you to send them some baby photos” - then “oh nana is so sad she can’t cuddle you baby wing, poor nana” making it all about her.
Eventually I stopped replying, sending messages when it suited me not her which helped it die down a bit and then when we eventually decided to break lockdown and allow all grandparents to hold her it was strictly whilst wearing a mask and having sanitised before - she was absolutely terrible at this and kept getting close without a mask and effectively ignoring my requests, getting right in babies face. Dh was still at work when she arrived so I did my best to manage it without snapping and sent him a text saying he needed to reinforce our boundaries with her which he did.

You need his support - whether he completely agrees with you or not that you two prioritise each other’s wishes regarding the baby and of he is uncomfortable saying something to his mum then he needs to back you in the way you do it.

She sounds very similar to my mil. Just keep saying No and don't let your partner pressure you either. My in-laws have been flouting the rules since day 1 and have been constantly putting pressure on me to let them come over etc. Even though as soon as it was announced that we could, I arranged to see them in the garden at a distance etc, I still got comments that I was being too rigid 'they're only guidelines' etc... Grrr!

“Sorry MIL we don’t parent by committee. We will let you know when we are ready for you or any other family to visit.”

When she comments on FB pic reply with
“I’m so glad that you put the safety of your grandchild above your own feelings”

Shes being selfish. She clearly cares only about what she wants to take. Put your foot down. You will say when people can hold baby again and until then you dont want to hear another word about it.

Could she take 2 weeks annual leave and isolate?

Why do they act like an arm has been cut off?! My mum is the same. Pure crying at the window saying she just wants cuddles - this is heartbreaking - she lives far away and only see's my DC once every few months anyway! Lockdowns turned them all barmy.

Good luck with the MIL. Tell her to calm herself down. 😂

Lockdowns turned them all barmy

To be fair, lockdown’s turned us all a bit barmy. The impact on our collective mental health could end up being worse than the impact of the virus.

Could you not give her something to look forward to. Perhaps decide what the situation will need to be before you feel comfortable with her holding the baby and tell her when x, y, z happens she’ll get a cuddle?

Your DH has made you the bad guy for giving in, tell him to get on your side and deal with his mother because you're sick of hearing about this.

I had this. Just say “No, that doesn’t work for us.” If she counters with the BS about you being a very anxious person just reply with “Yes, anxious to get my point across.” Should do the trick.

Oh gosh. This sounds so hard.

Remember that there can be false positives and negatives. So a test isn’t a guarantee that it is safe for her to hold the baby.

It the baby become ill she and you would never forgive yourselves. So stand your ground.

I think having a test done is a good compromise. If it’s shoes they’ve had it then allow cuddles, negative test no cuddle and reassess in a couple of weeks. They’ve not youse good tactics but that seems to be to be a win for everyone

You need to repeat, again and again, “It’s not in our child’s best interests and I’m disappointed you aren’t putting their needs first,” to both your DP and Mil.

Your DP is putting his mother’s wants ahead of your child’s needs because she is badgering him. Do not give in or this pattern will continue. Just keep saying the above!!

I'm with you. Its the tactics and the constant putting of her needs first that are awful.
It must be crap to be a grandparent and not hold the baby but we're in the middle of a Coronavirus world pandemic. It's all crap!
She's bullying you. Your baby is just fine with cuddling you. It'll make you anxious and it won't benefit baby.
She is so selfish.
Say no.
Mil I know how much you want to hold her and if things were normal of course you would. Your her grandma and that relationship is so important to me. But while the virus is around I'm sticking to no contact. I know it's hard for you but it's non negotiable. Please don't come to us with any more solutions as I'm feeling harassed, unsupported a bit bullied. There will be so many chances to cuddle in the future but I need your support on this now.

You're her grandma

Broken record technique - you don’t feel comfortable with it and that’s the end of that; you get the final say.

YANBU. I would be firm and stick to my guns. Since your parents haven't held your baby yet either then you're not being unfair at all.

On a different note, I know someone who has allowed her own parents to visit and hold her dc but not her parents-in-law because she 'doesn't prefer them'

its the tactics that have been used
This is what you need to be frank with them about - no walking on egg shells 'protecting' anyone's feelings.

They are ALL trying ot manipulate you and your dh - except he's too mired in the FOG to be on the same page as you or protect you.

They are ganging up n you and trying to bully you into submission -
my anxiety is used when the outcome is not in her favour
Tell her you've noticed this tactic of hers - and you find it to be emotionally and verbally abusive.

I know his sister has also hinted at "working on me and my partner if we let MIL"
Tell them you don't appreciate them interfering in your marriage/relationship and causing/creating problems.

Your husband needs to decide whether the welfare of his wife and child are his priority or his bullying, interfering family.

Tell her she can do it, provided she self isolates for 14 days before-hand, or has a negative COVID test. Everytime.

I would love to hug my 90-year-old mum, but I haven't seen her since Feb because I don't want to put her life or mine at risk. Even now, we will be extremely careful.

She's a dick. Tell your DH she needs to back off and so does he. If she's so mad about the baby she'll put their interests ahead of her own.

what if she arranges for her and SIL to have a test done then "you've got no reason to feel worried"
"Sorry MIL but this is now getting of hand. I will be blocking you and anyone else who keeps bringing this up until I am good and ready to allow this. I feel bullied and I'm an adult and I won't allow that to happen any more. Respect my wishes and my boundaries"

You really do need to be firm now. No more worrying about upsetting anyone or treading on eggshells. This is your baby's welfare we are talking about here.
Time to go mamma bear and protect her!

Test or no test it’s against the guidelines!
Stand firm OP you’re not being unreasonable at all!