MIL is pressuring me

[nextnamex]

hi,

this has been going on for some weeks now but has particularly peaked in the last few days. she is desperate to hold my baby. I do get it, this has been a shit time all round for relatives of children, missing out on milestones etc. but I'm starting to get irritated. every picture I put up a comment appears soon after "I NEED cuddles, baby is getting too old, it's not fair :( "

yesterday, partner contacts me during the day saying he thinks we should let MIL hold and hug our baby and she has been "going on about it" for a while and she has asked him to speak to me. for context, I wont say which just in case its outing, but she works somewhere where COVID has been prevalent (think care home/hospital). tbh, it's not even so much that I'm overly worried about that risk at present, although it does make me feel a bit anxious, but I'm so annoyed that I am having this pressure? I dont do well with feeling like I'm being forced- it makes me not want to do it. I also said to my partner where do you draw the line? because if you allow MIL you then have to allow my parents. I know his sister has also hinted at "working on me and my partner if we let MIL". I just think it's out of order, my own parents have said they will wait until we all think its appropriate, however as childish as it is I dont see why MIL gets to but my family dont. for context, MIL lives with multiple others so is not a single person household (she told me the other day guidelines had changed and grandparents and other close relatives were allowed to have physical contact)

this is more about the pressure being applied and the guilt tripping more than anything,

AIBU to tell my MIL to essentially piss off?

This pushy grandparents thing seems to be a very common complaint these days. I'm curious as to whether this is a boomer/Gen X issue or whether it was ever thus.

There's something quite childlike in all this, as illustrated by the 'I need' refrain as detailed by OP. The needs of the child don't get a mention. For an adult to expect their 'need' should trump a baby's is bad. But far worse is the assumption that it's the job of a tiny baby to respond to the needs of a grown adult.

Nix it, OP. I don't think it will do this grandmother any harm at all to hear these facts pointed out.

So many threads about this woman.

It is your baby.

It is your choice.

It is about the safety of your small child.

Your partner needs to stop being a pathetic idiot.

The rest of the family need to back off.

You need to grow some confidence and authority.

outofthefog.website/

Why do these MILs think they have a right to do this? It is not her baby it’s yours and you must do what you feel comfortable with. If this was my MIL I would dig in even more every time she asked. I think grandparents are far too pushy and seem to think they should be involved in their DGcS life as if they were the parents. I would tell her if she doesn’t back off she can’t see your baby at all.

@Nofunkingworriesmate have a day off. I'm not being "mean" at all, what is mean is using a genuine mental health issue as a way to reinforce your own selfishness and to get your own way. what is mean is thinking it is acceptable to badger and manipulate to get your own way. what is mean is thinking that even outside a global pandemic what you want outweighs what a childs parent wants.

as I stated further up the thread if you have bothered to read it and alluded to in my OP it's not just about COVID at this point, it is the techniques that have been repeatedly used. it's the fact that if I dont feel comfortable at present that should be the end of it. in every aspect of my childs life, not just this.

thanks to those have reinforced my resolve to say no to this behaviour though, I will stand my ground

This pushy grandparents thing seems to be a very common complaint these days. I'm curious as to whether this is a boomer/Gen X issue or whether it was ever thus

It was ever thus. Difference is we didn’t see it as our parents being “pushy”, it was regarded as normal grandparent behaviour in my day.

[quote nextnamex]@Nofunkingworriesmate have a day off. I'm not being "mean" at all, what is mean is using a genuine mental health issue as a way to reinforce your own selfishness and to get your own way. what is mean is thinking it is acceptable to badger and manipulate to get your own way. what is mean is thinking that even outside a global pandemic what you want outweighs what a childs parent wants.

as I stated further up the thread if you have bothered to read it and alluded to in my OP it's not just about COVID at this point, it is the techniques that have been repeatedly used. it's the fact that if I dont feel comfortable at present that should be the end of it. in every aspect of my childs life, not just this.

thanks to those have reinforced my resolve to say no to this behaviour though, I will stand my ground[/quote]
I had to literally pack a bag and be on my way out the door with baby before exdh realised how serious I was about his mother.

Apparently your partners mothers has more say over your child than you do

@Alsohuman

This pushy grandparents thing seems to be a very common complaint these days. I'm curious as to whether this is a boomer/Gen X issue or whether it was ever thus

It was ever thus. Difference is we didn’t see it as our parents being “pushy”, it was regarded as normal grandparent behaviour in my day.

This. My grandmother was a terror.

Tell her no and if she carries on tell her to f* off! How dare she try to put your baby at risk for selfish reasons just because "she needs a cuddle"! No she does not need a cuddle however your innocent precious newborn baby does NEED to be protected from the virus and her and others like her who would put their SELFISH WANTS above the NEEDS of an innocent baby!

oh its MY grandchild so I can do and say whatever I want

I honestly believe a lot of MILs see their position in the baby's life as above the mothers.

I also wonder how much of it is competition with their friends- 'Oh yes MY son let me cuddle my new grandchild, such a shame yours didnt' etc.

My MIL totally ignored my request for her not to kiss my baby as she had a healing coldsore. I spent the next few weeks feeling sick and checking the baby's temperature.

Stick to your guns.

It also amazes me in situations like this the grandparents' concern for the baby's safety always comes below their 'need' for cuddles etc.

Stand your ground with your mil.

This skill will be useful with your child later.

@Wolfgirrl

You are spot on. It’s all about top trumps with their friends! I fucking hate when someone says MY grandchild etc in that specific context. Usually to denote ownership in front of the mother. It’s batshit.

@crispysausagerolls yep! When DD was born MIL posted a photo of herself holding DD with caption 'Here I am with my new grandchild'. Someone commented asking after me, and she just put 'mums fine' no 'congratulations to my son and wolf', no photos of us with her etc.

It was such a small thing but it bothered me, it was like I was their handmaid, and once the baby was out I was no longer needed.

Sadly it was a sign of things to come in my case!

@wolfgirrl

I understand you - my mother was just the same. NC with her now! Not because of it but it was a symptom of the disease. It’s pretty trying when your own mother doesn’t ever ask how you are, just “her grandchild”. What about your own child?! And she bullied her way into the birth (for top trumps reasons).

Oh no Crispy not you as well! How did she manage that one? I said no hospital visitors (high risk pregnancy, knew birth would be complicated, huge family and didn't want endless visitors or rows over who got to visit). DD born 6pm, MIL turned up the next morning. Came back from the shower to find her sitting on the bed holding DD and grinning like a Cheshire cat. Don't think I will ever forgive her for that one.

@TabbyMumz, you can pay to have a test if you don't fit the NHS criteria. Look at the"Treated" website. They do an anti-body test and a test to see if you have it currently.

Another one here saying please don't trust test results. A friend is a nurse working in ICU with Covid patients all day. She is off sick with every single classic sign of Covid but every test so far has came back negative.

Definitely stand your ground, even if she rests negative that test doesn’t cover anything she has done since it was taken.
My MiL played the “I've been tested and was clear” thing with me knowing full well she’d been to the hospital on two occasions and had a family gathering in her back yard since.

Not acceptable to try and manipulate you through your mental health either.

Well done OP for not giving in.

Mind yourself, as it doesn't sound that anyone has your back.

I went for a walk with a friend who works in a hospital today - she said the tests are nowhere near 100 percent reliable. I think there was something in the news today about the reliability of the tests too coincidentally?

like I said, it's not just that anyway, I'm still just so cross at the sheer superior attitude of it and how easily my anxiety gets tossed around. it's just nasty and makes me want to reduce contact if anything rather than increase it.

OP should of course only allow what she is comfortable with.

However, it would be good if posters could avoid using comments like the one below to persuade people

also remind him if she is given CV-19 she will be alone in hospital, alone to fight, alone to sleep, no one to give her cuddles and soothe her, alone for every medical procedure

Our children's hospital has had to run a social media (as well as TV/radio) campaign to ensure parents seek help for unwell children appropriately - partly because some parents were terrified they would be unable to stay with an ill child. There are much stricter rules regarding visiting at present but the only parents not permitted to remain are those who are symptomatic themselves.

" I have told you over and over, my own parents don't touch the baby .
Neither will you, and you won't change my mind . So please stop causing any further upsets. "

I honestly believe a lot of MILs see their position in the baby's life as above the mothers.*

         Becoming a grandmother  feels like achieving the supreme  crown of motherhood . Our old baby has made a new baby.  

That's pretty intoxicating and some of us can't hold drink. Expect some hiccups.

@2bazookas that's fine and understandable to a point but you dont outrank the parents, certainly not in the way my MIL has gone about it. being pushy isn't the answer