MIL is pressuring me

[nextnamex]

hi,

this has been going on for some weeks now but has particularly peaked in the last few days. she is desperate to hold my baby. I do get it, this has been a shit time all round for relatives of children, missing out on milestones etc. but I'm starting to get irritated. every picture I put up a comment appears soon after "I NEED cuddles, baby is getting too old, it's not fair :( "

yesterday, partner contacts me during the day saying he thinks we should let MIL hold and hug our baby and she has been "going on about it" for a while and she has asked him to speak to me. for context, I wont say which just in case its outing, but she works somewhere where COVID has been prevalent (think care home/hospital). tbh, it's not even so much that I'm overly worried about that risk at present, although it does make me feel a bit anxious, but I'm so annoyed that I am having this pressure? I dont do well with feeling like I'm being forced- it makes me not want to do it. I also said to my partner where do you draw the line? because if you allow MIL you then have to allow my parents. I know his sister has also hinted at "working on me and my partner if we let MIL". I just think it's out of order, my own parents have said they will wait until we all think its appropriate, however as childish as it is I dont see why MIL gets to but my family dont. for context, MIL lives with multiple others so is not a single person household (she told me the other day guidelines had changed and grandparents and other close relatives were allowed to have physical contact)

this is more about the pressure being applied and the guilt tripping more than anything,

AIBU to tell my MIL to essentially piss off?

If you don’t get form now OP, you’re right, it absolutely will be a sign of things to come.

‘No. Not even if you had the test. The rules are now indoors, 1m apart, absolutely no contact and that’s what we’re sticking to. Once it changes you can ask again but don’t ask me again before then.’

And then ignore.

YANBU - it’s your baby. You protect your baby in the way you find most appropriate.

You never have to let anyone hold / touch your baby if you don’t want them to - at any time but particularly right now. Until DC can make they’re own choices - they’re an extension of you.

Be straight with DH. Even if he doesn’t agree, he’s your husband and should back you.

I had a similar thing recently where MIL hugged DP and touched DS hand. I made things awkward by making it clear they weren’t to touch baby again. Don’t care if they don’t like it. I moaned to DP about hug - he said it took him by surprise and he wasn’t sure what to do / didn’t want to be insensitive. He won’t do it again.

Your baby, your rules.

Stick to your guns- baby is not a pass-the-parcel.

I haven't cuddled my grandchildren since lockdown. We've had socially distanced visits in our respective gardens and drives but in particular my eldest is very much "don't cuddle grandma" to her 6 year old, the baby is too young to get near me (7 months old) I work in a supermarket (hence my name!) and i know I'm a bigger risk to them than they are to me. It's hard but I just get on with it.
You're the mum, you get to call the shots. End of.

It's absolutely a sign of things to come.
Your dp needs to be on side with you and parent as a team or this will ruin your relationship.

I was going to say a definite NO.... but I see she's offered a test now.

For me, I'd feel better with a test and let her hold the baby...BUT... she can't keep having tests and you can catch it anytime. To be 100% sure, it also means she needs to isolate after taking the test and before the results...or she could catch it between those times.

So having a negative test, doesn't give a licence to keep cuddling in the future.

Everyone's different....if it still doesn't feel comfortable that's your choice...but it could look like you don't want her to hold the baby if you refuse after she tests negative.

Your first job as a parent is to keep your child safe.

What your MIL wants isn't more important than this.

A test is only accurate when it's taken, after that it's no use because you are at risk again.

What’s the point of a test?

High rate of false negatives, and all it possibly demonstrates is she didn’t have it at the moment she was tested. But on the drive home/trip to the shops/chat with a neighbour/journey to see you Etc she could have been in contact with an asymptomatic carrier and she’d not know.

Ask your boyfriend how he would feel visiting his own child in hospital or even just seeing his own child sick because his mom "must cuddle the baby"

Genuinely ask him because if he answers he would feel fine about it I would rethink my relationship

Children come first not grandparents

@nextnamex

she held baby before lockdown was implemented so again not as if she never has. just worries me a bit aswell like is this a sign of things to come and will she be like this in other aspects in the future. could really do without a power struggle of oh its MY grandchild so I can do and say whatever I want

Next I had this with my mil. ( who incidentally coughed in my 2 week old babies face as she was picking her up out of the bassinet)

Families have different dynamics- some are respectful and some just keep pushing till they have pushed your boundaries down.

Your partner is crap so I’d just go over his head and bite the bullet.

I’d reply back to that message with ‘mil I think you need to get of my back with it. No one is holding her untill I feel safe about it - not even my parents’

It will most likely cause upset but you need to start setting your stall out.

Being to scared to speak to another adult isn’t worth the mental health issues that it brings.

She will always keep pushing if you don’t nip it in the bud.

Block her on social media and from your phone. Tell your partner you’ve done so and make sure he understands why.

Forget all about it and proceed with your life.

@Nanny0gg

The rules are now that you can see family indoors - 1 metre apart. And absolutely no cuddles.

So them's the rules and she can stick to them

Not yet they aren’t.

sandy the thing is it's not just the test that's bothering me, its the tactics that have been used.

another one of my favourites is that my anxiety is used when the outcome is not in her favour "I know next name is a very anxious person" except I'm not really, and my anxiety is very localised to one particular thing (I wont go into detail here, it could be outing) and is not general anxiety so has no bearing on anything.

just makes me feel very dismissed, partner is adamant now that next week when she gets a test she should be holding her. my own mum in comparison has just said no not atm when I spoke to her and said she doesn't feel comfortable with it and is pretty disappointed in the attitude of MIL

I also think it’s time to be firm. Dear MIL. The rules prevent direct physical contact with non holdhold members for safety . I am non willing to put my baby at risk and have told you No repeatedly.
If you continue to push this point and make comments every time I send you a photo I will stop contacting you and spending time with you.

It is your choice whether to want to continue with contact or not.

You have a DO problem too. Tell him that this is a line in the sand for you. He is with you or against
you on this and needs to put your wishes before his mother’s.

Sympathies here, I'm pregnant and while my mum has been following guidance strictly and is now in our family bubble as she lives alone, DH's family have been out at parties and not bothering to social distance at all.
I've told them all that they won't be able to come to see the baby until I feel it is safe, we've had protests and complaints about it and how I'm being PFB and a snowflake. I've told them that it's about the safety of their grandchild and if they can't respect that they won't be welcome to come at all after lockdown ends.

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you to see the baby and not be able to cuddle it. Perhaps we should reduce the number of visits. I hate to see you struggling.

Or just say. I'll let you know when I am happy for you to hold the baby. Trying to force me just makes me feel like you dont actually care about my feelings and makes me feel stubborn.

I would now be going back and saying to her it’s not allowed at the moment, you are very disappointed she is putting herself before the baby, and that it’s not going to happen. I would also be advising that if she continues to ask, and takes no notice of your wishes in this matter you will simply block her , no more face time etc and she won’t be seeing the baby when lockdown finally allows it as she is proving she can’t be trusted to do what you wish

Your mil is really really unreasonable.

I know there are people who don’t think Covid-19 is a big deal.

But having had a child very ill from it and deaths amongst family and friends I would stillborn not risk it.

My MIL is really really missing her DGC, but has been super restrained. She lives alone and we went to see her for the first time since lockdown for a socially distanced lunch in the garden, and she was so so thrilled to see her grandchildren. She loves them so much. But she was putting theirs and her own health first and hasn’t been demanding we see her and cuddle the children.

If your MIL is working in an environment where she can see for herself how serious this virus is, why would she put her family at risk?

Tbh you’ve been a bit of a doormat to have let this nonsense go on this long!

Anyone trying to dictate and pressure me around my own baby would have been read the riot act already and placed on notice.

You can’t give these people an inch.

just makes me feel very dismissed, partner is adamant now that next week when she gets a test she should be holding her.

Remind your DP that test results take a few days to be returned, and your MIL (and anyone else) needs to properly isolate between having the test and getting the results, then visiting straight away. Otherwise the test is useless, because without that isolation, she could still come into contact with the virus between the test and the result.

It doesn't matter that your DP is adamant. Baby's safety comes first, not his mother.

I had to lay down the law with my mother when I was pregnant (she is a bit of a narc so boundaries are reinforced regularly).

Tell her that you will allow cuddles when you feel it is appropriate, and that the nagging and guilt tripping are pissing you off / bad for you mental health (delete as appropriate to be most effective to target audience).

Tell her that you you not want your baby to have a stressed mother, so if she continues you will limit contact with her. Be that in person, on the phone, social media, whatever.

And follow through.

I have to agree with what @Iwonder08 said; Your baby. Your rules

If MIL doesn't like that well she can jolly well sulk. Your partner has to be on your side otherwise your MIL is gonna get her way ALL the time

You have a MASSIVE DP problem. He should be saying no to his mum & telling her to stop going on about it. He should be on your side, sticking up for you.

You need to be firm now because it will only get worse if you give an inch now.

Well If your DP wants to join in with the pressure and manipulation then two can play at that game. ‘I didn’t think you’d be the kind of father to put someone else’s feeling over your own daughter’s safety. If that’s the case, I think I better take her and go and stay with my Mum to keep her safe’.

If you can’t beat them, join them in their dirty games.