MIL is pressuring me

[nextnamex]

hi,

this has been going on for some weeks now but has particularly peaked in the last few days. she is desperate to hold my baby. I do get it, this has been a shit time all round for relatives of children, missing out on milestones etc. but I'm starting to get irritated. every picture I put up a comment appears soon after "I NEED cuddles, baby is getting too old, it's not fair :( "

yesterday, partner contacts me during the day saying he thinks we should let MIL hold and hug our baby and she has been "going on about it" for a while and she has asked him to speak to me. for context, I wont say which just in case its outing, but she works somewhere where COVID has been prevalent (think care home/hospital). tbh, it's not even so much that I'm overly worried about that risk at present, although it does make me feel a bit anxious, but I'm so annoyed that I am having this pressure? I dont do well with feeling like I'm being forced- it makes me not want to do it. I also said to my partner where do you draw the line? because if you allow MIL you then have to allow my parents. I know his sister has also hinted at "working on me and my partner if we let MIL". I just think it's out of order, my own parents have said they will wait until we all think its appropriate, however as childish as it is I dont see why MIL gets to but my family dont. for context, MIL lives with multiple others so is not a single person household (she told me the other day guidelines had changed and grandparents and other close relatives were allowed to have physical contact)

this is more about the pressure being applied and the guilt tripping more than anything,

AIBU to tell my MIL to essentially piss off?

the thing is even if she does test negative, I'm not sure I would allow it anyway, certainly not now. not with the way it's been done where I'm being badgered constantly and then also as I said before where do you draw the line? if I let MIL and whomever else they deem fit then I need to allow my family members who are willing to hold and hug her. I feel like my feelings are not being taken into consideration at all.

I've just said I don't appreciate the constant pressure and pile on and my anxiety has been used again by MIL "well if her anxiety is gonna really play on her mind and shes going to panic about it after then dont bother but I'm really upset"

I'm now bad guy - so annoyed

"11:22Hedgehog26

I think having a test done is a good compromise. If it’s shoes they’ve had it then allow cuddles, negative test no cuddle and reassess in a couple of weeks. They’ve not youse good tactics but that seems to be to be a win for everyone"

You dont understand tests. The ones that show you've had it are an antibody test. Currently they are restricted to the nhs. So if they are not in the nhs, they cant have it. The other test, you can only have if you have symptoms. You cant just book one so as you can show your dil you havent got it.

Perhaps you should actually just state that you are fed up with her manipulation and nastiness about your specific anxiety and it's not the type of behaviour you will allow around your child.

Literally call her out on the real issue. She's had her children and her chance to parent and now it's your turn your way and you won't tolerate manipulators being around your DC. I would tell your partner first and suggests he gets it sorted with his Mum else you will...

OP,
This is so nasty and unpleasant.

@TheGroak
I think the above advice is very good.

Your partner is showing you EXACTLY who he is.

The kind of man that would gang up on the mother of his child and put said child at risk.

Be very careful of how you go forward.

He does not sound like a good man who will have your back.

I would seriously consider your position, because he is disloyal and there is absolutely nothing as unattractive as a man who takes the side of his mother against his partner and child.

For me, it would be a deal break.
Trust would be gone.

Contact your parents for support.

His mother is a bully.
He is a weak little man who I reckon is going to be a major disappointment.

He tells you what's going to happen but won't stand up to his mother.

Abit of a bully too.

Your child needs one decent parent.

Is she prepared to take a test every single time she wants a cuddle? Because all the test will show is that she doesn't have it at that point in time.
Even if she does the antibody test it doesn't mean anything as they can't confirm you can't get it twice yet.
I'm sat holding my 6 week old and nothing would convince me to let anyone hold him.
I also get being forced to change my mind, it infuriates me.
Stand your ground. Tell DP to get his priorities sorted.

You should speak to your DH. Tell him that he has 24 hours to text his mother (so you can see) about the fact this won’t happen, and that these tactics - and clearly list all of them - must stop or there won’t be a relationship that can be recovered. Write the text with him so he can’t blame you so easily. At any point those tactics happen, immediately say something and leave. She then gets ignored by the two of you for two weeks at which point she can apologise and move on.

If he doesn’t send it, there are consequences for him: he can either go to his mothers house, or you will stay with your parents and risk your baby due to his refusal to stand up for his wife and child. There will be no opportunity for MiL to meet the baby, as you will be distracted sorting out your marital concerns with a husband too weak to stand up to his mummy.

I'm now bad guy - so annoyed
GOOD - now take that and run with it.
Remain the bad guy.
Stop enabling this awful behaviour.
Stand your grown.
Be very very firm.
These people only understand strength. They prey on weakness!
Be strong and stand against their bullying or your life will be miserable forever more!

I would just keep saying how disappointed you are that she has shown how little care she would take of her grandchild’s health. Say it has made you really reevaluate how much responsibility she can have of grandchild in future. The thought of not getting sleepovers etc might shut her up.

Swab tests are very unreliable. I've heard from a family member working in ICU even people very sick with covid take up to 7 swabs before it comes back positive.

If you're not happy with it don't let them manipulate you. If you say its not OK, it's not OK.

It is my mum that is the pushy one but she has over the years learnt that the more she pressures me the more I dig my heels in. When I started seeing my partner she tried to pressure me in arranging for them to meet .... We had been together 3 and a half years before she met him!

I have been firm whenever she has tried to pressure me into doing things that they will only happen on my terms and she is now a lot better at respecting my wishes. She said once a few weeks ago that she would be one of those grandparents that sits on the front lawn watching through the window (I'm due in August). She was told there was no way that was happening and she backtracked and said she was joking. She hasn't brought it up since. I have let her know she can come around in a few weeks if the weather was nice enough for sitting outside (this was before yesterday's update).

It is easier for us as it is my mother that is the issue so I can put the ground rules in place. I would be talking to your partner about how her behaviour is making you feel and how you don't want to be railroaded into doing something you are not comfortable with.

DS works in a hospital and had classic Covid symptoms. She had three negative tests but has just had a positive antibody test so did have it. Even that doesn't guarantee immunity. Don't be bullied.

“This is not about my anxiety, this is about following advice and best practice to protect a small baby.

With every text and attack you show me that you will put your own feelings and “needs” first before the welfare of our daughter. This is my parents first grandchild and they haven’t held her either, but you know what? I haven’t had one pleading or manipulative text or call from them.
I am going to block your number until this is over. You have done serious damage to my trust in you. You will cuddle x as soon as it is safe.”

Your DH is pretty spineless. Good job she has you.

Tell them no. Explain why.
Ask them to leave it at that.

Also: stop sending mil photos

You are in charge of your little babies life and health. Don't jeapordize it for a hassling mil. (or anyone)

Also: get your husband on your side!!!!

(sorry no idea how to spell that word)

I’ve just said I don't appreciate the constant pressure and pile on and my anxiety has been used again by MIL "well if her anxiety is gonna really play on her mind and shes going to panic about it after then dont bother but I'm really upset"

That’s so fucking rude. Remind her what your anxiety focuses on and tell her she’s really upsetting you and that harassing you (use that word!) will not change your mind about YOUR baby and what is safe for him!

My mother is behaving like this. Totally selfish. My baby is due very soon and shes acting like I'm a horrible person for not wanting her to visit because it's too risky (we have never had a good relationship anyway and she will happily go 6 months without seeing me despite living around the corner. She has also totally ignored all guidance/rules throughout lockdown and carried on her life as normal). The latest comment from her has been ''you cant keep me away from MY grandaughter''. Actually yes I can. I'm her mum

I understand how irritating it is feeling pressured to put your baby at risk and she shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable and guilt tripping you. Shes being very selfish. Your DP needs to put his foot down.

If the test is negative, isn't it negative at the time of testing I.e. is MIL isolating from the time of testing to the results? Surely its possible to catch the virus after the test, so it's not a guarantee.
Can you contact a medical person for confirmation of the risk and use this to support your views when talking to your partner.

Tell her that getting a test won't make a blind bit of difference.
You will continue to make decisions that are in the best interests of your child/children.
'No' is a full complete sentence. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat...
Sounds like there is an issue with boundaries re. your DH and his Mother.
Ignore her FB comments and have some serious words with your DH.

Test or no test, it’s still against lockdown guidance. She lives in a house with more then one person, as do you. Any interaction should be socially distanced.

I’m so tired of people bending the guidance.
“Use common sense”
“Everyone else is”
“I haven’t been anywhere to catch it”
Etc.

There must be hundreds of people in the same situation as your MiL but if they all decide they are going to hug their grandchildren it’s going to have a knock on impact for everyone (Not least the poor babies that will inevitable contract it).
I’d suggest saying “it’s against guidance” rinse and repeat.

Oh and have a word with your DP. He should be putting your child’s best interests first.

Perhaps contact your maternity nurse and confirm that no cuddles are allowed. message Mil that you've been given medical advise and it's not allowed regardless of the test result.
If it was my child, I would not allow it, especially if she's in an area of positive cases.
You need your partner on your side and he needs to cop himself on and protect your child.
Congratulations on the new arrival! It's a pity that the cloud is hanging over you. Be firm and clear that it's not up for negotiations. Dont dwell on it and enjoy every moment with your little one.

Negative test
Out doors
Masked
Hand sanitizer
Soap and water for 20 seconds
R rate below 1

If you don't allow it after all this then you're just being mean fir the sake of it

Exactly! What about the time between having the test and receiving the result. Surely, one can pick up the virus in that period!
One last time tell her 'No, it's not a good idea due to x, & z' and that you do not want to talk about it anymore.

I have people like this in my family and this is how I HAVE TO deal with them!

Congratulations 🎈🎉 This is meant to be a happy time 💐

No means No! 😐

Protecting your child is not being mean. This is what we are meant to do without question for our children.
No means No! 😐

Once again for the narcs:

No means No! 😐