To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

WOW, can't believe you would actually do that, unless of course your totally skint, and in desperate need ! Did you say you can borrow these but I want them back when your done. I think this make you sound really tight !

Did you give SIL you clothes or lend them with the proviso they are returned to you?

My friends and I circulated baby clothes but we never had any expectation or obligation to then return them.

I thinK YABU. Just store the clothes until they fit dd2.

I have been reading threads about the perils of loaning baby clothes since the start of mumsnet.
Oh and maternity clothes.
Why do people do this? It ends in disaster.
Buy all clothes second hand, they cost pennies.
Then GIVE them away with a good grace, And tell the new owner you don’t want them back. It simplifies life. Who wants to stand over their baby ensuring that they don’t stain the precious family outfits?

I also think that you should get back what you can.

It's perfectly acceptable to not give away/loan clothes in case you have another.

And especially when you do have another who can use them!

@Napqueen1234 I wouldn’t use 2nd hand clothes either, I know other people love them but for me one of the fun bits about having my own baby was choosing clothes for them, plus I was brought up in second hand clothes and I hated it, they were always faded and worn out and other kids used to make fun of me.

Clothes that don’t last 3 children?
I have clothes belonging to my boys that are 5th or 6th hand. A friend of mine has a son slightly older than my oldest boy. She buys second hand bundles off eBay, her son wears them, she passes them to me, my boys both wear them and then they’re either passed on, or I sell them on eBay and give my friend half the profit.
I have also been known to borrow stuff, one night only, special event and weddings off other friends with children a similar age to mine but that is with the intention that the boys will wear them to said special event, then I will launder/dry clean them and hand them back. If something like a shirt gets stained, well we are all grown ups and we all know that kids do stain stuff.
If you wanted the clothes, you should have never lent them in the first place, or been really specific about when you wanted them back ie “yes I have a really cute dress you can borrow for x party, let me know when you need it for. I’ll need it back by the following weekend though” and that’s how to do it.

@diddl yes they were nice things from UK stores that they wouldn't be able to buy in Turkey. I didn't want to but she was very keen so I thought it would be selfish to say no. She promised to return them to me.

@Napqueen1234 nope, I don’t wear second hand clothes myself or buy them for my daughter. I donate often to charity shops, but would not buy myself!

@fairlyplump

WOW, can't believe you would actually do that, unless of course your totally skint, and in desperate need ! Did you say you can borrow these but I want them back when your done. I think this make you sound really tight !

Have you read the thread?

Why would you lend baby clothes to be sicked and shat on anyway? I kept all mine until I was sure my family was complete and then gave them away. Whatever then happened to the clothes after the person had finished with them was entirely up to them.

[quote Tsubasa1]@diddl yes they were nice things from UK stores that they wouldn't be able to buy in Turkey. I didn't want to but she was very keen so I thought it would be selfish to say no. She promised to return them to me.[/quote]
Sorry, I posted what I did before seeing that you're in Turkey.

I guess SIL2 chose her own sister over you.

Would they be too small for your daughter by the time that SIL1 has finished with them?

I have said to ask for them back, but I can see how letting one sister & not the other use them might not come across well.

If I was friend of yours in UK & knew about this I would be sending you stuff out tbh.

I'm repeating myself here but I wanted her daughter to enjoy them before I had my baby. That's all

Babies don't "enjoy" clothes. They wear them. You either don't like your SILs (although I know you say you do) or you were trying to impress them with your "generosity" loaning out your babies "lovely clothes".

From reading that you don't plan to ask for things back, I think you should ask for them back. You will always be annoyed about this so I think it's best if you ask for them back. She promised to give them back so make sure she does. You won't be happy seeing your nieces wearing them and you having to buy cheap things for your 2nd....

My SIL gave us a load of baby bits and told us she didn’t want them back as her family was complete and to do with them what we will when we are done with them

Most of which we didn’t have use for in the beginning so I donated a bunch to charity

2 weeks after giving birth she finds o she’s pregnant by surprise and asks for the whole lot back

When we tell her we gave a lot to charity she turns into a nasty bully and starts demanding we pay her for certain items!

We ended up giving her some cash just to shut her up

Our relationship will never be the same again and I make sure I give her as wide a birth as possible

It's very strange sharing clothes like this. Fair enough if you won't be using them again then passing them on but loaning them out for a few month?
Definitely get the 0+ clothes back now if you can for your own peace of mind or I can imagine you'll explode in fury.
My advice is to never share clothes after this.

I think expecting baby clothes back is a bit of a tall ask from the point of view of just how easy it is to ruin them. One exploded nappy and a whole nice outfit is ruined.

Lend an adult a nice dress, a hat, a scarf sure, but I think when it comes to baby clothes once they are donated they are donated.

If you had an explicit loan agreement in place then you obviously have a right to that stuff back, but, it's only baby clothes.

I dont understand people who "lend" baby clothes. I was always lucky if i had anything in a decent enough state to forward on, wouldnt like to have got it back after another child had added more puke and shit stains to it! And i certainly wouldnt accept anything that was "on loan", id be paranoid even washing it incase it shrunk! Just give the dam clothes away, putting a condition of "getting it back" is just mean..

You were really rude, op. Just the way you speak to people is rude.
You don't give away clothes until you've had your last baby....

There is a thing around these here parts where you put all your outgrown and clean baby clothes in a big bag and pass it on to someone, they take out what they want, put in their own outgrown but clean clothes and pass it on again... so on and so on. The only unspoken rule is no one sells any of it. It's lovely to walk down the street with my now 6 year old DD and see a little baby wearing the snowsuit I put in the bag 5 years ago ☺️ (yeah, it probably isn't the exact one but it's nice to think it might be)

I don't think I'm generally a rude person, but thanks

I find this really weird. Unless you are poverty stricken and hardship will ensue by not getting them back, why stress over something so minor in the scheme of things? After all they are being recycled amongst your nephews and nieces and it sounds as if you begrudge that. If it has been a reciprocal arrangement for a while and occasionally goes haywire, so what. Why spoil relationships over such trivialities.

Just go back to your sil now and say can you have the clothes back now

I get where you are coming from. My sister and I have shared baby clothes. DD1s stuff has gone to my niece and has come back to me for DD2 and is going back to my sister for possible second. That was our arrangement at the start when I offered her clothes/equipment, we’ve both added to the collection and some stuff has been thrown away and occasionally given away but we both made it clear that was going to be the arrangement. Some stuff is still going strong after three babies!! But I’m not attached to any of it so if buts get ruined then that’s fine and life. I’ve got a very good and close relationship with my sister and we’ll just come to some arrangement when we go onto sell/give it away after her second. My SiL has borrowed odd things like grobags but my sister’s SiL has a much older
DD who passes me stuff for my eldest! (Other sister doesn’t have kids.) So yes you can successfully share and pass stuff! I think what’s gone wrong here is the relationship between you and your SiL and she has prioritised her sister over the conversation she had with you. Unless you want to sour family relations, I think I would learn my lesson and move on.

[quote TowelHoarder]@Napqueen1234 I wouldn’t use 2nd hand clothes either, I know other people love them but for me one of the fun bits about having my own baby was choosing clothes for them, plus I was brought up in second hand clothes and I hated it, they were always faded and worn out and other kids used to make fun of me.[/quote]
I'm pretty sure that the under 2s aren't going around mocking each other for not having this season's clothes

Do what you want and obviously someone must buy the new things but ime passing round baby clothes is the norm.

OP you’re getting a hard time here, if it was a clearly stated agreement that they will be returned then they should have been given back to you. However, I fail to understand because you haven’t clearly explained - when you found out you were pregnant and had a girl, why didn’t you immediately say to SiL2 that you will need the clothes back now please? I don’t see how you sat quietly stewing instead of just asking for your stuff back