To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

Never a lender nor a borrower be.

Don't lend out anything again. Either sell it or bin it.

OP, I've read all your updates and this isn't about baby clothes, is it? It's very much about where you fit into your husband's family and the way you are treated by them. I'm sorry you've had such a pasting on here but now I totally get it. They are a close-knit family and you feel/are treated like an outsider but, as others have said, it is a cultural attitude and only you can decide where to draw your boundaries on piss-taking. Good luck (and I'm sorry about the stuff from your mum).

@Rainycloudyday I didn't lend the newborn clothes to SIL2 because I didn't want to. Then while I was pregnant they both became quite persistent that she wanted to borrow clothes so I gave her a mixed batch sort of 6 month to 24 month. I expected to get them back when my daughter was that age (as we agreed), but they have gone to SIL2 who's daughter is a few months younger.

[quote Tsubasa1]@Rainycloudyday I didn't lend the newborn clothes to SIL2 because I didn't want to. Then while I was pregnant they both became quite persistent that she wanted to borrow clothes so I gave her a mixed batch sort of 6 month to 24 month. I expected to get them back when my daughter was that age (as we agreed), but they have gone to SIL2 who's daughter is a few months younger.[/quote]
You expected to get them back or you specifically said it was a loan?

That's really the heart of the matter. You haven't been entirely clear in your posts so maybe the SILs weren't sure either

To be honest I find it weird that anyone ’lends’ baby clothes. Surely you know there is a strong possibility that they’ll get ruined?

@PleasantVille Well exactly, someone has to buy them new for there to be second hand ones in the first place, once they’ve been worn by a growing child and washed at 60 degrees a few times they start to look faded, bobbly and stretched out and that’s just not for me.

I’ve found that by buying new I actually have a smaller selection of clothes than people who are buying bin bags full of second hand clothes, so each outfit gets worn more often.

@lifestooshort123 thank you for being understanding and your good wishes. You have summarised my feelings very well. I have tried to be complacent with them so they would accept me into the family.

Thank you - I'm 23 wks pregnant and this is just another reminder for me to make it abundantly clear if any friends or relatives want their baby clothes back. Tbh if they do want them back I would just say thanks but no thanks. Too much faff!

@PleasantVille I have stated many times that it was made known 100% that it was a loan. I don't care about stains or it being ruined either.

Your dislike of your SILs comes through loud and clear. After making a fuss about the cardigan I’m sure their family WhatsApp will have been busy!

You handled it badly and have damaged family relations over something a child would wear half a dozen times before outgrowing it.

[quote Tsubasa1]@PleasantVille I have stated many times that it was made known 100% that it was a loan. I don't care about stains or it being ruined either.[/quote]
You still haven’t answered my question-why didn’t you ask for it back?

At some point you have to accept responsibility for allowing people to walk over you. If you haven’t asked for them back you can’t complain that you haven’t got them. Sitting and stewing silently will get you nowhere. Sounds like there isn’t much love lost between you all anyway so why not at least get your stuff back. They won’t like and respect you for letting them walk over you, they’ll just be using you. So just ask for your stuff back and move on!

From what I’ve understood, SIL2 insistently asked to borrow them. Then she has a responsibility to return them. They sound like a bunch of piss-takers. Don’t lend anything else.

I understand if you asked them back that you're upset. I was given so many clothes when my children were born that I wouldn't know what was from whom. Do you think this was true in her case? I would never have accepted anything that someone wanted back though, particularly considering how messy babies are.

@Rainycloudyday and @makingmammaries agree with both of you

In my group of friends, several of us have been pregnant at the same time or either side of each other. We have a travelling maternity clothes and baby clothes bag, which goes to whoever needs it at the time. Some bits are lost and some bits are added. Anything special to us we keep hold of. The baby bag is constantly in flux and it's a nice surprise to get one of your old bits back.
I'm not sure we've ever had to have a conversation over it, it just seems normal to pass back to whoever needs it at the time and none of us are precious about "our" clothes, most of which are 4th or 5th hand!

I may have missed it but I have not seen you answer yet about whether or not you've actually asked for these items back?

I would never lend baby clothes out, I would either keep them myself or give them away and not expect them back. My SIL is pregnant and keeps hinting she likes certain things my DD wears (she doesn't yet know what she's having though). I still want the clothes so she's not having them, I'm either going to want them for a 2nd or want to keep certain bits if I don't have another. I feel like they probably wouldn't be in any decent condition by the time she'd finished with them. So if she hints, I just tell her where I got it and how much it cost me. It's saving me a lot of hassle as she can hardly come out and say "well I want the ones that YOU bought" - well, not without looking highly unreasonable anyway

@Rainycloudyday @TinySleepThief I haven't asked for the items back yet and I don't know if I will.

@aNiceBigCupOfFuCoffee Yes that would be the sensible thing to do!

I think for your own peace of mind, you should just ask for them back, just so that you know where you stand. Otherwise, you will always feel annoyed but your SILs will be able to say that you never asked for them back.

There’s a similar thread where another mother has asked for baby clothes back. To be honest there seems there was some confusion on you wanting the clothes back. You state you made clear on your part, but nothing re what they said and their response that they heard you and understood your terms.
Either way, I know I would not have loaned out my babies clothes until
I knew for definite that I wouldn’t be using them again, and that was 3 years after birth of deciding no more children then gave the lot, other than special items, first teddy, first baby blanket etc, you don’t lend things like that you expecting them back other than big ticket items, ie Moses basket, pram etc and even then they’ll be so lucky after so many babies having used them they’d probably only fit for the dump.. are you by chance the lady who’s asking for things back from the other thread OP

• mucky meant mucky after so many babies using them

Hi PP. I also read the other thread a few days ago about the baby clothes that were gifted and then asked to be returned. However, in my situation, my SIL wanted them dearly because she is always complimenting my DD1s outfits and also saying how she looks forward to them being passed down to her (even before I had even suggested passing them down!). It was under a clear agreement that they would be returned to me afterwards.

@Rowan8