To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

@mrsm43s I'm not Japanese, I'm British but I live j Turkey and my SILs are Turkish. I think the reason I assumed she would return them without me asking, is that she is packing up all the clothes I gave her anyway. I thought when she packed all the clothes up she would give the ones I lent her back to me! Instead of passing them on to SIL1! She knows I need them because I also have a baby girl!
@CommonMallow they are blood sisters and I am SIL. I have good relationships in general but people often take advantage of me because I find it hard and awkward to stand up for myself. I have posted a few times before on mumsnet about neighbours trying to give their children to me to take of and asking for lifts. Asking SIL1 for the cardigan back that was my babies was me trying to make a stand.

YABU. This is honestly not worth ruining a relationship over unless you're a really petty and miserly person. Baby clothes are inexpensive and they don't last forever. If the ones you "leant" to SIL were expensive, more fool you. Just buy some more clothes for your baby and get over it. Never lend something out that can't afford not to get back; same goes for money. Think of it as a lesson learned.

Ask for them back as that was the agreement. But i would not lend clothes, only give as often poonamis and vomits make them unusable again if bad.

That's why i stored rather then threw dc1 dc2s clothes. I was ttc dc3. My friend who gave me a small bag for dc1 was miffed i didn't pass them to another friend but half were ruined and i couldn't remember the other half plus ttc dc3.

@PharoahBanjo it's exactly what I plan to do tbh

Asking SIL1 for the cardigan back that was my babies was me trying to make a stand.

Of all the things to make a stand about, I'm staggered you chose this one.

You're going to ruin relationships over a fucking cardigan.
Just cut your ties now.
How ridiculous

You're going to ruin relationships over a fucking cardigan.
Just cut your ties now.
How ridiculous

Nobody lent me clothes for my baby and I'm really glad because I would never have remembered which particular items were lent to me. I'd have had to take a photo of each item so as to be sure I was returning everything. And so many baby items get destroyed by baby food, baby puke and baby poo, as so many other posters have mentioned. With the best will in the world, it would be impossible to return everything in perfect condition.

That said, it must be hurtful for you to see your SILs passing your baby clothes to each other instead of returning them like you'd agreed. It's rubbing it in your face that they put each other first and you last. Even harder to see when you live so far away from your own family. However, throwing a strop over this won't endear you to them or improve your relationship with them.

Just buy your DD a new wardrobe and don't give away those clothes or lend them to anyone unless you're sure you don't plan to have any more DC. If money is tight and this causes you financial hardship, maybe you could buy some nice things in a charity shop. Definitely don't ask for the newborn baby stuff back if it's no use to you and you don't plan to expand your family.

Thanks. I will definitly be buying a new wardrobe for my baby and not expect any of the clothes back. I won't be giving them a reason to bitch about meme behind my back. I won't be able to afford the nice things gifted to me for DD1 but who cares anymore.

@Taytocrisps

If someone gave me baby clothes I’d presume they were mine to do as I pleased with - babies ruin things all the time. If you were planning DC2 and thought you might want stuff back you should have either kept it or made it clear at the time.
When you were expecting and realised you hadn’t mentioned it at time of loan why didn’t you say ‘ I don’t suppose either of you have any of DD1 clothes that you’re not using now that I could use for DD2 to save us buying new’.

I wouldn’t be able to keep track of everything.

I’ve got a friend whose expecting and I’ve given her a few nice bits that DS hardly wore. They are for her and her baby to enjoy - I wouldn’t dream of asking for stuff back when DC2 arrives. I’ve kept what I need / want. I won’t be passing out huge volumes of stuff until I’m done having kids!
My siblings and I all have young DC and we do share and swap clothes between us - it’s a big help but there’s no expectation of certain items.

To resolve this now maybe just say - I’m paying out a fortune for clothes, I could use the money elsewhere - do you have anything you’re not using I could use.

I have only had one experience as a recipient.

My friend gave me two sunsuits that her children had outgrown. I used them for a couple of years- they were well used onseveral foreign holidays, but after that time were faded, stitching on the hem was failing, sun cream had caused them to discolour, the bum was snagged and bobbled from sitting on sand and rocks, there was the odd stain and a couple of tar marks from the beach.

My friend asked for them back- she had not told me they had been a "loan"- I explained they were not in great condition, but gave her them.
She was really angry with me for getting them into such a state- I saw them as having a normal life of a piece of clothing.

She ended the friendship over my action.

Baby clothes are cheap in many second hand shops, car boot sales, jumble sales. Best to seel there if you are short of funds.

You’re being silly.
They’re just clothes. If there was something you valued, then you should have kept it.
Baby clothes get sick and poo-ed on.
Would you really expect them back in a pristine state?

I think it’s just an excuse to try to prove your in-laws are not very nice to you. If you have a difficult relationship with them, then discuss it like an adult otherwise you’re going to grow more unhappy as the years roll on.

I don’t understand why people are so weird about baby clothes. Buy your baby some new clothes and move on ffs. And before you say I’m like your SIL I would never put my daughter in second hand clothes, can’t understand why you’d want them back 3rd hand 🤢

I'm repeating myself here but I wanted her daughter to enjoy them before I had my baby.

But no baby will ‘enjoy’ the clothes. They won’t care if they are wearing something glamorous that costs $1099 or something with a vile pattern that costs $1. It’s an odd thought process.

How awkward, asking for the cardigan back 😬

@speakout I think that's not good of your friend to ask for them back, if she had not specified that they were a loan. And to end your friendship over 2 bathing suits. Sorry PP.

I don’t think YABU. You lent them to your SIL clearly staying your like them back for your baby. M
Also all the posters harping in about clothes being ruined and OP is being ridiculous expecting them back if they’re in good enough condition for the SIL to pass onto the other SIL then they’re in good enough condition that they could have been given back to the OP like agreed.

OP my SILs and I pass clothes between us. We have 6 children between us if similar ages. We don’t always expect the exact ones back but we always drop each other a message to say do you mind if I give xxx clothes away to X person. It’s just polite especially if you know it’s a loan.

I wouldn’t give/ lend any clothes that I wanted to keep.
Did you actually take the cardigan off of the baby?
Thats crazy!!
I bet they don’t like you at all

@Nixen you really wouldn’t use second hand baby clothes? Bizarre some of my favourite Kids clothes have been handed down to me! Chalk it up to experience and move on. I have three piles- my faves I keep vacuum packed just in case, nice baby clothes I give to friends and family and good condition plainish stuff I give to charity. Anything I give away I never expect back!

I’ve spent time in Turkey and dated a Turkish man, so I think some of this is cultural. Based on my experience you’re not going to have an easy life if you alienate your husbands family.

But I have realised I don't want a relationship with them anyway. If they can't give them back out of their own kindness (and knowing that was our agreement 100%) then it means they don't value me much as a SIL anyway

@Tsubasa1, why didn’t you just come out and say this at the beginning? It’s ok to not like your in-laws. You do need to grow a backbone though, but also learn which hills are for dying on. You leant her the clothes, expecting them back is nonsensical. Allowing people to use you as a taxi or babysitting service is also nonsensical - that’s when you need to stand up for yourself.

I can't believe you loaned them when you didn't really want to-why?

Are the clothes really that fantastic that your SILs were asking for them?

Or were you hoping that the clothes would be complimented and you'd get kudos for being the original owner?

Don't give anymore clothes. Get back what you can. Only pass on once you are done having children

MN is bloody weird on this subject

If the OP is the lender then regardless of the initial arrangements they are ALWAYS in the wrong according to a sizeable majority of posters.

They are precious, tight, unfriendly, nitpicking etc etc. And the receiver of free goods is ALWAYS entitled to do as they please and are never, in anyway whatsoever, even the slightest bit unreasonable for their actions.

Which always makes me wonder if most posters are younger siblings...