Does it matter if he’s not the dad?

[SquishyBones]

My first grandchild has been born. My son and his girlfriend were not together at the time she became pregnant and she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. But she told him the dates match and that he’s the father. He accepted this. Baby has been born and I love her so much. DS’s dad however (my ex) is certain that DS is not the dad. He says the babies skin is too dark, she has dark eyes (dark blue as most Caucasian babies have) and dark hair. DS is blonde and fair.

I have become very attached to the baby but whenever I share my excitement I’m told “be careful” “try to detach just incase” etc etc ...

The social services are involved and are acting as though DS is definitely the dad. AIBU to decide it doesn’t matter if he isn’t?? I’ve already become attached.

It's imperative that a test is done, as pp have said your son needs to know from a legal stand point. If he is not the biological father but he wants to be recognised as this then I assume he would have to adopt the child, but you'd have to get legal advice.

I don't know the logistics of dna testing but it should be easy to get a saliva sample from the baby, you could get her tested against your dna?

A DNA test needs to be done. Not just for both of your sakes as the impact could be much worse the longer this goes on, but for the child herself. She is a person in her own right and when she's older she needs to know the truth regardless of the feelings of everyone else involved. It's a messy and emotional situation, but you can't argue with DNA. The less drama the better for all involved.

I grew up with 2 cousins, 2 girls that I totally loved, similar ages to my dsis and I and we all like sisters together. Until it turned out my uncle wasn't their father after all. I don't know a lot of detail because I was young, but I never saw my 'cousins' again, and I never understood why until many years later.

Do the dna test now. Break as few hearts as possible.

Social services are arranging contact with a man when they know he’s likely not the child’s father?

I would worry it could be more traumatic for your DS of down the line one of the other men demands a DNA test and is a match

The baby has a right to know who hey biological father is. The father has the right to know he has a child. He has to get a DNA test.

DNA test and find out exactly why SS are involved. They don’t generally arrange contact.

@SquishyBones

They are no longer together. Social services are sorting out supervised contact for DS

Why are they doing this?

Of course a DNA test is needed. It's lovely you're bonding but imagine if a dna test further down the line establishes he is not the father and you and your son have no right to remain in contact with the child.

Social services don't have the time nor the resources to go around DNA testing children if parents haven't raised the issue how are they to know there is question of paternity.

Yes, it matters. Of course it matters!

It matters primarily for that baby who deserves to know who its actual father is.
And it matters for your son who needs to be sure that a child he is now invested in - but with whose mother he does not have an ongoing relationship - is genuinely his.

The only person you are thinking about in your OP is you. Not your son, and certainly not the baby.

Get your head out of your arse and stop being blinded by ‘cute baby syndrome’ otherwise significant heartbreak could be waiting for the child and your son much further down the line.

If they weren’t together when she got pregnant and she slept with 2 other men then how can he be the father?

He has a 1/3 chance. M
Get a DNA test.

Why are Social Services sorting out Supervised Access. ?

I feel very sorry for this child.

Oh dear.

It all sounds dreadfully dysfunctional. Social services organising supervised access is not a good thing. There are clearly huge issues here.

I’m really dark and children are really fair. But if you really need to know get a DNA

I'm blonde and blue eyed. My husband is dark haired and brown eyed. Brown eyes are dominant, so you can't assume anything just because the child might end up with brown eyes or hair (can change a lot after the newborn period). Having said, this is obviously a difficult situation with many emotional pitfalls for you. All my sympathies and I hope it works out!

Please get a DNA test done. OP you know the babies looks/colouring really has nothing to do with it in this case.

My friend raised a child he thought was his, he and the mother were not together but he based his life around her (didn't take job opportunities as too far, etc). When the child was 11 the real father and mother bumped into each other and started a relationship. She then told my friend it wasnt his and she only said it as she knew he would be involved father, which a DNA test confirmed. My friends mom has never recovered from the heart break. The child is so confused and has mental health issues. The mother and bio father broke up after a few years and has not kept in contact with the child. My friend tried to keep in contact with the child but whilst his ex was in the relationship she cut him out so it was impossible to maintain the contact.

I'm sorry that your sons MH is poor right now but imagine 10 years of bonding and suddenly finding out it will be much worse for him. He can still play the role of a father but he needs to know and so does the baby and actual father.

@Thisismytimetoshine

It all sounds dreadfully dysfunctional. Social services organising supervised access is not a good thing. There are clearly huge issues here.

Indeed. The OP has other threads discussing this son.

DNA test. Hopefully he’s not the father, and the young woman gets the support she needs to get her life back on track.

I thought your son was in prison from your other thread??

I personally in this situation would be hoping my son WASN'T the father. What a mess.

Yes it matters

If he isn’t the biological father, one day she could just walk away with his son and he couldn’t stop her.

I'm not asking for any further information, but your son being in prison is a massive dripfeed here.

He needs to ask for a DNA test, of course it matters, if baby isn't his, you aren't the grandmother, she has another one.
Sounds like you want to be a granny at any cost.