Does it matter if he’s not the dad?

[SquishyBones]

My first grandchild has been born. My son and his girlfriend were not together at the time she became pregnant and she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. But she told him the dates match and that he’s the father. He accepted this. Baby has been born and I love her so much. DS’s dad however (my ex) is certain that DS is not the dad. He says the babies skin is too dark, she has dark eyes (dark blue as most Caucasian babies have) and dark hair. DS is blonde and fair.

I have become very attached to the baby but whenever I share my excitement I’m told “be careful” “try to detach just incase” etc etc ...

The social services are involved and are acting as though DS is definitely the dad. AIBU to decide it doesn’t matter if he isn’t?? I’ve already become attached.

Wont the mum need to agree to a dna test on baby. What if she refuses.

Then she’s completely selfish and only thinking about herself and her power over people. Her child’s potential father and his family deserve to know so that when they’re pouring love, time and money in to the child for the rest of their lives they’re doing it knowing he’s definitely the father.

Better to do this now so they know where they stand. And the child deserves to know too.

My husband is very tan with black hair and brown eyes, our son is pale with blonde hair and blue eyes - however in your sons case I would want a dna test just to be sure otherwise you will always be guessing

Yes. It does matter if he is not her father. The baby’s right to know who her parents are is paramount.

The child has a right to know who her real father is!

YANBU and dark hair is more common- so often if the parent(s) has blond hair the child can end up with dark hair. Does the baby's mum have dark hair, anyway?

I can see how this is a very difficult situation, particularly in light of your son's poor mental health. However it may end up being much worse for him if he truly bonds with the baby and he finds out later down the line that he isn't the father.
I'm going to make a big assumption and say that if they are all known to SS because the child's mother has difficulties also and they're involved to support with that you need to consider that as the child grows and becomes older it may be the case that family need to step in to keep them together. Things could get very messy then if it comes to light that your son possibly isn't the father and a test is done at that time.
Forgive me if I'm wrong and I've jumped to conclusions, a family I used to work closely with came to mind with your posts and I sort of assume something along those lines.

I agree he has to organise a DNA test. You need to impress upon him that this is as much for the baby as for him .
I also feel if he is the acting father for a while, and then his ex partner states that he isn’t the father and can’t have any contact that would be absolutely hellish for him.

I think it does matter, for both the baby and your DS in the long run.

He sounds like a wonderful man (and you a grandma) to be so dedicated to the little girl despite there being a chance she isn't is.

Sorry to ask, but is the reason social services want him to have supervised access because of his suicide attempts?

Sending you the very best of luck going forward, I hope you get the answer that you want

Of course it matters. The child has the right to know who its biological dad is. All very well saying sperm donor doesn't equal dad and it takes more than a shag to make a dad and all that bollocks but a child needs a true medical history.

This isn't going to end well. If you find out for sure, you can still all decide whether you want to behave like he's her dad or not, but without knowing, your son is (presumably?) paying for and getting attached to a baby that could be taken away at any moment.

Of course it matters, because it’s not about you op.
It’s about the baby having a relationship with their biological family.
The biological father whoever that might be deserves to know.

Everyone involved (mum, dad, and baby) deserve to know who the father is. Whoever is advising you to be careful is right. You are being foolish to decide the biology doesn’t matter because it does and if this child isn’t your sons baby it can be removed from your life in a flash. It’s far better for everyone to know the truth.

Why are social services sorting out supervised contact?

The other men involved and their families deserve the truth also. Other loving df's /dgps may be waiting in the wings..

The mum has done everything she can to include DS, she wrapped her in his clothes when She was born, listened to his favourite songs when she was in labour, takes daily photos and videos for him ...

It’s just so difficult. I think she is his. DS was darker when he was newborn

With respect, neither the baby's mother including DS or your hope that the baby is his have any basis in fact -- there needs to be a DNA test, asap for everyone's sake.

You only need one brown hair gene to have brown hair, so it makes no difference if the father has blonde hair.

But yes they should do a DNA test. He can still act as a father even if he isn't biologically related, if everyone is happy with that.

Honestly - you need to try and be objective op, if there is any doubt over paternity the sooner it is established for definite the better - for you and the child. I know you are concerned about your son but it would be far worse to find out in a few years time and it will always be hanging over you all.

And it doesn't really matter whether other posters are blonde, pale and blue eyed with dc's with dark hair and eyes and olive skin, the doubts over paternity aren't just based on that- you know there were other sexual partners and therefore potential fathers in that time frame. Even if the baby was the spitting image of DS you really should find out the truth for all involved.

It's surprises me children's services haven't ordered the test? He's having supervised contact yet the mother is doing lots to have him involved which implies the supervision is down to potential risk he poses, either to get or the child, rather than an acrimonious break up. It seems odd to go to these lengths without confirming he's actually the father, does the social worker even know there's any doubt or has it been presented to them as a fact he's the father? Is the mother also a vulnerable adult?

I agree with your DH. He sounds cynical and wise, which are often the same thing.

This woman clearly has a vested interest in claiming that your DS is the father of her child. She may be genuine, or she may be manipulating the situation to her advantage. Or she may not have a scooby who the father is. Your DS Has the right to know if he is the real father, and the child has a right to know who his real father is so he needs to have a DNA test done ASAP. If she resists this, I would be very questioning of her motives for doing so.

My friend is half-Spanish, dark olive skin, jet black hair and the midwife who delivered her blonde haired light blue eyed baby handed him over and said "are you sure he's yours?" You can't base this on looks. If they were together, it would be a totally different scenario and a DNA test would be evidence for your DS to gain parental rights. And also - the baby has a right to know who its father is. These days with all the ancestry DNA tests, the baby will find out later anyway.

Yes, it matters.

That baby has a right to know where she came from. She matters most in all this.

I sympathise deeply with your DS about the uncertainty but it's monumentally selfish of them both to pretend that everything is hunky dory at the expense of a child, all to avoid a bit of a difficult conversation. I have several friends who, as adults, found out their bio fathers weren't who they thought they were. As much as people sound off "it takes more than DNA to be a father", the lies and lack of transparency has deeply affected all of them.

A few years ago my brother was seeing someone who fell pregnant. He kept the baby a secret from us. When the child was 18 months old we ended up finding out because my mum found a CSA letter he had accidentally left lying around. My mum and dad persuaded him to get a DNA test, just to be on the safe side before we got to know the child etc. It came back he was 99% not the child's father. Honestly OP I would get a dna test done so you know for sure. The girl my brother was seeing swore blind he was the dad and said she hadn't slept with anyone else. He sent the dna results to the CSA and got all the maintenance back he had paid for the 18 months too

Did he agree at the time that the dates matched?
I’m sorry he’s a suicide risk but I think you have to consider whether it would be a bigger suicide trigger for him to lose a baby he doesn’t even have proper contact with, or a child he’s built a relationship with.
That SS are treating him as the father means nothing more than that both he and his ex are saying that he is.
I would definitely advise a DNA test, if there is any reason to doubt her word - even if that’s not because you think she’s a liar, but even if you think she’s chaotic - or, unable to date a pregnancy. Plenty of people don’t know that 12 weeks pregnant = sex approx 10 weeks ago.

I think you need to try and persuade him into having a DNA test, if they are not together he could end up paying for a child that’s not his, plus one day mum might decide to stop contact and declare that the baby isn’t his? If he’s so sure it’s his then he won’t be too worried about taking a DNA test?

This happened to a friend many years ago, he also had some SN’s and believed the child was his, became attached and then the mum decided it might not be his, it turned out the child wasn’t his .