Does it matter if he’s not the dad?

[SquishyBones]

My first grandchild has been born. My son and his girlfriend were not together at the time she became pregnant and she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. But she told him the dates match and that he’s the father. He accepted this. Baby has been born and I love her so much. DS’s dad however (my ex) is certain that DS is not the dad. He says the babies skin is too dark, she has dark eyes (dark blue as most Caucasian babies have) and dark hair. DS is blonde and fair.

I have become very attached to the baby but whenever I share my excitement I’m told “be careful” “try to detach just incase” etc etc ...

The social services are involved and are acting as though DS is definitely the dad. AIBU to decide it doesn’t matter if he isn’t?? I’ve already become attached.

Please don't put your sons mental health on this child- thats an incredibly damaging

Well I wouldn’t worry about hair me and my husband are dark straight haired one child is blonde as you can be the other is dark and curly. And both my children are very pale like me however were quite olive skinned when newborns. It would be sensible to find out though for everyone’s sake doesn’t mean he still can’t be involved if he’s not if that’s what he and the mother want.

P. S, the child did look similar to my brother, she had the same colour eyes and hair. If it weren't for our parents suggesting to get a test just to be sure we would have taken her word and been none the wiser.

It's surprises me children's services haven't ordered the test?

This was my first thought too. If SS are involved I don't understand why this wasn't step 1. Why risk allowing him to bond when there is a 1/3 chance he isn't even her dad?

It doesn't matter what anyine else does or doesn't want. This child deserves to know who her biological parents are and to deny her that just so her mother and your son can play happy families is putting her best interests last.

If he’s on the birth certificate, the mum and he are on good terms, he and you love the baby...what does it matter? Enjoy your grandchild.

I’ve had a blonde hair and blue eyed child with my husband who has dark hair and eyes, I have dark hair and green eyes. Genes don’t work to just replicate the parents exactly or a mix of them.

I wouldn't do a DNA test - it doesn't matter.

If he's happily accepted the child as his and so have all of you then who cares what its biology is?

And if it comes out later and there is fallout - there will be fallout, you'll deal with it. Maybe your DS will be in a more stable place. But nothing might ever come of it.

If he's on the birth certificate and is involved then it's quite unlikely she would be able to suddenly do an about turn later and say "Actually it's Gary's" and just deny him all contact - wouldn't he be able to go through court arguing that he's built a relationship with the child?

My daughter was pregnant when she met her husband. That baby is her husband's in all but DNA. He is daddy and always will be. However, there is a father as well, and he and the child have rights to a relationship, and my Grandson definitely needs to know who his father actually is. That is his right. My daughter's mother in law is most definitely Grandma, and they love each other a lot.
In your case, that is your Grandchild , whatever her DNA, and why should you not love her? But as she gets older she needs to know her biological roots, so they need to do a DNA test. And if she turns out to be another man's baby, so what? She will still be a Grandchild that you love.

It sounds like both the OP’s son and his ex girlfriend are on the Autism Spectrum, that’s why there is SS intervention? My DS has ASD and a learning disability, so has a social worker from the disability team and would certainly need supervision caring for a baby to make he did things the right way, etc. It doesn’t mean he would be abusive or harm the child in any way.

You really need to raise with SS getting a DNA test done ASAP OP. There is enough doubt to get it done and for your DS’s sake he should find out sooner rather than later, make no SS know he will need support with a negative outcome, Also assume you would be heavily involved In looking after the baby with him when he has access, so you need to know too. Without doubt the child deserves to know that the right person is on her BC.

I feel for you. Everyone loves a baby, and you are becoming attached as is your son, but, they weren't together when baby was conceived and they arent together now, so why are you so keen on this partnering?
Of course she likes him around, he is helping her and he is also becoming attached. Think how bloody awful it will be if she decides your son isnt the daddy she wants? All he will be left with is devastation and heartbreak - far worse than knowing now if he is the father or not. Then he can be involved or not as much as he likes, as friends not parents.

Good luck

If he’s on the birth certificate, the mum and he are on good terms, he and you love the baby...what does it matter? Enjoy your grandchild.

It matters to the child. This is an actual person who deserves to know the truth behind who her parents are. People can't just deny her this because they love her. If the OP loved her then she would advocate for the child's best interests.

I appreciate thats hard when it's likely to impact her sons mental health but that doesnt mean this bew child should be denied the truth.

Do the other men know about the baby and that they might be the dad?

I agree, get a dna test. Two other men could be the father and the need to know the truth also.

You said at the beginning your son and his girlfriend weren’t together when she got pregnant. Sorry to be pedantic, but surely they must have been together at one point, if only for a night. If not, it’s definantly not his!

I think your ex is right to be cautious. It would be lovely to have a grandchild, but biologically dc may not be your grandchild. You need to have proof.

Is that the reason social services is involved OP, because they both have autism?

Or do they think your son is a risk somehow?

My child is autistic so I'm not being judgemental, I'm just wondering why they seem to be adamant he has to have supervised contact.

If he’s on the birth certificate, the mum and he are on good terms, he and you love the baby...what does it matter? Enjoy your grandchild.

Because the child has a right to know who its real father is, and the real father, whoever that may be, has the right to know that they have a child.

I wouldn't do a DNA test - it doesn't matter.

If he's happily accepted the child as his and so have all of you then who cares what its biology is?

The child will care. Believe me.

And if it comes out later and there is fallout - there will be fallout, you'll deal with it. Maybe your DS will be in a more stable place. But nothing might ever come of it.

The fall out won’t be just for OP and her DS though, will it? The fall out will be primarily for the child. I’ve seen what happens when a child finds out their father isn’t actually their father. It’s a massively painful process.

This is very hard. I've a cousin who moved to Canada, met a girl, few months later told his mother he was going to be a father. Baby due April, baby born Feb, 9lbs something!!! Seemingly 'premature' . He moved home with them. Delighted with himself he was. No one said a word !!! (Well distant family didn't) All sorts of dreadful behaviour from the mother (prostituting etc) eventually she took the 8 year old child back to Canada and he is still sending maintenance. His mental health has never been good and he has no job. He is still convinced the baby is his. Very hard watching her rip him off completely.

Just because SS are involved doesn't mean they know about other potential father's to encourage a DNA.

A DNA test is urgently needed, this will be life long for everyone who needs the truth

Yes, you definitely need to consider the possibility that one of the other potential fathers requests a DNA test and gets one, and it’s discovered that your DS is not the father. You have no control of when this might crop up, could be months or years down the line when both the child and your DS have a good bond. The. ‘real’ father could then demand access. I’d rather get it over with now in yours and his shoes.

If they had been together I would have said that's lovely that your DS wants to raise the baby as his own, even without knowing there's a chance the baby is not his. I would still advise that he finds out for sure, but the fact they aren't together, its very foolish of him not to have a DNA test. Could this girl have picked your DS as the safe option of having someone to pay maintenance and be there for the child?

A DNA test needs to be done to protect your sons legal rights.

Also are SS involved because of your son?

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays

If they had been together I would have said that's lovely that your DS wants to raise the baby as his own, even without knowing there's a chance the baby is not his. I would still advise that he finds out for sure, but the fact they aren't together, its very foolish of him not to have a DNA test. Could this girl have picked your DS as the safe option of having someone to pay maintenance and be there for the child?

With three in the frame, that's the most likely scenario.

As much as I'd love to say get on with it and you dont need any proof etc I feel like you and your son might need to be a bit more careful here.

She went with 3 men around the time but shes certain the baby is your son's. Sorry but that's not possible.

I take it she was in some form of relationship with your son at some point? It doesnt sound like she was with the other 2 and your son is the "best bet" for being a dad.

He's more likely to want to be involved and take an active role. He's more likely to pay for his child. Lots of reasons he is the safer option.

Be careful. Without DNA proof she can change her mind on everything at any point and you dont have a leg to stand on. Surely that would hurt you and your son more in the long run?

Info for OP @SquishyBones and all the other posters talking about colouring...

colouring of eyes, hair and skin can skip one or more generations. It's not always the same as the parents. Some genes are recessive and some are dominant and it's quite complex which one trumps over a generation or more.

Also if your son is autistic this is another reason to know if he is the father as autism and linked conditions (like dyslexia, Asperger's etc) are considered genetic but more in males than females. This could be relevant for a diagnosis of your 'granddaughter ' in years to come and her mother ought to know who the father is.

It does sound like a bit of a mess. If the mother is so keen to include your son why are social services involved in contact? Is the mother sure it's your son's child or is he a the best option?

Surely as a mother she would want to be certain so there should be no harm in asking? Then your son and the rest of your family will know for sure.

The way to frame it is "We have a nagging doubt, can we just confirm it so we can move on from the worry", rather than, "I think you are trying to cuckold my Son"

Also, what if the mother meets someone new, which will happen. What if she knows that your DS isn't actually the child's father and decides she wants her new partner to be the baby's dad because it's more convenient, what rights will your DS have to that child?

Are you and your ds just going to go around burying your head and hoping for the best? Agree with everyone that a DNA test would be best. It's best you all know for sure earlier than later.