Does it matter if he’s not the dad?

[SquishyBones]

My first grandchild has been born. My son and his girlfriend were not together at the time she became pregnant and she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. But she told him the dates match and that he’s the father. He accepted this. Baby has been born and I love her so much. DS’s dad however (my ex) is certain that DS is not the dad. He says the babies skin is too dark, she has dark eyes (dark blue as most Caucasian babies have) and dark hair. DS is blonde and fair.

I have become very attached to the baby but whenever I share my excitement I’m told “be careful” “try to detach just incase” etc etc ...

The social services are involved and are acting as though DS is definitely the dad. AIBU to decide it doesn’t matter if he isn’t?? I’ve already become attached.

But this child is a newborn - they are not going to care much less even understand the possibility/ramifications for many, many years yet. I could completely understand if the "baby" was 16 years old and asking these questions themselves, but they are not.

Of course there could be hurt if the child finds out something that "everyone" knows later, but I don't think that is best served by having a DNA test now. The only people that a DNA test would serve at this point in time would be adults.

Right now what the child needs is two parents who love and care for them and that's what they have got. Not everyone's family is perfect, I think people are projecting from their own situation or how they believe they would feel in a situation. I just don't think it needs to be made any more complicated than it is right now.

DNA test 100%

If my son wanted to love and accept a child as his, then I'd love that child as my grandchild because I love my son. And also because I have plenty of love to give and no child can ever have too much love.

If later it were determined not to be true, well, I'd deal with that for myself when the time came.

You indicate that your son is autistic and somewhat emotionally fragile. I can see where it would be better for him to solve the issue of paternity now rather than months or years down the line. But you cannot force a DNA test if he is adamant. TBH, I think I'd try and consult with a professional as far as how to deal with this with him. But there may be ways to 'talk him round' that a professional may be able to guide you through.

Poor baby. She has been born into a very complex family. The SS must be concerned if your sons contact is supervised.

Your son is in fragile mental health and, as others have said, that could be quite a burden on this little girl as she gets older. Her grandfather doesn’t think she is his - there is a danger she will pick up on this in later years. There is also a risk another dad could appear on the scene.

She deserves to know who she is. It’s not about you, and it’s not about your son. I know it’s difficult, but you must put the little girls needs first.

Gently ask for a dna gets, the suggested by a op to simply say it’s a nagging bout you want to address.

Of course a DNA test should be carried out. If it proves that he is not the father yet you and him want to play a part in the child’s life (and the mother is supportive) then that’s great. But you are all setting yourself and this poor child up for much potential future heartbreak if you bury your heads.

Yes it does matter. If she decides he isn't the father and proves it by a DNA test your son will have no rights. I don't like the sound of her at all. I'd keep my distance till she has a test. Saving everyone a load of heartache.

It may matter to social services so in this case you do need to know, but being a parent has nothing to do with DNA.

I hate to hear how a child is entitled to know who her real parents are. The real parents are the ones who fed and changed her. Stayed up worrying when she was sick and so on.

It would matter to the babies real nan (if it is not your sons child). YABU. DNA test.

But this child is a newborn - they are not going to care much less even understand the possibility/ramifications for many, many years yet. I could completely understand if the "baby" was 16 years old and asking these questions themselves, but they are not.

So at what age do you think the child should be tested and possibly told “the man we’ve allowed you to bond with and call daddy isn’t daddy.”?

Do you not see how everyone knowing from the start means much less pain for the child later?

The child deserves to know who it’s biological parents are and also to be given the opportunity of a relationship with her biological dad.
The other two men deserve to know too. One of them might be a Dad!

@LastTrainEast but one of the other men might want to be the person do that?

You can't care for a child and bring it up if someone else was allowed to be its father because of a lack of a DNA test

Get a DNA test. Are you all prepared to lie to this child as they grow older about her parentage, leave her not knowing medical history, and possibly deny a father from knowing his child and deny an extended family from knowing a grandchild,niece,cousin? It is time for someone to be the adult here OP, time to step up and make the tough decisions.

My God daughter (7) doesn't know that her dad isn't her biological dad. Her older sister (14) knows and her younger sister (4) obviously doesn't. They had first daughter, then split for a while, she got pregnant and then they got back together. Biological dad has no contact. Her partner has been there since day one of her life and treats her as equally as her (unknown to her, half sisters). Her mum is adamant that when she's older she's going to tell the daughter that dad isn't her biological dad. I'm dreading when this day comes as how would you go about processing this? I think she should have been told when she was younger

The real parents are the ones who fed and changed her. Stayed up worrying when she was sick and so on.
Op's ds won't be the one doing that, he's allowed supervised access only, organised by social services.

My sister got pregnant at 18, met her future husband when she was six months gone and he raised my niece as his own. They went to counselling when she was 4 and the counsellor explained how to tell her the truth in a simple way (whilst respecting the wishes of her non-bio dad as being her father) that she will understand and she'll grow up knowing these relationships as the "norm". Rather than "bam he's not your dad" at an older age.

They didn't do that though, they chickened out. She found out aged 20 from a friend of a friend (small town). She has 3 brothers and sisters she never knew. She's still receiving therapy 3 years later and it manisfested into depression. No one at any point thought of her and her feelings around this, as long as they could peddle their lies (I did point it out fairly early on and was told to STFU).

Her mum is adamant that when she's older she's going to tell the daughter that dad isn't her biological dad. I'm dreading when this day comes as how would you go about processing this?

People say this and it never happens - fat better to say something when they're very young.

The fact of the matter is people don't like being made to feel embarrassed or shamed for their choices. They'd much rather lie to their kids than face up to their actions.

Surely ss are also failing the baby here by not insisting on a dna test?

Both my babies were born with dark hair and are now blonde. It's really weird, I expected them to be blonde as myself & DH are fair and had light blonde hair as children.
Although my baby photo was in black & white, so I'm not sure what hair colour I had when I was born 😂

@AdultierAdult

If he’s on the birth certificate, the mum and he are on good terms, he and you love the baby...what does it matter? Enjoy your grandchild.

I’ve had a blonde hair and blue eyed child with my husband who has dark hair and eyes, I have dark hair and green eyes. Genes don’t work to just replicate the parents exactly or a mix of them.

Completely irrelevant. We all know people who have a child who doesn't have the same hair colour or eye colour. This is about biology. The right of the child to know their medical history which can be serious if it isn't known.

If you think your DS's mental health is bad now, imagine her having a new relationship and saying to him 'actually I don't think you're the dad after all' AFTER he's bonded with the baby. He needs to do a DNA test ASAP.

100% do get a DNA test now. If this baby isn't your grandchild then far better to learn the truth now rather than X number of years later...

You say that she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. This greatly increases the chances that the father could be another man. Also, how sure are you that she is 100% telling the truth? What if there were actually 3 other men? Or 4? Or 5????

Get the DNA test done now and save yourself and your son a lot of potential heartbreak further down the line.

@GlummyMcGlummerson I honestly think she will tell her, but it will be shouted in and argument between her and her partner in a drunken row or something it's a pretty chaotic household to be honest and I've always tried to make a bit of extra attention for my lovely God daughter. She's such a lovely girl and I really just hope that I can be there for her when the shit inevitably hits the fan

Please support your son and advise him to get a DNA test. It's great that he's keen to be involved in the baby's life and if he is the dad, then that's wonderful. But if he isn't, the sooner he finds out, the better for everyone concerned.

Definitely get a DNA test. My friend's ex was desperate for another baby during their relationship, they split up and a few months later she told him she was pregnant. Swore on her first DC's life that he was the father. He started making maintenance payments shortly before the baby was born, wanted to have an active part in the baby's life even though he had split with the mother. But he got a DNA test done as well. And it turned out he wasn't the father. Turned out she'd had a fling with some guy soon after they broke up. He didn't want to know about the baby so she tried to pass it off as my friend's. Lots of upset for my friend and his parents. Best to find out the truth, also as a pp said about possible genetic conditions.

I think they need a DNA test. You day ds wont hear said she isnt his yet he is saying to you that he thinks she isnt?