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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does it matter if he’s not the dad?

166 replies

SquishyBones · 23/06/2020 19:38

My first grandchild has been born. My son and his girlfriend were not together at the time she became pregnant and she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. But she told him the dates match and that he’s the father. He accepted this. Baby has been born and I love her so much. DS’s dad however (my ex) is certain that DS is not the dad. He says the babies skin is too dark, she has dark eyes (dark blue as most Caucasian babies have) and dark hair. DS is blonde and fair.

I have become very attached to the baby but whenever I share my excitement I’m told “be careful” “try to detach just incase” etc etc ...

The social services are involved and are acting as though DS is definitely the dad. AIBU to decide it doesn’t matter if he isn’t?? I’ve already become attached.

OP posts:
RyanBergarasTeeth · 23/06/2020 20:02

He definitely needs a dna test. One its only right that the baby has a full right to know who her biological father is. Two the biological father has the right to know he has a child and three all sorts of moral and legal complications can arise from this in the future. But most poignantly i think child and real father have the right to know. Imagine if she isnt ds's and some other mans and he wanted a child and is deprived of knowing his child because some other man claimed her. I hope she is your sons if thats what you all want but he needs to know for sure.

Original poster
SquishyBones · 23/06/2020 20:03

My son is very fragile. He’s made numerous suicide attempts already. The only thing keeping him going is this baby. It’s so difficult.

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 23/06/2020 20:03

The real risk is that the mum changes her mind later and insists on DNA testing at that point, which then proves your DS is not biologically related to the baby. By that point you’ll all be very deeply attached and separation would be so much harder.

SuzetteCrepe · 23/06/2020 20:03

Wont the mum need to agree to a dna test on baby. What if she refuses.

louise5754 · 23/06/2020 20:05

A DNA test needs to be done.

However I'm blonde and husband dark hair. Both olive skin.

One DD is very pale with ginger hair.

The other has dark skin with light brown hair.

Both 100% my husbands.

AskingforaBaskin · 23/06/2020 20:05

I'm very sorry for your son.
But his wants don't trump the babies needs. The adults in the hot mess need to stop being selfish and put the child first.

PicaK · 23/06/2020 20:05

I would let yourself be vulnerable and risk it. Yes you might lose touch later but it won't take away your joy and delight atm. That exists right now as you've said. So enjoy it. Keeping the experience muted seems pointless.

picklemewalnuts · 23/06/2020 20:08

All you can do in this situation is support your son and prepare him as much as possible for all the outcomes.

I think you can request to talk to SS to express your concerns.

You could also be tested to see if you are the grandmother even if your son doesn't consent to being tested as the father.

You can't tell by looking - babies appearance changes a lot- and you tend to see what you want to see.

DS1 was dark skinned, dark eyed, with masses of crimped hair at birth. He looked nothing like us (fair and freckles). DS2 was bald, pink and white and chubby- much more like us. At 18 months- 2yrs, they were indistinguishable.

Original poster
SquishyBones · 23/06/2020 20:12

The mum has done everything she can to include DS, she wrapped her in his clothes when She was born, listened to his favourite songs when she was in labour, takes daily photos and videos for him ...

It’s just so difficult. I think she is his. DS was darker when he was newborn

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 23/06/2020 20:13

Of course it matters if your DS is the dad. If he isn't then the child is not your grandchild.

It sounds possible that the child could have one of several fathers. What if the child isn't your son's? It is better for him to know for definite rather than assume his gf is correct in her guesswork.

What happens if he becomes very attached to the child only for him to split up with the gf again, and maybe he finds out the child isn't his? What would this do to your son?

I think your ex is right to tell you not to get too attached. How would you feel to suddenly find it isn't your grandchild and the gf is moving on with someone else and you are no longer part of the child's life?

GroggyLegs · 23/06/2020 20:17

New babies are lovely & it's wonderful to welcome new life into your family, but you can't ignore this massive elephant in the room. Your DH is already questioning things.

What are they planning to tell the child?
What happens if your son & the mum fall out?

Josette77 · 23/06/2020 20:17

It's not about the adults it's about the baby. She has a right to know who her biological dad is. It's incredibly selfish to think otherwise.

Zilla1 · 23/06/2020 20:18

Sorry haven't read the thread fully. A side point but I'd ignore your ex - Human phenotype genetics can be complex and the notion that a 'fair' son can't have a darker child is almost always wrong.

What your son is probably going to need to do is to decide if paternity is going to be a deal breaker quickly and either put any uncertainty out of mind permanently or to seek a test now. To allow the baby, you and others to bond then to check later and change behaviours and the babies family later if any DNA test shows no paternity wouldn't be fair.

Good luck and enjoy your grandchild.

Nottherealslimshady · 23/06/2020 20:20

You need a DNA test. If hes not the dad then someone is the dad, and therefore, someone else is the grandmother.

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 23/06/2020 20:21

I think it matters because they're not together.

If they were together, your DS could choose to raise the child as his own, even if it wasn't. However, as they're not in a relationship, he's very much dependent on how reasonable his ex is - if she later says he's not the father, will he retain any visitation rights?

The issue here isn't about loving or supporting a child that might not be a blood relative, it's about what if access to that child is legally and suddenly taken away from you all.

DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 23/06/2020 20:23

You need to start thinking about this from the baby's view. Supposing everything works out, your DS and his ex co parent brilliant and the now grown up baby goes and gets one of those DNA tests to show her more about her family history, or worse, one of the other men is the father and one of their relatives contacts her.

Or as someone else has said, the worst happens and she needs a transplant and finds out that way.

Yes these are worse case scenario, but it could be avoided by doing is now and then being honest with the child as she gets older.

Whenwillthisbeover · 23/06/2020 20:24

Your son was not with his GF at the time she became pregnant and she has two other sexual relationships with other men. Yet you say your first grandchild has been born. Seriously, no good will come of this unless you have proof either way.

lardass88 · 23/06/2020 20:25

I had a mate who was told by his gf the baby she was carrying was his. He accepted it and loved the child as his own. However after a year his gf presented him with a DNA test and told him he wasn't the father and the bio dad was having contact. Broke his heart. They went on to have another child together but then broke up. It all got very messy with contact as his ex wanted the daighter to stop calling him dad etc and he wasn't allowed to see her as much. The poor child was confused with why she didn't see him as much and why she wasn't allowed to call him daddy. Such a fucked up mess. Just get a dna and save yourself and that poor child some issues

Bluewarbler27 · 23/06/2020 20:25

I’m blonde with blue eyes. All my kids have dark brown hair and brown eyes my daughter has very dark skin. They look nothing like me at all. They’re definitely mine though 😂.

OffToSingapore · 23/06/2020 20:26

He needs to know. If he's not the biological father then the mother could cut contact at any time. If his mental health is fragile now just imagine how he'll be in five or ten years time, if his child is taken away from him permanently.

CaraDune · 23/06/2020 20:26

@SquishyBones

My son is very fragile. He’s made numerous suicide attempts already. The only thing keeping him going is this baby. It’s so difficult.
With the best will in the world, Squishy, this is primarily about the baby, not your son's needs. If your son genuinely is suicidal, it may not be in the baby's best interests long term to have contact, specially not if your son is somehow seeing the baby (even subconsciously) as the person in his life who will rescue him.

Parents are there to look after their children, not vice versa. As soon as a parent sees the child as filling the parent's needs, rather than the parent being there to fill the child's needs, the child is going to get damaged.

I realise this is very hard for you to hear, because this is your son, and you sound like the sort of parent who is instinctively there for your son, even now he's an adult. But the way to help him is to get him treatment for his suicidal ideation, not to hang all your hopes on a parental relationship between your son and the baby which is being set up from the outset to work "back-to-front."

Flowers - this must be incredibly hard for you.

titchy · 23/06/2020 20:27

Of course it matters ffs. It's not about providing you and your ds with a cuddly baby to coo over or some sort of purpose in your lives. It's a living breathing baby with rights of its own who has a right to know who its parents are.

Talcott2007 · 23/06/2020 20:28

I think you have to know for sure in this instance the long term ramifications of this is further down the line the baby turns out not to be his would be worse give the updates out your DS mental health. Will the babies DM give concent to a DNA test? Because I think you could provide a sample to compare against the babies to she if you are related which by default would tell you if your DS is the father?

morethanafortnight · 23/06/2020 20:32

My dad was blond with light blue eyes and a swarthy complexion. When I was born I had black hair and dark violet eyes, and very pale skin. He was definitely my dad. By the time I was two I had blonde hair and light blue eyes just like him (and his unusual blood group).

Your ex is stirring up trouble (I presume he's an ex for a reason).

dogsdinnerlady · 23/06/2020 20:34

If your DS earns an income now or at any time in the future, the mother will have the right to pursue him for maintenance, for 18 years.