To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

Are they doctors or shopkeepers?

Do people really get that specific? That's an incredibly blinkered attitude. I'm shocked by that.

My husband gets asked it all the time, born here, mixed heritage - has dark olive skin green eyes. It doesn't bother him at all that people ask.

I remember getting a real mouthful off a guy in a bar who was chatting me up (years ago as I am fat and old now). It was in Manchester and he had a southern accent (Gloucester/Cornwall sounding) and I asked where he was from - he called me racist and a bitch. I genuinely wondered where his accent was from!

It's a common question and even now I would say 'where are you from' rather than 'where do you live' as the latter sounds a tad stalkerish.

It's just small talk

Can you not put a little more about your background in your profile?

But i got asked that every time but i dont look like im from anywhere else, I just presumed the man meant which city not which country

Hi OP

I’m not dating but was reading this thread with interest.

If it’s any consolation, I’m British but get asked all the time where I’m from. Does my head in sometimes! I have almost natural black hair, dark brown eyes and very olive skin. I look Greek, Southern Spanish - southern European. But I’m not. I have my family tree and I’ve done my ancestry gene test which matches up perfectly. I’m 84 percent English, the rest Norwegian and a tiny pinch of Scottish/ north west France. My youngest daughter is olive so much so she gets accused of wearing fake tan at school or being Latino. It’s just so odd - but my great grandfather was very swarthy so it’s clearly a family trait. But no, I don’t think it’s an awkward question though for people to ask - especially when dating, it’s part of introducing yourself and taking an interest in the other person.

I can imagine you must get fed up too though and when I was in my 20’s and dating, almost every man I met said “are you Spanish?” It does get boring. Even last week a delivery driver said he thought I was foreign. It’s just part of life really and I don’t take any offence, he was actually being friendly. I just wish I could say “ yes I’m part Greek!” - When I say I’m British people look at me like I’m lying! So no, it’s not an awkward question in my view. I find talking about ethnic heritage, accents and culture really interesting, plus it breaks the ice if you’re seeing someone new.

I once entered the living room to find FIL asking DS1’s girlfriend (Indian heritage, us all white) where she was, “Really, really from,” and the rest of my kids cringing themselves inside out.

And I know he was just really curious, having seen quite a bit of the world himself, but I think if people tell us they find it tedious and demoralising we should listen to them, even if it seems fairly harmless to us.

I am disabled and DH is very sporty. We’ve been together thirty years but we’re not married. I was disabled when we met. Sometimes, as a bit of an in joke, we introduce each other as boyfriend/girlfriend and you can see the cogs moving and people trying to work out how long we have been together and how on earth did she bag him, or have they been together ages and it’s all very tragic. Leading, nosy little questions. It’s quite irritating.

I would ask this question if I couldn’t place an accent. Ironically, I probably wouldn’t ask the question of someone whose ethnicity I wasn’t certain of in case I caused offence, even if I was bursting to know where their accent was from. But then I’m a linguist and I find accents fascinating.

I constantly get asked this about my husband. I do answer but of course once I say London the blatant racism comes out with questions about where he’s really from as if dark people can’t be British and I’m lying about where he’s from for some reason. The British are just quite racist, I would stop seeing anyone who asks this kind of question. If you have a brutish accent it’s pretty fucking obvious where you’re from.

It's a normal question to ask or be asked, especially when meeting new people.

I am not asked that because I am always assumed to be from around here when I am not.
I am sorry they do that to you. They probably do not know that they are "that guy". Someone should tell them.

It depends on tone, context, and intent. Sometimes it just means where do you live or where did you spend your childhood. It can be as disinterestedly insular as determining your precise current neighbourhood or as politely curious as inquiring about your hometown. (As in, "Applewood Grove - so you're not in league with those scheming weasels from the Box Hill book club!" Or, "Torquay? Devon is nice; my cousin had a lovely vacation there.")

Directed toward me, though, it is often followed up by, "Where are you really from?" At that point, it's obvious it means "you look foreign and I won't be satisfied until you admit it".

It is not in itself an impolite question. It can be perfectly innocuous smalltalk and on par with chatting about the weather. You will know whether it is intended as a pleasantry or intolerance within a couple of sentences. I wouldn't be offended until you determine the intent.

Oh, I thought where are you from just meant where do you live now or have you lived recently in this town or one nearby, nothing to do with actually another country. But I’m in regional Australia and as a dating question it would be asked more to see if you might know so and so who went to high school 10 years ago in town A, even though you’ve met this person in town b, so more to establish whether or not you might have friends or locations in common.

Perhaps if you had a very strong non Australian accent it could be asked as a county question but our area is very multicultural and a strong non Australian accent doesn’t mean someone WASN’T born in Australia anyway.

I'm indian and am often asked as a first question by total randomers 'where are you from' when I say Midlands, they often follow up with 'no, where are you really from'. Annoys me to no end. Sometimes I play with them until they actually have to spell it out - 'where did your parents come from'

It’s definitely a different question if asked to someone white or a bit ‘brown’ like me. You are not allowed to be simply English or British if you don’t look the part. I have olive skin and ambiguous looks. My father was illegitimate and never knew his biological father - never spoken about in the family, we think he may have been from the Caribbean but my dad was born in the twenties - he was brought up very ‘English’ in his white family.
So, I’ve had the question lots , usually involves ‘but you don’t look English ‘, ‘you can’t be English’, ‘where are your people from?’ ‘Where are you really from?’ - I used to have the question more when young , dating etc, possibly curiosity sometimes , I was definitely seen as exotic . Been told to ‘go home’ to where I was from before. My best friend who I was usually with never got asked , very English Rose looks.

If I said the town I was born I’d get pressed, if I said the town my parents were born I’d get pressed further with the questioner getting more irate. If I said the true answer - ie I didn’t actually know where my biological grandfather was from I wasn’t believed . If I said it wasn’t their business where my biological grandparent came from they got very defensive .

It would depend on my mood how I answered. Often I just used to make up a country to satisfy their curiosity if they didn’t believe the truth ‘oh yes actually I’m Greek’. Then they’d smile smugly and nod knowingly as if to say, oh of course I knew that all the time. To be honest I don’t recall ever get asked now , as I’m in my fifties and sort of middle aged invisible.
I have a bulk standard southern accent so it was never about the accent.

If this thread doesn't show that if you want to be offended by anything, you will be!

Where are you from? London
Whereabout? or where you originally from?

as in ..."London" is usually anywhere within the M25 so that's not such an unreasonable question
or people expect a "I was born in.. zone 1/2/3, or went to school in x/y/z)
OR I was born in (any place)

it really is just small talk, it's an open question leading to more small talk.

For people who get offended, what exactly is safe to talk with you about?!?

Jannice mmm... let's see what other questions you could ask. How about you ask an overweight person how they gained weight? Or a person in a minimum wage job what they got for their A Levels at school? Or a single person how her love life is going? Would you? You probably would find those questions rude and rightly so. Because they might make the person feel lacking or standing out in a negative way compared to others. That's roughly how it feels for a "foreigner" to be asked where they are from by a stranger.

I lived in my home town for the first 20 years of my life, then moved to another town on the outskirts of London for nearly 10 years. Now living almost in Scotland, so if I were asked I'd be a bit !
I guess I'd answer " Originally xx but now I'm xyz "

I find it really interesting to see that white people will see no issue with the comments and therefore expect anybody else to think the same than them. They seem to think that because it's their experience, then it HAS TO BE everone else experience.

Do you realise you are basically shutting down other people's experience by saying that they are 'easily offended'? And that you are also basically denying the fact that for other people, people with the wrong skin colour or a foreign accent, the experience is titally different?
Because thats what racism is about btw....

I would never dare saying to someoe who is black or of asian descent that their experience is wrong or that they didn't read the situation right. Because these are exactely the sort of small acts of racism that grate and hurt. And remind people all the time of where they 'belong'.
See @BettyFerrera experience amongst many others.

My very simple experience.
If I take a taxi the first question I am asked is 'where are you from?'
DH is never asked that question
If I and dh are together, we are never asked that question.
Somehow the taxi driver manages to talk about many other things.
DH is british and looks british (pale skin, blond hair, right accent). I am white but with a 'forreign' accent....
My own dcs who are british with a british dad and have never lived anywhere else than the small town we are living in are told they are not british....

I don’t think this is an offensive question per se, no. You could just as easily decide to take it as a compliment, if you like. I’m Spanish, but I've been here over 20 years and literally nobody asks me this, but maybe it’s because I still have a slight accent, so they just know anyway But so what? DH is Indian / Iranian / Argentinian and he looks as if he could be from anywhere from South America is the ME to (Northern) India. We have 4 DC. One looks quite Indian, I would say. One was quite fair when she was born - she’s slightly darker- haired now, but has blue eyes. Another one has kind of hazel eyes. In their schools (West London), probably 50% of children are at least. part-Asian / Middle Eastern or something. It’s the norm, so nobody really thinks to ask. Even the ones who look white British are often Russian, American or Euro. In fact, if I think of my youngest’s class, I don’t think anyone has two white British parents. But this kind of thing is just a non-issue. Nobody has ever asked my kids “where are you from,” but if that happened, they wouldn’t mind. Maybe it depends where you live?

Actually, the only time this has happened was when I took my second baby to the GP for a check up in the early months. This is the one who was very fair (well, fair by our standards), but her brother was with us and he does look ME like his dad. The GP did ask me if they have the same dad. . But fair enough. I wasn’t offended and I can see why people might ask.

@thatsnotgoingtowork, yep I totally get what you are talking about!!

I've seen that sort of attitude from my own PIL about my dcs, their own dgc :(

@brrrruuh, what this shows is tht it depends where yu are living.
In the environment you are in, having mixed heritage etc.. is the norm so people don't ask!

I think that London is different than the rest of england when it comes to that. I can promise you that where I live in the NE, the situation is VERY different

I’ve discovered to my dismay that this is apparently a very loaded question in the uk.

Having spent 20 years in the ex pat circuit the first thing we do is ask where are you from? And then move on to discuss work.
I’m white british, I ask everyone who I meet now, where are you from? But it’s not a question about heritage or ethnicity it’s a question about them now- why are you here are you from this city etc.
People look at me very suspiciously and I’m having to relearn what openers are appropriate to use now. It makes me upset that some people have experienced discrimination in my home country that the where are you from? question is received defensively.

@bubbleup
Eh? Are people this desperate to be offended?

I get asked and ask this all the time when I meet people

My thoughts entirely

I get asked this too, especially when I used to dye my hair black. People used to be fascinated as I have very blue eyes and tan easily. Once in NYC a woman on a table next to me sat staring at me and at the end of the dinner, she came over and asked where I was from as I have 'exotic colouring' ! It amused me, especially as my natural colour is just a boring old brown

Also, Spain and Italy are in Southern Europe not Western!

I don’t think it needs to be a loaded question though? People are just interested probably? If anyone asked my kids ”where are you from?” they would just explain, but they’re not embarrassed about their heritage. Why should it be a negative?

i get this a lot but don’t get offended as I saw mainly older generation people at work and they were just trying to be friendly. I do know some relatives who would be offended though.