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Original poster

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 23/06/2020 19:20

He's got two lots of bills because he's moved in with you and kept his own house. He needs to meet the extra costs that he's costing you (does that make sense, the extra food/fuel bills) BEFORE he puts anything away for savings. The savings come last at the moment.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/06/2020 19:21

you're being taken for a MUG OP Flowers

WillowPuppy · 23/06/2020 19:26

I would say you have got off on the wrong foot as you were worried about the situation initially however it isn’t acceptable for him to think he can not contribute & still save & invest in his property.
He makes his mortgage payment each month & therefore decreases the value of his debt - remember he will have a property at the end of that whether he lives there or not.
You have increased expenses & will have nothing from that when you move as it’s rent not mortgage- he should be paying, the actual amount should be talked about (he seems to see it that you both have your own properties & this is not the case).
Firstly I think you should ask him what financial arrangement he would have suggested if you moved in with him?
Then ask how much he has saved since he moved in & how much he has paid towards his mortgage - show him how much more it costs you to have him live there & how much you have paid in rent & how much saved (presumably not much as your expenses have gone up)
Then discuss - hopefully he will realise he hasn’t been thinking things through from both perspectives & any savings made from the B&B should be split equally & he should still contribute.
If he can’t see he’s not being fair then & that whether or not he means to, he is taking advantage then you may have to just give him an ultimatum.

morethanafortnight · 23/06/2020 19:31

Let me get this straight. He earns more than you, and the cost of his mortgage and utilities is less than your costs.

So...
He is paying his mortgage, rates etc on his own place, which are usually paid for by renting it out
He is saving money on some of his utilities because he isn't using them at the moment
He is not having to pay for any food
He is not contributing to your increased bills
He has sex on tap
He has a cook, cleaner and washerwoman
He is using your internet, water, electricity, etc etc etc
He is sitting on your furniture and using your plates and cutlery
He is managing to save hundreds a month

Whereas you have:
Increased food bills
Increased rates
Increased utilities
An extra mouth to feed and clothes to wash

Sitting pretty, isn't he?

Gingefringe · 23/06/2020 19:32

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

So the Air BNB hasn't happened yet then? If there's a problem with this why doesnt he just rent the property out on a proper tenancy to cover his mortgage. He could then split your rent and bills.

I doubt he'd do this though as he seems to find excuses for everything whilst being completely mean.

Motoko · 23/06/2020 19:34

There's no point having a conversation and trying to get him to contribute, he's financially abusing you and will gaslight you until he gets his own way. NO decent person says their savings are non negotiable in order to not even pay for the food they eat.

You need to kick him out, now, before he eats any more of the food you've paid for, or increases your bills. You will be better off financially as soon as he moves out.

LightenUpSummer · 23/06/2020 19:36

I agree this has gone way beyond a rational conversation, he’s shown his true colours.

I’ve said this before about other men on here but where’s his pride?? I’d be so ashamed of myself, taking advantage of anyone this way.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/06/2020 19:38

You pay his share of bills and his food. So it's really your money that is building up his savings. Which are non-negotiable? Clearly then if he doesn't have money for both his savings and the food bill, then eating is 'negotiable'.

Rainycloudyday · 23/06/2020 19:40

Ask him out of interest, given that the savings are ‘non-negotiable’ who would be paying for his food for the last month if he didn’t have you in his life....of course he couldn’t possibly have paid for his own food because the savings are completely non-negotiable and he literally doesn’t have the money after that. I guess it would have been a hungry month. Or would he, per chance, have scraped the money together from somewhere? Hmm

Anydreamwilldo12 · 23/06/2020 19:40

What a bastard. Show him the door OP.

SpringFan · 23/06/2020 19:41

This is so wrong.
Seriously, is he even giving you the extra council tax you are now paying?
Wil he split the savings pot he has accrued since he moved in if you split? I thought not! Thats money that you could have saved for your DC.
Don't feed him this month, just buy enough for you and DC. That's not negotiable!
Better still, get rid- he is financially abusive, and has convinced you its OK.

Rainycloudyday · 23/06/2020 19:41

Cross post with @KatharinaRosalie thinking exactly the same!

dullmiserablepeople · 23/06/2020 19:43

Did you lose any tax credits etc when he moved in? Your council tax must have increased as you'll no longer get the single person discount.

Coyoacan · 23/06/2020 19:48

Sorry, OP. You are so concerned about not seeming like a gold-digger and he is using that fear so that he can save at your expense.

He is an unprincipled git

Glitteryone · 23/06/2020 19:49

Wow you’re definitely being taken for a mug. Sorry!

Lancrelady80 · 23/06/2020 19:50

@ShadowMane

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old.

so you are paying HIM rent to live in his house????????????? HELLO!!!!

I thought that initially but reread and realised OP had missed a comma...he owns a house, I rent. Not that she rents the house he owns.
37KAT · 23/06/2020 19:51

OP try to resolve this now, there has been a lot uncertainty over the last few months however you can't allow this to go on... he will probably say he is saving for you both. If that's the case it needs to be in a joint account.... his mortgaged property is HIS asset. He isn't being fair on you.

Viviennemary · 23/06/2020 19:52

No. That isn't very fair. He needs to pay his fair share of the food bills. And half rent as well. He's on to a good thing financially. I agree with asking him to leave. He sounds really selfish.

BlingLoving · 23/06/2020 19:57

FFS. This has made me so angry.

  1. You bills have gone up.
  2. He is saving money by living with you (and the fact that he isn't renting his house out right now is irrelevant. If he WAS renting it, he'd be making money.)
  3. If this is how he is now, how bad will things be in 5 years time when you have a DC together and you want to take maternity leave? or perhaps when you move to a bigger house and you still have to pay more while doing all the childcare? Or whatever.
  4. He's saving for the two of you? Bullshit. if you're married, fine, that may fly. But you're not. You have zero security and increased costs.

Why the actual fuck are there so many men like this? I honestly don't get it. Have they no self respect!?

TeamLannister · 23/06/2020 19:58

He's totally scamming you. He has also shown you who he is...and how he sees you. He's no good and you won't change him.

AmyFl · 23/06/2020 19:58

He's the gold-digger.

Wishforsnow · 23/06/2020 20:03

This is so wrong, you deserve better. He is using you. Don't believe the rubbish about him saving for you both if your name is not on the account. You have nothing and he is saving a nest egg for himself.

MuchTooTired · 23/06/2020 20:03

He’s taking the piss. If you suggest all three of you moving to his place and you just pay a bit towards food, does he think that’s fair as he’s already paying for it anyway?

ShadowMane · 23/06/2020 20:03

@Lancrelady80 ah, thanks

Diarytime · 23/06/2020 20:06

He is stealing money from you & your child You are so " desperate" for a "man" in your life, that you pay his share of the bills & now he wants you to pay for his food ! Iagree, any self respecting partner, would set up a direct debit to pay you money at the start of each month Send him back to his property
Why don’t people get this stuff ironed out before moving in together.