To be upset I feel like I have been made to look like an idiot

[Indigodizzy]

I feel so upset and really stupid but don't know if I'm overreacting.

Just had a huge argument with DH because a woman has been texting him again. This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all

This woman has a habit of texting DH. DH says that it's just quick snippets of information, nothing long, but he refuses to show me the messages, even though he knows how upset I am about it. He said he wouldn't show me messages from anyone, not just her.

I feel so hurt and used. To he honest I feel like I've been made a fool of by both of them. DH has pushed me into being friends with her, I've invited her on days out, looked after her children having her so much in childcare over the years.

But then whenever there's something happening or she wants to know something, she will always message DH. It's honestly not jealousy, it's just more a case of why would she do that?

I've told DH that's fine if he doesn't want to show me the messages but to have some self-respect, I won't be having anything to do with her anymore. No more being overly kind, offering her my children's old stuff, childcare, nothing.

Am I over-reacting? I just feel so sad and mad at both of them

Where is your husband when you are minding her kids?
I wonder if he's with her?
Just wondered if she left her house with her kids, got you to mind them whilst fucking your husband.
Does he help to mind her kids, or just you.
Don't do it again and ignore her, better still tll her as she isn't your friend best she doesn't contact you or dh.

You are babysitting for the OW.

Where is your anger?

Wtf do people let it get this far, without kicking the men out.
If randomers on the internet can see, it must be bloody obvious to everyone who knows you.
Pack his bags, take stuff round to ow and give it to her dh for her.

So is your plan just to ghost her when you say you are cutting ties with her? Are you not going to explain or does she NEVER text you...only him?

And how do you know she is sending msgs that must be kept secret? Is it just because he won't show you....that doesn't necessarily mean she wants them kept secret. It cd be that he is annoyed that you are doubting him...maybe?

18 mths though is a new friendship...I thought you meant when you said initially that he said she is his friend that they had a long friendship before you appeared on scene. So how does he know her then?? Tell him you won't be doing any more minding for her as you are intentionally being excluded from this friendship with their pally texts so they are taking you for a gobshite. Anymore minding he agrees to then he is doing it. And tell him you are v annoyed if he puts her ahead of you & continues knowing now that you have felt used. And see what happens.... if he continues regardless without acknowledging how you feel then you have an DH problem...

I think that there is more going on between the two of them than your husband is admitting to. If not already a physical affair, then certainly an emotional affair.

It sounds as though he is encouraging her, he's no doubt getting a real ego boost from the attention she's giving him. You need to have a serious talk to him about how much this is hurting you.

Ask him to stop any contact with her, let him know that you are serious.

He's certainly being a self centred prick, and showing you no respect. He needs a wake up call about exactly what he is risking. So stop making excuses for him and minimising his behaviour, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

@SionnachGlic What am I supposed to say to her?

Thinking about it though, she has never messaged me for anything other than when she wants something.

Seriously op.?? Wake up.
He is lying to you and Hiding things from you.

And you are just there being all: nah I don't care about the messages and I am not jealous.

I would go through his messages straight away. And then based on what I found kick him out or not.

Say nothing to her. Your argument is with your husband.

I take it he hasn't showed you the texts OP?

I won't be doing anymore favours for her or messaging anymore whilst she is messaging him.

I can't for one minute believe that someone is that naive to believe that that would even be ok.

You see, I see nothing wrong with her messaging your husband as such -- I have a close male friend and we message one another all the time about all kinds of things. I've only met his wife a few times because it started off as a work friendship and we live quite a long way apart and commute from opposite directions, so I have no relationship with her. I can't imagine a situation in which either she or my DH would demand to see our conversations.

No one made you befriend your DH's friend, OP, or to demonstrate your friendship by doing childcare for her those were your decisions. You make think she was cheeky to ask, but you of course could have said no. My DH has friends, male and female., that I don't like and don't see. You know nothing about the content of her messages, only your DH's odd remark that she's 'not your friend' which you still haven't clarified. Was he simply saying (childishly) that she's still primarily his friend, not yours?

I agree with @GabriellaMontez that your gripe is with your DH.

OP,
Have you posted before about this woman?

Your husband insisting you ask her to join ye and he is friendly with her from school pick ups?

If it is, he made you feel really miserable.

What do you mean now that you've cut them off your DH doesn't need to be in touch with them?

Who's "them"? And didn't this all start because your DH is in touch with her because they're friends, and you're not?

You might not mean it, but you're coming across as one of those women who thinks your poor, hapless husband is being targeted by the big, bad, promiscuous woman.

He owes you loyalty. Not her.

I think he's just loving the attention and the drama. I shouldn't think there is anything exciting in those messages at all, but for some reason he's getting a kick out of pretending he has two women desperate to rip his clothes off.

Starve his attention seeking behaviour. Just ignore him. He's getting off on it.

But I would blank her too, frankly. She sounds like a sponge.

Hi OP,

I didn't know your level if interaction with her & if you were just going to now ignore her...if she texts you again. Or if you were going to respond...if she does text...& if so, what you intend to say to express your annoyance.

I think though, as I said above,and other posters also say...if your DP does nothing to allay your concerns & continues with the texting then what will you do...because he'll be doing it knowing it upsets you. Although maybe he thinks you are being unreasonable & dramatic with the cutting ties if he is perfectly innocent. Does he know you feel used, have you explained it...or does he think you are just unnecessarily suspicious about a texr?