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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset I feel like I have been made to look like an idiot

164 replies

Indigodizzy · 23/06/2020 16:29

I feel so upset and really stupid but don't know if I'm overreacting. Sad

Just had a huge argument with DH because a woman has been texting him again. This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all ConfusedSad

This woman has a habit of texting DH. DH says that it's just quick snippets of information, nothing long, but he refuses to show me the messages, even though he knows how upset I am about it. He said he wouldn't show me messages from anyone, not just her.

I feel so hurt and used. To he honest I feel like I've been made a fool of by both of them. DH has pushed me into being friends with her, I've invited her on days out, looked after her children having her so much in childcare over the years.

But then whenever there's something happening or she wants to know something, she will always message DH. It's honestly not jealousy, it's just more a case of why would she do that?

I've told DH that's fine if he doesn't want to show me the messages but to have some self-respect, I won't be having anything to do with her anymore. No more being overly kind, offering her my children's old stuff, childcare, nothing.

Am I over-reacting? I just feel so sad and mad at both of them Sad

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 23/06/2020 18:22

If he had nothing to hide he'd be happy to show you. He refuses, even knowing how much pain he's causing you. I'd say there's good reason he won't show you. You need to find a way to read them. I wouldn't stay with someone so cruel. Sorry OP Thanks

blacksax · 23/06/2020 18:25

My dh has a load of friends, both male and female, and I know most of them - if not as close friends, then certainly as acquaintances to chat to.

If he spent loads of time exchanging messages with one of his female friends in particular, refused to tell me what the messages were about, refused to let me see any of the messages, and told me that she was his friend and not mine, I'd be damn suspicious, and would have every right to be.

This isn't anything to do with the OP not allowing her dh to have any female friends at all - it has everything to do with him having one particular special friendship with a woman that is getting a bit too cosy.

OhCaptain · 23/06/2020 18:25

There's a lot of jumping to conclusions here. Confused

Were they friends and he introduced the two of you? If so, I can understand why she's texting him and not you.

I feel like I'm missing something here. Why do you mind her texting him?

I have to say if DH started demanding to see my messages I'd be a bit Hmm about it. Why are you suspicious of the messages?

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 23/06/2020 18:26

He sounds like a total twat. Probably wants you both fighting over him. Don't bloody help her out and I'd be seriously giving him an ultimatum.

If you have been doing her childcare for you and she's bitching about you to your DH -I'd say dump them both. If he isn't willing to stand up for you and say Oi X she's done loads of childcare for you don't be bitchy -then he is no friend of yours -so without friendship how can he be your DH. Wanker.

category12 · 23/06/2020 18:26

Exactly, which is why she would message the DH instead of the OP.

Yes, so they're not friends. So DH was telling the truth when he said that, not just because it was a row Hmm. I'm glad we agree.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 23/06/2020 18:26

Emotional affair at the very least, he should be showing his messages to prove that's shes just a mate but coz he isn't clearly shows he has stuff to hide

Prayerwheel · 23/06/2020 18:31

More information needed, OP. This sounds like a very weird dynamic. So this woman was your DH's friend first, he 'forced' (how?) you to befriend her, which you did (again, why?) by doing free childcare and giving her your children's old things, and believed she was a joint friend. Now your husband for some reason suddenly announces she's not your friend (meaning what? That she's really only his friend? That she's behaving badly to/about you behind your back?) and you suddenly want to see his messages from her?

Also, you son't say 'DH's female friend is texting him again', you say 'a woman' -- are you suggesting a pattern of sexting or infidelity? It just sounds like an odd way of designating someone you both know...?

Susanna85 · 23/06/2020 18:33

He probably won't show you the messages until he's deleted the ones that show its him engaging with her! And he's trying to pass the blame on to her. No need to keep innocent messages a secret / private.

Sounds like you're being taken for a fool whichever way around it is.

MilerVino · 23/06/2020 18:35

My OH has several female friends who pre-date me. If I was ever worried about his contact with any of them he'd have a bit of a giggle about the idea that he was having an affair, and then show me the messages. If there was something private that a long-standing female friend had told him he might not show me those. That might be e.g. if she was having family problems that she wanted to discuss with him as a friend, but didn't want to tell me as I don't know her quite so well.

We'd then have a discussion about why I was feeling insecure and try to work out ways to alleviate this - but in general in our relationship any insecurity is mine because of my history and nothing to do with my OH's behaviour. You need to work this out OP - is your insecurity your issue, or something to do with the way he behaves?

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 23/06/2020 18:39

Massive screaming red flag that he won't show you the messages.

Your husband and wife FFS. Of course you shouldn't be habitually 'checking' eachother's phones but he knows that you're not happy about the texts with this woman so...showing you would be the only way to prove that it's innocent (if it is). Doesn't sound innocent at all to me.

OhYeahYouSuck · 23/06/2020 18:42

I wouldn't trust either of them. Whilst I don't randomly snoop I'd assume his refusal to put your mind at ease means there is something to hide.

IWantT0BreakFree · 23/06/2020 18:43

Yes, so they're not friends. So DH was telling the truth when he said that, not just because it was a row hmm. I'm glad we agree.

There's a whole spectrum between "not friends" and "completely equal friends with both halves of a couple". The fact that this woman has a closer friendship with the OP's husband doesn't mean she isn't friends with OP at all. It just means she is better friends with the husband. Which is perfectly fine.

God the level of angst on this thread is unreal and actually a bit cruel. If OP is feeling insecure without any good reason, people jumping to wild conclusions and encouraging her to respond in a controlling and irrational way, is not helpful. It's getting your kicks out of stoking someone's misery. Nasty.

OP, there is no evidence in your post that anything untoward is going on. At all. If you have more reasons to be suspicious then by all means tell us and we can offer meaningful advice. But this can't be helping you.

Pepperwand · 23/06/2020 18:48

Tough one but then again there is a lot of jumping to conclusions here. I have a close male friend that I've known since before I met DH. If he asked to see my messages I'd be really hurt and wonder why there was no trust in our marriage. Similarly DH has a female friend that he's known donkeys years, we do socialise with her and her husband but she'd always message DH, not me and that's fine.... she's his friend and if DH and I split up tomorrow I'd have no reason to see her again.

That said, I think the fact he's refusing to show you would give me pause. I'd have thought he'd be rightly angry you asked but would show you the messages to prove it's nothing then have it out about your lack of trust/control issues. If he's not showing you and you've got a bad feeling then he is essentially putting his relationship with her above your feelings. How is everything else in the marriage? Is everything good usually or are there other issues?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/06/2020 18:53

Sp do you have friends who text you? Do you show him the texts. There is a friend that is mostly my husbands, I have met her talked to her and would willingly look after her children, but she is my husbands friend really and so I don,t feel i have to look at his texts.

But if you wanted see them, would he show you?

And how would you feel if he told you to bugger off?

OhCaptain · 23/06/2020 18:54

I think the reason why you want to see the messages is the crux of it.

I wouldn't ask to see my husband's messages because I don't have any reason to look at his private correspondence.

As things are now, if I suddenly started demanding to see his phone I can see him being fairly pissed off at that!

He would show them to me though, in fairness...

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 23/06/2020 18:55

There was a thread like this a few weeks ago, the dh was forcing the OP to invite the neighbour on says out. Was that you OP? Can't find it to check.
If so he's ramping things up a bit, please open your eyes. You deserve better.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/06/2020 18:55

if she is only his friend please ask him to do childcare for her

Yes - do this.

istheresomethingishouldknow · 23/06/2020 18:55

has she ever done childcare for you?

MuseumOfYou · 23/06/2020 18:58

They are making a fool of you and very likely having an affair in plain sight

Sadly, this was my experience. It happened just as you describe...

june2007 · 23/06/2020 19:05

He has shown me, but he has also got annoyed when I have tried to look because i guess it shows lack of trust. (for instance whilst he was giggling/texting. ).

Msmcc1212 · 23/06/2020 19:07

I don’t think there is enough information to be labelling him as a ‘baddun’ and suggesting you leave him OP. I think it needs talking about for sure as he isn’t willing to set your mind at rest. Have you asked him outright about the nature of the relationship? I think I’d be feeling you are too but what you’ve written isn’t enough to condemn him as a man and your marriage. Flowers

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 19:09

*There's a whole spectrum between "not friends" and "completely equal friends with both halves of a couple". The fact that this woman has a closer friendship with the OP's husband doesn't mean she isn't friends with OP at all. It just means she is better friends with the husband. Which is perfectly fine.

At least I’m not the only one that gets it. I didn’t know it was friends or not friends only like some posters think Wink

Roselilly36 · 23/06/2020 19:10

Affair in plain sight was my first thought too.

MashedSpud · 23/06/2020 19:11

If my DH wanted to see any messages I wouldn’t have a problem showing him if it made him understand nothing is going on. We are both open with our phones anyway.

It sounds dodgy he won’t show the messages.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 23/06/2020 19:13

I wouldn't assume they are having a affair. One of my closest friends is male and he and l text regularly. I wouldn't expect my DH to read them just because they are from him, but l wouldn't expect him to read any from my female friends either. And l know my friend would always say to his girlfriend l am his best mate - doesn't mean we are shagging each other!! Been mates since we were 15 and over that time been through a lot together. He is a prick sometimes and l tell him so too but men and women can be friends.