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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset I feel like I have been made to look like an idiot

164 replies

Indigodizzy · 23/06/2020 16:29

I feel so upset and really stupid but don't know if I'm overreacting. Sad

Just had a huge argument with DH because a woman has been texting him again. This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all ConfusedSad

This woman has a habit of texting DH. DH says that it's just quick snippets of information, nothing long, but he refuses to show me the messages, even though he knows how upset I am about it. He said he wouldn't show me messages from anyone, not just her.

I feel so hurt and used. To he honest I feel like I've been made a fool of by both of them. DH has pushed me into being friends with her, I've invited her on days out, looked after her children having her so much in childcare over the years.

But then whenever there's something happening or she wants to know something, she will always message DH. It's honestly not jealousy, it's just more a case of why would she do that?

I've told DH that's fine if he doesn't want to show me the messages but to have some self-respect, I won't be having anything to do with her anymore. No more being overly kind, offering her my children's old stuff, childcare, nothing.

Am I over-reacting? I just feel so sad and mad at both of them Sad

OP posts:
tensmum1964 · 23/06/2020 17:38

Agree with others. They are both making a fool of you. Why would you choose to be with someone that treated you that way? Get rid of him he obviously doesn't have any respect or care for you.

PennyNotSoWise · 23/06/2020 17:43

To be honest, if my DP knew I felt this way, he'd be tripping over himself to show me there was nothing to worry about.

The defensive 'I won't show you the messages, nor would I if they were from anyone else' would be ringing serious alarm bells for me.

I know everyone is entitled to their privacy, but if he knows it's making you uncomfortable, why can't he just show you?

Whingeingpom · 23/06/2020 17:46

If my dp refused to put my mind at rest in this situation it would be a deal breaker for me. This is because I have never been in this situation, I have never asked him to see any of his texts and I've never had a problem with him having female friends.

If, on the other hand, I had a long term Male friend that dp was now claiming as his friend, demanding I stop speaking to him and wanting to monitor my messages, this would also be a deal breaker.

You need to think very carefully about which of these scenarios you might be in, it's impossible for a stranger to tell.

IWantT0BreakFree · 23/06/2020 17:50

I think everyone has just read your OP and leapt to an awful lot of conclusions.

It sort of reminds me of a friendship I have. Although as far as I know there is no drama and everyone is happy. I have a very old school friend who is now married to a lovely woman who I get on well with and we obviously hang out because we are all part of the same group. However my primary relationship is with the bloke and if the two of them divorced, I probably would never see her again. If I want to contact "them" I would text him. Or I read something I though might interest him, I'd text him a link. Or a funny meme. Or just a "how are you?". That's normal and fine. Same for all the other friends (male and female) who are part of our school group and their partners. I would have thought lots of people could relate to this, so I'm surprised at all the outrage.

Does this friend even know there's an issue? She may well be extremely surprised and hurt to hear that you view her as a threat and not a friend, even if she is closer to your DH. Unless there is more to it and either/both of them have form for bad behaviour.

As for him not showing you his phone, people are allowed privacy in a relationship. If my husband was accusing me of behaving inappropriately with a friend, without any cause or reason to doubt me, would I fuck be caving in to controlling demands to see my phone.

Basically, it all depends on whether you have genuine reason to be suspicious or whether you are just jealous/insecure.

Lovingtheglitter · 23/06/2020 17:51

If he is her friend and not you - then surely he should be looking after her children and not you!! I'd not be looking after her children any more!

pigeon999 · 23/06/2020 17:53

I would have a problem with this, and I would be issuing an ultimatum. The messages and communication stops or he is out. Pure and simple. As for her, drop her now. She is using you to get to him.

This is not normal by any stretch, and if she should be texting anyone, it should always be you. Get rid.

araiwa · 23/06/2020 17:53

If you demanded to read my texts, you could pack your suitcases yourself and do one

pigeon999 · 23/06/2020 17:55

I would also insist then and then to read all of the messages (before he can delete them) You are both married, and should be sharing stuff. My dh can pick up my phone anytime, and vica versa. We have nothing to hide. So there should be no issues with ANY messages either of you have coming through.

You are being played by both I fear op.

JavaQ · 23/06/2020 17:56

I think he is cheating on you, with her.

get counselling, together. See how that goes. Then plan accordingly.

Chewy85 · 23/06/2020 17:56

I’m kind of baffled by the people saying it’s not normal that the woman texts the DP not the OP. I have a male friend who’s wife I also get on with, but would always text him. Why should we only communicate with other women?!

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 17:57

So were they friends first? And then he pushed you to be friends with her?

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 17:59

DH has pushed me into being friends with her

Makes it sound like he was friends with her first and then wanted you to be ? But really it’s DH friend?

Is he not allowed female friends ? Do you know if she actually said you and her are not friends or is your DH being a twat?

category12 · 23/06/2020 18:01

This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all

In which case, perfectly reasonable to withdraw entirely from her and not help her out any more.

I'd be concerned that there's far more to it - some guys do get off on dangling the mistress under the wife's nose and yukking it up about her ignorance.

IWantT0BreakFree · 23/06/2020 18:01

All those saying it would be a deal-breaker if your (otherwise very open and honest - we assume) partner would not let you go through their phone, how would you feel to be asked this? Because I'd be insulted, offended, deeply hurt. I would wonder what the whole relationship was about if there was zero trust and it might well be a deal-breaker for me that my husband thought so little of me without me giving any reason for him to doubt me.

Unless there's a drip feed coming like DH has had an affair before/sexted this woman in the past/they have form for flirting etc.

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 18:05

however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all

But did she actually say this or did her DH just say it to be a twat while having a row...

category12 · 23/06/2020 18:08

But did she actually say this or did her DH just say it to be a twat while having a row...

Given "the friend" never contacts OP herself, I would say it's correct. If you considered both equally friends, you wouldn't just and only contact one.

morethanafortnight · 23/06/2020 18:08

Do you know if she actually said you and her are not friends or is your DH being a twat?

The OP says that her DH has told her that she and this other woman are not friends. Presumably as in: she's not your friend, she's mine.
So why doesn't he want his wife and his female 'friend' to be friends with each other? Especially since he previously encouraged it.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 23/06/2020 18:09

Its fine for men to be friends with women. However, in the case that I was friends with another man and my (theoretical) husband was often doing said male friend favours because he considered him a friend and then the male friend made it clear to me that actually he didnt consider my husband his friend at all (but was happy for him to continue helping him out) Id be seriously pissed of. The fact the OPs hisband isnt suggests his loyalties are in completely the wrong place.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 23/06/2020 18:10

Why has he made a point of telling you that she's not your friend?

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 18:11

Given "the friend" never contacts OP herself, I would say it's correct. If you considered both equally friends, you wouldn't just and only contact one

It depends if she was friends with the DH first and then he tried to get them to be friends ... if she was friends with the DH first then she would naturally message him to ask questions etc

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 18:13

So why doesn't he want his wife and his female 'friend' to be friends with each other? Especially since he previously encouraged it

I’m guessing mid row? Just had an argument so maybe he said something to try and be nasty or in the heat of the moment.

Bettysnow · 23/06/2020 18:16

As previous posters have said he should have automatically showed you the messages to put your mind at rest. Now either he isn't bothered that by withholding them he is allowing you to suffer or hes hiding them because of the content!
You need to stand up for yourself and don't let him make a fool of you!
This is all about respect and hes respecting both his and her privacy (if the messages are innocent) above your marriage!
Read up on gaslighting! Don't accept poor treatment from anyone least of all from someone who is supposed to love you.
Absolute cheek of him is astonishing!
Hope your ok none of this is acceptable!

category12 · 23/06/2020 18:17

It depends if she was friends with the DH first and then he tried to get them to be friends ... if she was friends with the DH first then she would naturally message him to ask questions etc

Nah, it's not a mutual friendship if you never contact the person directly or engage with them separately. It's a "friendship" by proxy - purely in existence because of the DH.

BluebellForest836 · 23/06/2020 18:19

Nah, it's not a mutual friendship if you never contact the person directly or engage with them separately. It's a "friendship" by proxy - purely in existence because of the DH

Exactly, which is why she would message the DH instead of the OP.

Hanab · 23/06/2020 18:20

If you have a gut feeling it is usually right..
since he is not showing you the messages it is fuelling this doubt ...

Lastly if she is only his friend please ask him to do childcare for her 🤷🏻‍♀️ Or you get paid for such a service