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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset I feel like I have been made to look like an idiot

164 replies

Indigodizzy · 23/06/2020 16:29

I feel so upset and really stupid but don't know if I'm overreacting. Sad

Just had a huge argument with DH because a woman has been texting him again. This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all ConfusedSad

This woman has a habit of texting DH. DH says that it's just quick snippets of information, nothing long, but he refuses to show me the messages, even though he knows how upset I am about it. He said he wouldn't show me messages from anyone, not just her.

I feel so hurt and used. To he honest I feel like I've been made a fool of by both of them. DH has pushed me into being friends with her, I've invited her on days out, looked after her children having her so much in childcare over the years.

But then whenever there's something happening or she wants to know something, she will always message DH. It's honestly not jealousy, it's just more a case of why would she do that?

I've told DH that's fine if he doesn't want to show me the messages but to have some self-respect, I won't be having anything to do with her anymore. No more being overly kind, offering her my children's old stuff, childcare, nothing.

Am I over-reacting? I just feel so sad and mad at both of them Sad

OP posts:
Pikachubaby · 23/06/2020 16:54

In your scenario, DH would show me the messages, as it’s an easy way to show his innocence

SophieB100 · 23/06/2020 16:54

They're both treating you like dirt OP.
Don't put up with it, find your self respect.

june2007 · 23/06/2020 16:56

Sp do you have friends who text you? Do you show him the texts. There is a friend that is mostly my husbands, I have met her talked to her and would willingly look after her children, but she is my husbands friend really and so I don,t feel i have to look at his texts.

Raella50 · 23/06/2020 17:00

If I wanted to see my husband’s messages to another woman and he refused to show me, I would be LIVID!!!! That being said, I never check his phone or demand to see messages so if I did want to there would be a very good reason. If my husband wouldn’t show me something that was causing me enough stress to have to demand to see them in the first place - I would be packing him off to his mother’s house until he showed me. I don’t do secrecy I’m afraid, not if we’re going to have a marriage based on trust and honesty. I think that wouldn’t work though if you’re the sort who doesn’t trust him and demands to see every message to another adult female, that would just be controlling. There’s a balance to be found around what you’re both comfortable with. It sounds as though your husband is being an idiot in this case.

Isthisfinallyit · 23/06/2020 17:07

They're clearly having an affair.

Halestorm · 23/06/2020 17:08

Pack his bag and leave it on the door step.
I respect my partner's privacy but if he was messaging someone and I felt uncomfortable he would immediately hand me his phone there and then to show me nothing untoward was going on.

If he values his privacy more than the marriage and the happiness of his wife, then it's time to show him the door.

Isthisfinallyit · 23/06/2020 17:09

If he values his privacy more than the marriage and the happiness of his wife, then it's time to show him the door.

Indeed. There is no privacy when the relationship is at stake, providing you are not an overhealous snoop.

bodgeitandscarper · 23/06/2020 17:10

I think I'd be giving your OH an ultimatum, he either cuts down his contact with this 'friend' or he loses you.

He shouldn't hesitate to ask his friend to stop texting so much when he knows you don't like it.

He is taking you for a fool and he needs to sort out where his priorities lie.

GabriellaMontez · 23/06/2020 17:10

So what is you relationship with her?
Other than doing her favours.

Do you chat? Does she do stuff for you? Go out?

BiBabbles · 23/06/2020 17:11

YANBU to feel upset. I find it very odd that your DH 'informed you' that this person isn't your friend at all. I'd wonder why the hell he felt the need to do that and what brought that on.

To me it does feel like he either knows something about how she sees you that you don't or he's being an ass and driving a wedge between you two for some reason. There are probably other possibilities, but none that I can think are good - mostly just dragging you down.

diddl · 23/06/2020 17:17

So if she's not your friend, why wouldn't your husband dissuade you from doing stuff for her?Hmm

PixelatedLunchbox · 23/06/2020 17:18

OVER reacting? I think you are under reacting.
I would kick his ass to the kerb.
UNACCEPTABLE.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/06/2020 17:19

Ok, so he's either planning to cheat, or he's an immature spiteful person who enjoys making you feel a fool.

He doesn't have your back, either way.

Start thinking seriously about whether this is a good relationship to be in.

And make sure you're financially in control.

dottiedodah · 23/06/2020 17:20

TBH DH and her are either having an affair or thinking about it! Your relationship with him doesnt sound so good when he is saying stuff like this! Maybe time to call him out ,she goes or you do !

Takingontheworld · 23/06/2020 17:23

Fucking hell. So many red flags.

Grow a pair OP. They're at it right under your nose. The disrespect is breathtaking.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2020 17:25

I'd be suspicious tbh it is very odd.

1ForAllnAllFor1 · 23/06/2020 17:26

You have to trust your instincts on this one and clarify the boundaries.

He is in the wrong here. Maybe malicious or maybe just being an idiot. Who knows

AryaStarkWolf · 23/06/2020 17:26

He's behaving really shady, either something is going with them or there isn't but he likes seeing you jealous. neither is good

Billben · 23/06/2020 17:28

I’m sorry, but if that was my DH in this instance and he refused to show me the messages, his bags would be packed I’m afraid. That’s a big red flag for me. If he’s got nothing to hide then this friend must really be that important to him that he doesn’t care enough about your feelings.
You are being taken for a mug by both of them.

lowlandLucky · 23/06/2020 17:29

Take it from me the are taking the P out of you, if your Husband wont show the messages to put your mind at rest its because he knows he is up to no good and his loyalty lies with her not you. Sorry but i think you will find out at some point they are more than friends.

Lordamighty · 23/06/2020 17:29

You are under reacting & they are making a fool of you . Time to put a stop to it.

Chaaaaaching · 23/06/2020 17:33

They are definitely having an affair. If my DH did that I would be absolutely furious! Why isn’t he trying to reassure you if it’s so innocent? You need to think about this properly, is an affair a red card to you? I would never be able to look past this. She’s a snake but he’s the one who should be loyal to you. Do not get angry at her, get angry at him.

morethanafortnight · 23/06/2020 17:34

Oh dear. It's not looking good OP, I'm really sorry. Flowers

FelicityPike · 23/06/2020 17:36

@Lordamighty

You are under reacting & they are making a fool of you . Time to put a stop to it.
Absolutely. I’m sorry but I think you need to start making preparations to end your marriage.
MadameMeursault · 23/06/2020 17:37

Dunno really I think this is a difficult one. I have a really close male friend and we message each other most days. I don’t know if I’d be happy if DH wanted to look at the messages, but I just can’t really imagine him wanting to look. We occasionally socialise in a group with each others’ OHs and some others (neither of us gel with his DW that much) but he is definitely my friend not DH’s.

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