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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset I feel like I have been made to look like an idiot

164 replies

Indigodizzy · 23/06/2020 16:29

I feel so upset and really stupid but don't know if I'm overreacting. Sad

Just had a huge argument with DH because a woman has been texting him again. This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all ConfusedSad

This woman has a habit of texting DH. DH says that it's just quick snippets of information, nothing long, but he refuses to show me the messages, even though he knows how upset I am about it. He said he wouldn't show me messages from anyone, not just her.

I feel so hurt and used. To he honest I feel like I've been made a fool of by both of them. DH has pushed me into being friends with her, I've invited her on days out, looked after her children having her so much in childcare over the years.

But then whenever there's something happening or she wants to know something, she will always message DH. It's honestly not jealousy, it's just more a case of why would she do that?

I've told DH that's fine if he doesn't want to show me the messages but to have some self-respect, I won't be having anything to do with her anymore. No more being overly kind, offering her my children's old stuff, childcare, nothing.

Am I over-reacting? I just feel so sad and mad at both of them Sad

OP posts:
Winnerella · 24/06/2020 08:14

Affair in plain sight + gaslighting

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 24/06/2020 08:22

I have a good male friend, I now also know and like his wife and have for several years, if I wasn't to all them something or invite them somewhere I text him, he was my friend first we have a long standing relationship and I only know her because of him. I would meet with him alone for coffee but not her, not because I don't like her but because she's my friend by proximity target than anything else. DH doesn't ask to read my messages from anyone. We're definitely not having an affair.

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 24/06/2020 08:23

If DH demanded to see my phone, it would cause major problems, it's mine, it's private and if he doesn't trust me he knows where the door is. I'd be livid he'd even make the accusation

Original poster
Indigodizzy · 24/06/2020 11:27

Thanks everyone. I think the point of all this is I feel a bit used. Like I am a good enough friend to ask for favours (and big ones at that) but she would never message me otherwise. Yet, apparently her and DH are always having these little conversations Hmm

Her and DH are not old friends, maybe 18 months at most, and maybe used to see each other for 10 minutes a day at the most. I have probably in reality spent more time with her when doing things with the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigodizzy · 24/06/2020 11:31

I told DH that I actually didn't want to see the messages. He could keep them private. However, he needs to understand that I need to have some self-respect and won't be getting involved with their family anymore. I won't be doing anymore favours for her or messaging anymore whilst she is messaging him.

I can't for one minute believe that someone is that naive to believe that that would even be ok.

So she has shot herself in the foot really, hasn't she Hmm

OP posts:
category12 · 24/06/2020 11:33

All this and she's a friend of 18 months?!

I think you should be a bit more suspicious here.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/06/2020 11:36

@Indigodizzy By your updates it really sounds like you're putting all the blame on this woman......your DH is the one who owes you respect and loyalty but you're only going "punish" her?

Original poster
Indigodizzy · 24/06/2020 11:37

I should add to all that, that I do believe DH. However, she quite obviously likes male attention, even DH said he thought she was low in self-confidence and was attention seeking Hmm

I've always said he needs to he careful with people like that but he just brushes it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigodizzy · 24/06/2020 11:38

@AryaStarkWolf Not at all, but now I've cut ties, DH no longer has an excuse to see them at all.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/06/2020 11:40

I should add to all that, that I do believe DH. However, she quite obviously likes male attention, even DH said he thought she was low in self-confidence and was attention seeking hmm

I've always said he needs to he careful with people like that but he just brushes it off

No responsibility on your husbands part then, just that "wanton hussy"? (second time I've said that today on here, oy vey.

intheningnangnong · 24/06/2020 11:44

OP a friend of 18 months? Really, I’d be calling time on this.

wineandroses1 · 24/06/2020 11:48

There is clearly something amiss here. Your DH is being secretive about his relationship with this woman by refusing to talk to you about the frequent messaging, which is making you feel uneasy. You've been roped in to doing massive favours for her (why you, why not your DH?) but apparently "she is not your friend". WTF?

He knows you are worried and unhappy and is deliberately making you feel more so. Why wouldn't he be trying to reassure you instead? He sounds like a spiteful twat, who is either chasing this woman or gets some enjoyment from making you feeling upset.

If my DH asked to see my phone, I'd show him. Because I love him and wouldn't want him to feel like you do.

If I were you, I would be reassessing my relationship. Your DH is supposed to be kind and considerate. But he's not, is he?

TheTrollFairy · 24/06/2020 11:48

If I felt uncomfortable with a friendship between my DP and anyone (regardless of male or female) then he would show me his phone.
I agree that relationships do still need their own privacy but in situations like this it seems funny to put the privacy above piece of mind of your partner

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/06/2020 11:49

You do indeed need to have some self respect!

I don't read DHs messages to his female friends and colleagues, mainly because there is no secrecy, no hint of uncomfortableness in those transactions. But if there were I would expect him to be able to see that his behaviour had touched a nerve and to reassure me, and yes, show me the messages.

That your DH is protecting his privacy (and it is HIS privacy he is protecting, no matter what those messages do ro do not say) over your feelings of hurt should be shouting at you! He is not acting in an honourable or loving manner. You don't have to accept that!

Original poster
Indigodizzy · 24/06/2020 11:54

Part of me wishes I could say something to her...not picking a fight...but just something subtle to let her know I know she is always messaging DH. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigodizzy · 24/06/2020 11:58

And also question what/why she is sending things that need to be secret?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/06/2020 12:01

Why are you questioning her though, it's your husband how needs to answer to you. He's said that she's attention seeking that implies that she's probably at best flirting with him so why isn't he doing something about it and taking responsibility for his marriage, why is all your focus on how inappropriate she's being? He's being more inappropriate by replying to her and hiding those messages from you.

Anyway, think I'm banging my head off brick wall here

tensmum1964 · 24/06/2020 12:02

Sadly its not her that you need to "say something to" If your DH had any respect for you he wouldnt maintain contact with her and certainly wouldnt keep the messages secret. Sadly OP you are transferring all of this on to her and ignoring the way your DH is treating you. He sounds cruel and disrespectful and likely to continue to behave this way as you are allowing him to.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/06/2020 12:10

And also question what/why she is sending things that need to be secret? Question who? It is your DH who is keeping it secret from you!

Astella22 · 24/06/2020 12:12

Oh dear it really doesn’t sound good, ur DH is such good friends with her yet has no issue putting her down. What does he have in common with her that makes them such good ‘friends’ after only 18mths?? It all sounds very concerning.

MilerVino · 24/06/2020 12:27

OP I agree with Arya and other PP who are saying it's your DH you need to question, not her. Bluntly, she owes you nothing. Your DH is the one who made vows of loyalty and fidelity to you. If he respects and loves you he should consider your feelings. She won't care one way or the other.

Chewy85 · 24/06/2020 12:29

She’s done nothing wrong! You’re speculating a lot here that she’s secretive regarding messaging your DH and has any interest in him as more than friends.

It’s your DH who (if she is pursuing him) is in the wrong here!

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2020 12:46

I feel like I'm being used while they're giggling behind my back or at least that's what it feels like
Yep, this is exactly what is happening.
I'm glad you've put a stop to being used!!!
Make sure you NEVER do anything for her again - EVER.
Please stick to that.
Your DH sounds like a complete cunt though.
Why are you with him?
Does he have any good points?

june2007 · 24/06/2020 12:50

Here is an idea, masg the women ask how she is and build on the friend ship.

Devlesko · 24/06/2020 12:52

They are having an affair and using you my love.
Or they are about to.
Under the circumstances I'd tell him to cut ties with her or you, then you'll have your answer.