To be upset I feel like I have been made to look like an idiot

[Indigodizzy]

I feel so upset and really stupid but don't know if I'm overreacting.

Just had a huge argument with DH because a woman has been texting him again. This is a supposedly joint friend, however DH has just informed me that she is actually not my friend at all

This woman has a habit of texting DH. DH says that it's just quick snippets of information, nothing long, but he refuses to show me the messages, even though he knows how upset I am about it. He said he wouldn't show me messages from anyone, not just her.

I feel so hurt and used. To he honest I feel like I've been made a fool of by both of them. DH has pushed me into being friends with her, I've invited her on days out, looked after her children having her so much in childcare over the years.

But then whenever there's something happening or she wants to know something, she will always message DH. It's honestly not jealousy, it's just more a case of why would she do that?

I've told DH that's fine if he doesn't want to show me the messages but to have some self-respect, I won't be having anything to do with her anymore. No more being overly kind, offering her my children's old stuff, childcare, nothing.

Am I over-reacting? I just feel so sad and mad at both of them

Whatever is going on, it’s not right that another woman is txting your dh & him telling you she’s not your friend.

OK, maybe you have a point. But for me, it depends whether there's any reciprocity or whether it's all the OP making effort and doing favours etc, and whether they can continue to have a laugh if her DH leaves the room or if it goes silent.

Why would he tell you that this woman isn’t your friend - Does he normally make nasty comments to you ?
Even if it’s true - why so bluntly point it out ?

I agree that you are under reacting... He is prioritising Her over You.... he's protecting their conversations over his marriage .... I'd booting his smug arse over to her threshold... and let them get on with it OP.. it's not about 'knowing' it's about Respect.. and he has none for YOU... but 100% for her... not good

He is being a shit. Why wind you up like that? Massively unkind and manipulative

Why is he messaging another woman especially if it is clearly upsetting you if he has a thread of decency he would block her , personally I would be mega pissed off,

Your playing it wrong. Next time you meet her tell her about all the awesome sex your having with your husband. Tell her how happy you are.

She wants you to get out of the picture. Instead suffocate her with your presence. Make her jealous. Green with envy. But play it right. Give extra attention to the husband too. Date nights whatever. Don't do anything for the this other woman. Like the other poster said she sounds like she's after your man.

Ugh

Sounds like he enjoys making you feel uncomfortable, knows he can push your boundaries and has no respect for you.

He's being a dick.

Why has he told you she isn’t really your friend?

That seems very cruel.

My mind boggles at couples together for years, with kids, who don’t share things like finances or phone access.

If my phone isn’t to hand, I use DH’s! There is no ‘it’s private’ in our house...because we have nothing to hide. There’s nothing either of us can’t see. He even set his phone to recognise my thumb print too.

@Isthisfinallyit

They're clearly having an affair.

Come on. How do you deduce that? Surely he wouldnt let on about the texts at all then, unless he wants her to start divorcing him

@faithfulbird

Your playing it wrong. Next time you meet her tell her about all the awesome sex your having with your husband. Tell her how happy you are.

She wants you to get out of the picture. Instead suffocate her with your presence. Make her jealous. Green with envy. But play it right. Give extra attention to the husband too. Date nights whatever. Don't do anything for the this other woman. Like the other poster said she sounds like she's after your man.

Maybe she doesnt even care enough to

My mind boggles at couples that have to share everything like it’s the way it’s meant to be 🤷🏼‍♀️ But everyone’s different.

Next time she wants childcare, refuse. After all shes not your friend. He is her friend. He can do the childcare.

Cheeky fuckers both of them

Is she your friend when she wants you to look after her DC, or do something for her?

Are you ok OP?

I would assume they are having an affair OP, definitely emotional but poaasibly physical. You have not been made to look like an idiot. You are not an idiot. I say this, not as a manhating paranoid person, but because I have seen a lot of stuff, and people often do have affairs in plain sight like this...it is actually easier than trying to have one in total secrecy, and always having to lie about your whereabouts. I would consider what to do next carefully, but COMPLETELY ignore him if he tries to suggest you are jealous, or that this is acceptable. It isn't.

I think they're having an affair. Let her fiery up to you so it takes off the scent. They're playing mind games and it's sick.

That should have said cosey

Cozy ffs

OP,

Some on here are a bit hasty jumping to affair. Was your OH just explaining that she was his friend first & not your friend first as the reason she texts him? Or is he telling you that she has said she is not your friend as in that she has said she doesn't like you...or along those lines, doesn't want to be your friend?

Also...maybe he is just cross that you doubt him hence not wanting to show you the text. I would be very annoyed to be doubted like that & would likely dig my heels in about having 'to prove' I am trustworthy by showing texts. It wouldn't necessarily be about the one text you wanted to see because you felt uncomfortable. I would be very uncomfortable to be accused (indirectly) of being up to something behind OH"s back. What about next time you are 'uncomfortable'... do I have to do the next thing you are asking just to prove myself again. It is the start of some control, some acceptance that this doubt is ok. I wouldn't like it. I don't hide my phone, if someone sent me a funny text I would show it by way of sharing so I don't hide messages ...but if OH was being jealous & suggesting I was up to something, I'd probably think I'm not starting down this road of showing texts on demand. You haven't said she acts oddly around you or makes you feel uncomfortable when she is around your OH. I don't know how she is taking you for a fool with a bit of babysitting just because she texts your OH? Although I would be cross if she texts him about childminding but it is you in fact who does it. In that circumstance I would be saying if he is agreeing childcare then he'll be actually doing the childcare himself otherwise she should be asking/texting you directly.

This is about trust, either you do or you don't. If you don't then your relationship is already damaged. If you think there is an affair here... what is that based on? If you do, just say it straight out .... otherwise you are watching & waiting & all the while distrusting & becoming miserable... that won't help your marriage either.

What I don't understand OP, and I am willing to concede that I may be being very dense here, but why does your husband tell you about her texting him at all if he is not willing to say what about? Does he just like winding you up? I don't expect my DH to tell me about every text he gets, but if he does it is because he thinks I will be interested in what they are saying. I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

Good God some people just love to come on to these relationships and insist that the husband is definitely having an affair so they can then demand the OP leaves her marriage.

The husband and this woman are friends. Big deal. Men and women are allowed to be friends and are, shock horror, even allowed to text one another without showing everything they say to their partners.

And for the people who say that you would willingly hand over your phone, would you really? Say in the context that the husband demanded to see it because he is accusing you of having an affair? I think a lot less people would willingly hand over their phones when faced with that kind of accusation, because either the partner trusts you or they don’t, if you’re not having an affair then it’s not up to you to prove it if they don’t believe you.

Oh if I was put in the position of being accused of having an affair I'd happily hand over my phone to prove my innocence, and then make my partners life hell for their lack of trust!

Regardless of whether he is having an affair or not, he is being disrespectful by disregarding how the OP feels; she may well have jealousy/trust issues, but babysitting for the friend is way ott if she isn't really a friend of hers anyway.
Knowing that a friendship was upsetting my partner would make me cut back contact and re-evaluate my friendship if my partner meant enough to me.