Not welcome in sister house

[mamascorpio]

I rang my sister today and she has informed me that I am no longer welcome in her home.

My BIL fell out with me in Feb this year after they went through a separation.

I spoke to their Eldest daughter during the separation and advised that if either mum or Dad tried to talk to them about what was going on just to say it was none of her business. Both of them were using eldest daughter 13 as a means of communicating what had gone wrong.

Bil lost it when the eldest daughter told him what I had said. He hasn't spoken to me since, has actively ignored me when I have walked past to go into the house etc.

They reconciled after a few weeks, then Bil decided that I needed to apologise for what I said to Eldest daughter and also for the fact that years before I had mentioned that 1 in 5 children are not the biological child of their father. bIL developed complete paranoia over this and decided that I was trying to tell him that one of his children isn't his. Nonsense.

Further he is also angry apparently that i wasn't happy when my sister and he reconciled.

They had an argument after a night out, he was verbally abusing to my sister, she and 4 of the children came and stayed in my house overnight then he left the house a few days later.

So he had been ignoring me for months, I have simply not paid any attention to the issue although it was annoying on the basis that he was being unreasonable.

So now after I was at their house yesterday he has decided and is supported by my sister that I'm not welcome.

I'm devastated, I live alone with my DS and my sitter is the closest person to me.

Her children all adore my son, and her youngest son stays here and they visit me once per week at least. I visit them also at least once a week.

My sister also looked after my son while I worked, albeit he is going elsewhere at the minute due to covid.

I can't believe my sister would say that to me. I know BIL is well capable of this. He has already fallen out with one of my other siblings. He didn't speak to one of his own for almost 20 years and didn't speak to his father for longer.

I'm so hurt.

Am I being unreasonable to not apologise when I didn't do anything wrong imo.

Or should I have just apologised?

YANBU. Sounds like he's isolating her. I wouldn't bow to his will.
Just tell your sister that you do not want contact with him. But make sure you work to maintain the relationship with your sister and the children.

I couldn’t apologise. He’s an arse and your sister will hopefully realise in time. Tell her you’re there for her when she wakes up.

Tell your sister the door is open, when she wants to make contact.

She is being abused by the sounds of it and this is one more tactic to cut off her escape routes.

So, their eldest daughter is 13. And that she is 1 of 5 siblings. You say that years before you had mentioned to her that 1 in 5 children are not biologically their fathers. So, can we assume she was under 10 when you said this to her? Why on earth would you think that an appropriate thing to say to a child? Especially a child that is 1 of 5 siblings! And when you don’t like their father.

Your BIL may be justified in not wanting you in his home.

I don't think you've read that right....
OP said the 1 in 5 thing to BiL
She told her Niece to tell her parents not to drag her into their arguments.

Ah, @AskingforaBaskin I see what you mean.

If you said the 1 in 5 thing to your BIL then I take back my last post.

I agree that you need to try and maintain the relationship with your sister and her children.

Yes I had the conversation about 1 in 5 with BIL. I can't recall the conversation it was in a context but I definitely wasn't trying to tell my BIL that one of his children isn't his. It has just become a stick for him to beat my sister with.

He is very controlling of my sister, at my hen do years ago he went mad because she didn't ring until we arrived back at the house at 2.am. Lost it when she stayed overnight at her friends 40 at a hotel all prearranged because she didn't ring at a certain time etc.

She just doesn't have a life outside of their home. Doesn't go out anymore etc because it's not worth the aggro. He always insisted that my sister had to have my mum, who lives 100 miles away there to help him with the children if my sister went out etc etc.

Don’t take it to heart. He’s controlling her. Give them time and try and sort it out after your sister has had time to miss your presence.

I'm devastated that she would do this. I can't see how I maintain a relationship with them, everyone goes to my sisters house it where we all go.

She’s not though. It’s HIM using her as a puppet.
Do you have any mutual friends who could chat to her without him there?

It does sound like he is controlling her.

He is unreasonable. You are not going to be able able to argue with him and win. If you want a relationship with your sister you are going to have to just grit your teeth, smile and apologise

Its not her, its him. He is a controlling arse. I really feel for you, OP, this is heartbreaking.

Please just make it clear to her that you will always be there for her and the kids. And bear in mind that he will probably be reading the messages so please hold back on mentioning him, you don't want to give him more ammunition.

I can't see how I maintain a relationship with them, everyone goes to my sisters house it where we all go

So, you and your son have pretty much been excluded from family events?

Have you spoke to your other family members about this? What do they say?

I would grit my teeth and apologise as above all I would want to stay in touch with my sister and DNS

Agree with everyone else, she is being controlled. Just be there for your sister if she needs you, she will one day.
"I spoke to their Eldest daughter during the separation and advised that if either mum or Dad tried to talk to them about what was going on just to say it was none of her business. Both of them were using eldest daughter 13 as a means of communicating what had gone wrong."
He had a point about his daughter though, even though you meant it for her benefit, if anyone outside my home said what you did I would have been livid.

I think either apologise or accept it op.

I’m sure you weren’t insinuating anything but when you start telling a bloke with five kids that one in five kids isn’t biologically the known fathers you can see how it would be perceived as a dig.

And I’m not sure why you told the oldest daughter to tell her parents it was none of her business, I can see why they would be pissed about that, if you had issues you should have soothed the child and spoken to your sister about your or her concerns. Advocated for her,

Either way it is what it is and you’re out. So either accept or apologise.

He's obviously a controlling, abusive twat, but:

I had mentioned that 1 in 5 children are not the biological child of their father.

I find this a really strange thing to say, especially to a controlling man. Lots of men I know, this would plant enough of a seed that, as you say happened, they will use it as a stick to beat their partners with.

I say this as someone who mentioned AdultWork in passing to a boyfriend and that women used it to do 'easy' cam work from home. Totally innocent conversation but from that moment on I was constantly accused of being a prostitute, just for being aware a website exists. Sometimes it was sly 'jokes', others it was nasty accusations. Some men just hate women and will use any excuse to hate them more. WHY would you say this to him!?!?

Who goes to her house?
I would reach out to them is it mum, dad GP siblings etc and say that you are banned by her husband and would they like to come to your house instead. And then invite her family....including him. Give him enough rope make the others see what he's like.

YANBU. Sounds like he's isolating her. I wouldn't bow to his will

This ^

He's dangerous. Neither of them should have been involving their DD in their arguments, and you were right to tell her not to carry messages. It puts that poor child in an awful position.

Sadly it seems that next time he bullies your DS, she will have no-one to support her - be aware that she may need you, despite her pushing you away at this time.

@Bluntness100

I think either apologise or accept it op.

I’m sure you weren’t insinuating anything but when you start telling a bloke with five kids that one in five kids isn’t biologically the known fathers you can see how it would be perceived as a dig.

And I’m not sure why you told the oldest daughter to tell her parents it was none of her business, I can see why they would be pissed about that, if you had issues you should have soothed the child and spoken to your sister about your or her concerns. Advocated for her,

Either way it is what it is and you’re out. So either accept or apologise.

This

Don’t apologise, it's his way of starting to control you as well as your sister, do it once and you will be expected to do it all the time.

He is controlling your sister, but until she realises and is prepared to leave there is not a lot you can do other than make her aware you will always be there for her and the kids

The kids aren’t stupid either, they will see what’s going on

If things are as bad as they sound don't just leave her to it, simply say to her that you will be there for her if/when she needs anything, don't say anything bad about your BIL because this will just push her to him more, she need's to see things herself first before she will believe you unfortunately, maybe try to talk to her when he isn't around and just say your upset/concerned about her but don't say anything bad about BIL

Yanbu to not apologise.
He's got the whole family dancing to his tune.

Your choice if you join in or not.

Glad you were their for your niece and nephews, they'll thank you when they're older.

Your sister is an adult so I would leave her to it but I would definitely be inclined to remind niece and nephews that the door is always open if they need you.

I think either apologise or accept it op
This.
Even if you are right, even if you don’t mean it, surely it’s worth doing to maintain the relationship with your Dsis and DN?

Well, I suppose this looks like part and parcel of your reconciliation. Unless I've misread, he's not blocking contact, just you going to their house. He looks awful but I suppose it's his home and your sister presumably agreed when they reconciled. If she is your best friend then I'd try and see her and her children away from their home. I'm not agreeing he's right but it looks like it is what it is.

Not that you've asked for advice but it looks like you are understandably being firm with your sister's partner. Understandable given what you've said but in my experience, this then leads to friction when other people are equally firm back. I'm not saying you shouldn't support your sister but equally you might want to think about getting upset at the consequences of your decisions.

When you say, 'I'm devastated she would do this', what do you want her to do, to have your interests and preferences determine how she runs her relationship with her current DP? I hope you keep a healthy relationship with your sister, especially given the possibility or likelihood they'll break up again.