Who should get the room?

[newhousenewrooms]

I've been lucky enough to inherit a house without having to lose any family members! Me and my partner are moving in soon with our 2 year old daughter and his two children age 8 and 9 will be staying 3 nights a week.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

It's a 3 bedroom house, 2 decent size rooms and a box room. I think that our DD should have one of the decent size rooms as she is there 7 nights a week. DP thinks his children should have the bigger room because there is two of them.

We haven't argued about it as such, he owns his own house but rents it out and it is making me feel like the green eyed monster as it's my house and why should our DD have a smaller room when she lives there permanently? I have spoken to my family and his family and they all agree that it's unfair on DD but I can see his point about there being two of them.

So now I'm stuck on what I actually think!

We are currently living in my two bedroom apartment and when his children stay, me and DP sleep on a blow up bed in the living room and they have our bed.

AIBU?

Hmm, well I was going to say the two girls have the bigger room as they are there 3 days a week and it's not fair on them. But your issue is far bigger than this. If your dp has a better paid job, he's getting rent from his house and he's not contributing to your house, he won't extend the loft or move, then you have a massive problem. With him. Either he stumps up for a better solution or get rid of him as he's taking the piss.

Why did he rent out his house and move into your flat? Why wasnt he bothered at the time that a 2 bed flat meant his DD's didnt have a room of their own? Whos idea was it for him to move in with you?

It doesn’t fit all of you so the obvious thing is to sell it and buy a house that does.

His rental income could help pay the mortgage a larger property.

I would put the two in the bigger room and one in the smaller room. Anything else lowers the status of the 2 visiting daughters and will make them feel very unwelcome.

However, agree, this doesn’t sound like your biggest issue here.

The older girls should share the bigger room. Three nights a week is half the time and the two year old won't know any different at this age.

Do bunk beds or similar actually fit in there? I think two children spending half their time in a box room isn't workable although I can see that it would be great if your DD (who probably has bigger toys and more "stuff") was in the larger room. I'd be torn, but I don't see how the older ones can fit in a very small room for half their time.

@ dontdisturbmenow

If it’s a social housing rental, that was still the OP’s stability (for herself and her daughter). She’d be completely right to hold on to that until she’d inherited a house (and therefore found an even more stable housing situation for them).

Maybe because he only earns a bit over what OP earns and have a similar disposable income to her after paying some maintenance.

Tough shit for him then. If they have separate finances, then the fact he has financial responsibilities towards his daughters from his previous relationship is not the OP’s problem.

Maybe they've talked about a join house before and he would have considered it such if it was him who'd inherited it. Maybe he doesn't want to in charge but what is a fair attribution for all his children on the basis of how much each room will be used by all the children.

A fantasy conversation is not a basis for insisting that someone else lets you dictate how they use their own house.

As said, not enough info but many assumption made on the typical mn position that what the man owns in a relationship should be considered shared but what the woman owns should always be considered hers only.

Not at all. The issue here is that we have a man who clearly considers what the woman owns to be shared, but his is his alone. It’s not some kind of sexism to say that she should treat him in the same way. He should be grateful that she houses him and only asks for money towards bills. And even more so that she houses his daughters.

Protect your inheritance, make sure he has no claim on it! I would get advice from a solicitor.

Surely that is what most people would do in this situation?
It is indeed, but not in MN world!

There is still no reason for him to not contribute rent (irrespective of the OP not having to pay rent or mortgage)
I'd personally be deey embarassed and ashamed to make my partner and father of my children to pay rent on a property I own and paid no mortgage on.

I can imagine the outrage if the situation was reversed!

The girls get one big room, and you and DD get the other.

Partner gets the boxroom.

Just out of interest, does he pay maintenance for his DD's?

I know a lot of men get out of it by having their kids 50/50, it would be amazing for him not to pay maintenance, have their housing sorted and only have to pay for half of what they consume when they stay with him.

All while demanding they have the largest room. Hmm...

If it’s a social housing rental, that was still the OP’s stability
Not disputing that, but it's a different situation to her owning a house, and paying a mortgage on it.

Tough shit for him then. If they have separate finances, then the fact he has financial responsibilities towards his daughters from his previous relationship is not the OP’s problem.
I see, so if OP were to decide to drop a day to have more time with her DD, she should expect him to pay more towards the bill because it's tough shit? Or does rough shit oy applies when it's the guy who gets to be worse off?

A fantasy conversation is not a basis for insisting that someone else lets you dictate how they use their own house
Who says it was a fantasy conversation? You are so biased in your already made up perception, it's scary!

I'm in no way defending the guy, I am purely stating that we don't have enough facts here to make a cheap judgement of the guy's intentions.

Why are so many people so quick to be highly critical of others when there is so little basis to do so?

The issue here is that we have a man who clearly considers what the woman owns to be shared, but his is his alone
No we don't, it's you getting on your high horse jumping to that conclusion.

Wow he saw the OP coming. So he has two kids with his ex but pays minimal maintenance because he has them nearly 50%. The OP provides the housing when he has his kids so he incurs no cost. On top of that he rents out his place so he's actually making money off this deal while getting all 3 of his kids cared for. The bedrooms are a HUGE red herring.

That little niggle about the bedrooms was you finally starting to stand up for yourself because your being massively taken advantage of. Let me guess he doesn't buy any of the clothes etc for your daughter either? You've got a massive cocklodger OP. Whatever you don't marry him! Keep listening to that voice that's telling you this isn't right.

I wouldn’t charge my partner rent but then again my partner wouldn’t feather his own nest off the back of me and to the detriment of his children.

@sqirrelfriends I was also wondering about maintenance, as OP is housing HIS DC's. I suspect to save him more money. Responsibility too)

Good post.

It's a win win for him on that score too.

Why are you not married? Out of interest OP.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

This is where things went badly wrong. The logic that you pay nothing because the other person got it for free is complete and utter bollocks. He may not be quite as big a CF as we are all thinking, because lots of people buy into this logic, including apparently OP.

The correct way to think about this (assuming separate finances) is that OP is providing him accomodation, he must pay her the rental value of that. Her cost to provide the accommodation is uttterly, utterly irrelevant.

When you rent, you agree to pay the market rental rate to the landlord, which will be exactly the same regardless of whether landlords costs are zero, the same as the rent, or double the rent.

Rent the house out, op, just like your partner is doing with his. Then rent a new, bigger place together. He can't argue with that.

He sounds like a knob.
i'd take this opportunity to ditch him and move in with your DD.

Let your daughter have the bigger room. It's your house. His children also have a room in their mum's house where they can keep the majority of their stuff. Alternatively you could let out your house too and you and your DP could then rent somewhere together that suits you all!

Yes, rent the house out but stay where you are . Put the money into your account.

@newhousenewrooms

Yes I think I have a bee in my bonnet that he gets his rental income and isn't fussed on contributing towards a bigger home. Think the bedroom situation may be a red herring to the real situation!

I think you've answered this yourself.

Why not rent our your inherited house as well and then rent or buy a 3/4 bed house with enough room for everyone.

Loads of good advice on here. You're feeling niggled about your relationship for good reason. Sounds to me like he's got an awfully good deal and you're the one making all the compromises. I wouldn't be happy with this situation...

I would normally automatically say two kids should get the bigger bedroom logically, but since it's your house, you're not married and he isn't willing to contribute to a bigger home I just don't think it's right for him to make those demands. If he really wants his DDs to have a bigger room he needs to pull his finger out and get into the loft or buy a bigger house together.

I'd also be wary of listening to advice saying as your DD is 2 she doesn't need a bigger room. I wouldn't make decisions you'll want to change in a couple of years. If you came on here then and asked if it was reasonable to switch rooms after two years of your DSDs being in the bigger room, I highly doubt anyone would say it was ok. In a couple of years your DD WILL be using her bedroom and she will have bigger toys than DSDs, and will probably want to run around and do imaginative play. Your DSDs will be secondary age and won't do any of that. I would make decisions that will work long term rather than switching later.

A few things:
Why do you sleep on a blow up bed and the kids sleep in your bed?
Is your apartment rented or do you own it?
Why don't you sell up and buy a bigger house jointly with both contributing an equal amount?
A 2 year old doesn't need a big bedroom, two older children do; give them the bigger bedroom!