Who should get the room?

[newhousenewrooms]

I've been lucky enough to inherit a house without having to lose any family members! Me and my partner are moving in soon with our 2 year old daughter and his two children age 8 and 9 will be staying 3 nights a week.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

It's a 3 bedroom house, 2 decent size rooms and a box room. I think that our DD should have one of the decent size rooms as she is there 7 nights a week. DP thinks his children should have the bigger room because there is two of them.

We haven't argued about it as such, he owns his own house but rents it out and it is making me feel like the green eyed monster as it's my house and why should our DD have a smaller room when she lives there permanently? I have spoken to my family and his family and they all agree that it's unfair on DD but I can see his point about there being two of them.

So now I'm stuck on what I actually think!

We are currently living in my two bedroom apartment and when his children stay, me and DP sleep on a blow up bed in the living room and they have our bed.

AIBU?

They have rooms of their own in their permanent home. They're just visiting you.

they stay pretty much 50/50 in both homes. They are not an occasional visitor but live with the OP half of the week.

images.app.goo.gl/zSLefnRExCC11XuS7

Bigger room idea for DC 2yo

I think you need to look at the whole house. Younger children often have lots of big toys. If your DD is in the box room that means they get stored in the living room. Or if she's in the big room the living room can be used for the older dc. I have 7 and 9 yo and to be honest they'd sleep in a closet if it meant the xbox got to be played on the big tv. I think, perhaps especially with stepkids, it's best to encourage them to be social rather than hide away in their bedrooms with electronics.

That said I'd be suggesting he pay some rent. Even if it's used for kids savings account future deposit on a house. Just on principle and to protect your asset.

@dontdisturbmenow

Or you could rent out your inherited home for some income for you and buy/ rent another home together with adequate bedrooms That exactly. Seems the obvious win-win solution. Except 5hat OP might then realise that renting doesn't come with the income most assume. As a matter of fact, most landlords of just one house on top tax bracket will now be lucky to make anything of it.

Or, rather than renting, they could sell all the properties they own collectively and buy a bigger one together.

Surely that is what most people would do in this situation?

The house doesn't meet your family's needs, does it? Two dc cannot share a boxroom, but neither should the dc who lives there all the time have it so that dc who are there part time can have a bigger room. I don't see why two adults who own two houses between them cannot instead buy/ rent a house that actually does work for you as a family. He rents his out- why not rent yours out and together pay for one with enough space for all?

No because her partner sounds greedy @ ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

Protect your asset.
Charge him rent
I think I would give the box room to the baby.
Do you have a dinning room you can that can be changed into a bedroom or playroom for all children.
Save the rent to do the loft conversion, build a conservatory or dry room.

Do not let him move in .
The house is yours.

As Maya and Mumsnet say he has shown you who he is .

He is looking for out for himself and his girls , not you and your DD.

I think it’s your house and therefore your choice. If he’s being tight with his money then he doesn’t get a say in the space. Converting the loft or moving is really the only solution.

They have rooms of their own in their permanent home. They're just visiting you
Really, one more night one place make one permanent and the other just visiting? If that's the case, maybe they'd be better off 6 night out of 7 at mum and her getting more maintenance.

I go with a sharing option. Your DD gets the bigger room but has to share it with one of the other kids when they are there. The other child gets the small room to themselves. The gender of the kids will have a bearing on this, of course, but younger kids share, the older one gets their own (albeit smaller) room.

OP ... do you need to tackle the bigger issue of who owns what, who pays for what etc?

I can see that the issue has moved on a bit, but from a practical perspective: my DC are 10 and 7 and we are just about to get rid of their bunk beds as they have outgrown them. So bunk beds may not be a long term option.

It doesn't sound like an easy situation to resolve. I would also feel uneasy about him living for free in your home while collecting a rental income for his (unless this money goes into a shared pot?)

Sorry, did not realise the 2 year old is his too .

@SenselessUbiquity

Don't move him into your new house. It's a lovely size for you and your dd to grow up in and she can have sleepovers and you can have family to stay. You can date him, he can sort out his own, and his children's, accommodation as all adults do. Alternatively, if you want more than a dating relationship but a proper partner who has your back, sack him off and find someone else

Exactly this.

@dontdisturbmenow

"Refering to the rent, is he actually making money from it? Because if he is a high tax payer, by the time he gets the tax deducted, pay the mortgage, insurance and keeps a pot for fees, repairs and maintenance, there could very well be nothing left from it."
So what? There is still no reason for him to not contribute rent (irrespective of the OP not having to pay rent or mortgage). Why should he have a free ride? Why should he then consider he can dictate where his children will sleep in the OP's house?

The OP hasn't said in what proportion they split bills (please say it isn't 50:50 OP).

I think the quality of the man was when he moved in with OP knowing it was only 2 bedrooms and now he cares when it’s three. It’s his problem which has been placed onto the OP making her the bad guy. He could of provided his DCs with a room all along but choose not to.

I agree the real issue is he’s making money from renting out his place but isn’t contributing to living in your place beyond bills. That’s where the real resentment is - I would seriously talk more about having more of a family pot where all income goes in (including rental profit) then all bills and outgoings are paid out of it.

I’d lean towards putting the 2 year old in the box room - 2 year olds don’t care at all about their room and don’t spend any time there. Older children need a place to retreat. You can always swap in 5 years time - although sounds like you’d need to move anyway for a bigger place at that point as you wouldn’t all really fit. This goes hand in hand with the finance discussion - if you’ll need to move somewhere with 3+ full sized bedrooms, how will you both equally contribute towards it over the next few years?

Have you considered renting out the inherited property and renting somewhere with a better layout yourselves?

Does he pay for the toddler?

1. They currently live in the OP’s two bedroom apartment, while he rents out his house
And we don't know whether OP owns this house or rents through the Council. We don't know what he contributes currently.

We don't know how much disposable income he gets from his rental if any.

1. They currently live in the OP’s two bedroom apartment, while he rents out his house
And again, if it's a council rental, it might have been in OPs interest to keep it as such.

He has no intention of paying for anything other than bills for the house the OP has inherited
Maybe because he only earns a bit over what OP earns and have a similar disposable income to her after paying some maintenance.

He still wants to be in charge of room allocation in someone else’s house
Maybe they've talked about a join house before and he would have considered it such if it was him who'd inherited it. Maybe he doesn't want to in charge but what is a fair attribution for all his children on the basis of how much each room will be used by all the children.

As said, not enough info but many assumption made on the typical mn position that what the man owns in a relationship should be considered shared but what the woman owns should always be considered hers only.

@Jellybeansincognito

No because her partner sounds greedy @ ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

Well yes. That is the barrier here.

And he clearly doesn’t care enough about his elder daughters to ensure they have a bedroom right now.

I’m not suggesting that the OP should sell the house she’s inherited and pool anything with this man. Merely saying that most people would have come to this conclusion ages ago.

But, actually, most decent fathers would have decided to use or sell the house they already owned to ensure their daughters had a bedroom. Instead he seems to have been happy enough to live in the OP’s flat and not have a room for children who stay 3 nights a week. It’s clearly not a new, temporary arrangement if they have a 2 year old daughter together.

I had a father who never provided a room for me after my parents broke up (when I was 12). First he rented a one bedroom flat (but bought himself a brand new sports car) and I got to sleep on the sofa. Then he bought a 2 bed flat, but put a really shit sofa bed in the spare room so it was never really a bedroom, never mind my room. Then he moved in with his GF in her one bed flat. I got to sleep on the sofa or, more usually, he dumped me at my grandparents where I got to sleep on the floor in a box room shared with my (male) cousin who is 3 years older than me.

I was always very aware that he had no intention of providing me with a home. But I never thought it was my stepmother’s responsibility to do so. It was him that was a shit father. (To the extent that when my - also a shit parent - mother threw me out of the house at 14 - because I had contact with him dad; not for doing anything horrible - I didn’t phone him. No, I spent 3 days sleeping on the floor in my best friend’s box room bedroom, until my mum decided I could go back home).

In fact, in hindsight, I think my stepmother was totally right to just continue living in her flat. What she should have done is thrown my useless father out.

I’m sure the OP’s partner is not the total shit my dad is. But he’s taking just as little responsibility for housing his daughters here. I’d never advise a woman to take more responsibility for her stepchildren than their father is willing to. She should prioritize herself and her child because no one else will.

Is there scope to extend? If so, put toddler in box room and move her into extension in couple of years.

Your DD should get the bigger room, and I say that as someone whose own DDs share a box room when they go to their Dad's, as his dd who lives with them all the time, has the bigger room. My DDs have their own rooms here with all their things in, they don't need another big bedroom. However, I would definitely let them be involved in decorating it, make sure there is enough room for all their things/decent storage etc. If there is another area of the house that they could have as their area, even if it is just when they are there, that might help as well.

Don't move him in.
This is your future financial security. He already thinks his opinion is more important than yours (we should move into your new house and my children get the bedroom I want them to have). His finances are more important than yours (moved into your apartment to enable a rental income from his own house which you do not benefit from).

When his children stay, does he parent them? Tidy up after them? Actually spend time with them & your child? Or are you nanny, houemaid, cook whilst he does whatever he wants to?

If you still think it's a good idea that you all move in together, get legal advice, documents signed that he has no claim on your house. If he blusters that it's a waste of time, money, doesn't want to etc, then there is your answer as to how he feels about what you want, your future & your security.

Really consider everything before you let "d"p move in to your new house with you.

Don't move him into your new house. It's a lovely size for you and your dd to grow up in and she can have sleepovers and you can have family to stay. You can date him, he can sort out his own, and his children's, accommodation as all adults do. Alternatively, if you want more than a dating relationship but a proper partner who has your back, sack him off and find someone else

Agree!

If he were living with me, we'd be renting both out or selling both, and finding somewhere with enough space for everyone.

And I'd be paying 1/3 while he pays 2/3 as he has 2 other children.

You're in grave danger here OP of being taken for a mug..................