Who should get the room?

[newhousenewrooms]

I've been lucky enough to inherit a house without having to lose any family members! Me and my partner are moving in soon with our 2 year old daughter and his two children age 8 and 9 will be staying 3 nights a week.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

It's a 3 bedroom house, 2 decent size rooms and a box room. I think that our DD should have one of the decent size rooms as she is there 7 nights a week. DP thinks his children should have the bigger room because there is two of them.

We haven't argued about it as such, he owns his own house but rents it out and it is making me feel like the green eyed monster as it's my house and why should our DD have a smaller room when she lives there permanently? I have spoken to my family and his family and they all agree that it's unfair on DD but I can see his point about there being two of them.

So now I'm stuck on what I actually think!

We are currently living in my two bedroom apartment and when his children stay, me and DP sleep on a blow up bed in the living room and they have our bed.

AIBU?

Your DD should definitely have the bigger room, I presume the other children have other rooms at another home? Otherwise you will only have to move things around when she gets older so just stick to your guns, it’s her permanent residence so she should have more space

The DD is only 2 and they are 8 and 9. I see both sides of the argument. I think you should have a family discussion with all the children involved. The toddle may not understand, but I think the other children would appreciate a say in the matter. You never know, ghey maybe happy to have a bunk bed in small room. Btw, I like the idea of the loft conversation. That could save loads of issues.

He's having a laugh. He's going to be paying hardly anything to live with you and getting money from renting his house, but he wants the bigger room for his girls who won't be there full time? The tight arse should contribute towards converting the loft or save to get somewhere bigger. DD should get the room.

Sell both houses and buy a 4 bedroom property so they get a room each. Make life easier.

There’s always going to be a lopsided matter going on, personally I think you should rent out both properties, either buy or rent a larger property 4 bed with rental income on both. Personally think that’s the fairest solution and as your child is there permanently she’ll get the bigger room.
Current arrangement is too in his favour, what a surprise there, this way if you do buy you’re both investing for your blended family with the new place..
Why didn’t you do that before, saying this is an affordable option ? xx

Mmmm I’m mixed on this.
My first reaction was your DD should have the bigger room as more like to have toys that take up space etc.
However putting two girls of that age in a box room for 3 nights a week seems a bit harsh to.
If your DD is a good sleeper could one of the older girls share with her? Perhaps the youngest of the two and the older get her own space? Or perhaps they could take it in turns or whatever as a bit of a compromise?
I’d be reluctant to just give his DD’s the bigger room especially as he isn’t really contributing to the house and is pocketing rental money from another property.... it doesn’t seem very fair!

I would make the box room really pretty and put the 2 year old in there. She is not likely to want to play in her bedroom for a couple of years and your situation may have changed then. She may also feel safer in a smaller room.
As another poster has pointed out, as the other 2 are sharing they will only have half the space anyway. Also they are more likely to play in their own room.

If you are happy with your partner it probably isn't worth falling out over. Who knows in a couple of years you may decide to up-size and buy a bigger house together.

Putting the rent / loft funding issues aside, I think at the moment your DF should have the box room. The other girls are there almost half the time and it seems impractical to cram 2 older kids into a box room. They will need their own space more than a toddler.

Obviously this with work long term though, so you will need to come up with an alternative solution, further down the line.

FYI If you stay where you are, then bunk beds do his girls and your in the bigger room. Or have him contribute buy giving you half his rental income. That would be the fairest option and let his girls have the bigger room. But only if he gives you half the benefit of his property as he’s happily taking half the benefit of yours... even you must see that’s not ok

He should be paying a rent equivalent to half the house plus half of all bills. But he would rather spend your money and save his own.
Speaks volumes

Give your daughter the biggest room - but have one of his DC sharing with her on the nights they’re there.

Yes, they need more space but personally I think you should ‘claim’ that larger room for your daughter now. I foresee arguments in the future if you let his DC have the larger room and then try to swap your daughter to it when she’s older.

It’s her one and only home.

I have been in your exact situation only mine is 2 box rooms and 2 double rooms. We have 3 kids 1 biologically mine aged 1 and 2 step children 3 and 6. I gave my child the bigger room as he is there 24.7 which is most logical. The smaller they are the more toys they have believe me. The 2 box rooms are for the 2 older 1s as they are only here 3 nights a week. We've just made their rooms so nice. Initially me and my husband had arguments because he thought the oldest child should have the biggest room. But i put my foot down because i was the 1 buying the house. Do what you think is best because youll only resent him if u dont.

Your child definitely should have the bigger room, they will have more stuff as there all the time. We a currently in 2 bed flat, so my son shares with his brother when he is here. But my son will definitely get the bigger room when we move somewhere bigger.

Personally I would put the 2 yr old in the box room for now because they will feel more snug in there. As your DH’s kids are older and there’s 2 of them, it makes sense for them to share the bigger room. This can always be re-arranged when the children get a bit older.

In terms of the rooms, I would give the toddler the box room but with the agreement of the older children that your DD can store some bigger toys in there and use their room to play in when they are not there. When they are staying then all her stuff has to be tidied away before they come, your DD has to play elsewhere and only a grown up can go in to get the stuff she wants. Then they also do a tidy up before leaving and have somewhere to keep their stuff that your DD can’t get into, locked wardrobe/cupboards etc.

Maybe suggest you all move to his house and you rent out yours (keeping the rent, of course) Then let us know what he says

I can share how we've gone about choosing our bedroom in the house (also, granted we only have 1 child) and what I'd do if we had more than 1.

Our son is 3 and when we moved in our house, we looked at the bedrooms and the biggest of the 3 we chose for him. He's using it as play room and as he'll grow, will also be his study room, we've got the second largest because we've got quite a few things and the smallest of the bedrooms is our office.

If we had another child, we'd give our current bedroom to our new baby and we'd get the smallest of 3 and move the office in the living-room.

If we'd have more than 2, then the closest in age would get the biggest of them and we'd still end up with the smallest of bedrooms.

Our bedroom has 2 purposes: 1 for us to be able to sleep on a bed and 2. store clothes. If we're not sleeping, we're not in our bedroom.

You should choose the way you think it's right for you and your family :)

Tricky one. My stepkids had the bigger room, and my DS had a small room. As its 3 nights a week, I think that makes sense. A two year old in fine in small room.

His children (are they the same sex?) get the bigger room.
They are going to be there nearly half the time, it's not an every other week situation.
A 2yo spends almost no time in their room and doesn't need the space there, older children do.

This.

It’s completely unreasonable to put the two older children in the small room when: they are there half the week, there are two of them, and they are bigger/ older and therefore in greater need of space.

Your DD should get priority for the bigger room. She’s there full time and it makes sense for a box room to be sat unused for 4 days a week over a bigger room.

So so many posters who seem to struggle with either reading or comprehension, or have agendas.

Let me spell it out

We do not know how much he is making from his rental, if anything

We do not know the differential in earnings, it may be large or small

We do not know anyone’s costs, other commitments, maintenance etc

We cannot say if this man is living for free and pocketing a fortune, or just getting by with a loss making negative equity rental. Or somewhere in between.

Christ this place is scary sometimes

There comes a point in a relationship where you either decide to throw your lot in together (by either marriage or legally drawing up who owns what % of the house) or you continue living in separate houses regardless of children. If he doesn't want to have an equitable split of bills/savings then I'd send him back to his house and he can stay over with you the 4 nights he doesn't have his daughters. Your daughter can have the larger room and you are not paying for extra food, utilities for 3 more people all the time.

He is pocketing an income from renting his property whilst living at your house which is too small for two families. Why not suggest renting out your property and getting a joint mortgage on a bigger house.

I am assuming you are in a stable relationship if you have a child. Or you both sell and pool your funds. Sounds like neither of you want to let go of your single person Independence.

In the short term I would put single or bunk beds in the larger room and allocate it to the older kids. A 2 yr old will have no memory of her room and will be in your bed most of the time!

I think it’s time to look at your relationship as it doesn’t seem fair he is pocketing a rental income and only contributing to bills. He has that home as a back up if his relationship with you fails.

Please, I am begging you, do not squeeze your DP's children into a box room. As there are two of them and only one of your daughter, giving them the smaller room is making them second class citizens in a home that they are spending nearly half their time in.

No matter where your daughter sleeps, your house will feel like her home. The same is not true for your stepchildren. It is vital that they feel like full members of the household in order for them to feel fully welcome as family, especially knowing the home is 'yours'. You have to bend over backwards to make this possible if you want smooth sailing going forward.

Plus, a two year old doesn't need a big room. She will want to have her toys downstairs so she can play where you are. Older kids need more space in their rooms because they will go play in them.

I agree with other posters, though, that you may need to look at selling this house and buying one with four bedrooms, or three big ones.

Or if one of your steps is more reclusive and the other one is more engaged with your daughter, you could give the more introverted child her own room and have the people person stepdaughter share with your little one.

Obviously, without knowing how it works between, I may be off here but, I thought I'd tell you how it works for me. I have a DP and we have 1 DD together. I also have 3 DCs with my ex. My DP also has a DS with an ex so, 5 kids between us.

Myself and my DP don't live together and never have. We have been together 5 years now. He lives in a non mortgaged property and I pay rent on mine. He pays for all of our daughters nappies and milk but also, gets my food food shop for us all and bread and milk daily (lots of mouths here!) As well as takeway and drinks for us. I don't pay for this really. He stays at my home much more than his (only has his DS during half term holidays)

I feel this is fair. He pays his way (more so, since my ex pays Nothing. He has his 3, 3 nights a week tho).

It's complex but we make it work!

And I think your child should have the larger room. The older two will manage fine. Mine do!