Who should get the room?

[newhousenewrooms]

I've been lucky enough to inherit a house without having to lose any family members! Me and my partner are moving in soon with our 2 year old daughter and his two children age 8 and 9 will be staying 3 nights a week.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

It's a 3 bedroom house, 2 decent size rooms and a box room. I think that our DD should have one of the decent size rooms as she is there 7 nights a week. DP thinks his children should have the bigger room because there is two of them.

We haven't argued about it as such, he owns his own house but rents it out and it is making me feel like the green eyed monster as it's my house and why should our DD have a smaller room when she lives there permanently? I have spoken to my family and his family and they all agree that it's unfair on DD but I can see his point about there being two of them.

So now I'm stuck on what I actually think!

We are currently living in my two bedroom apartment and when his children stay, me and DP sleep on a blow up bed in the living room and they have our bed.

AIBU?

@ArgumentativeAardvaark - I was thinking the same - perhaps a family friend.

If I were you I'd sell both houses and buy a bigger one

OP,

Can you honestly not see the total unbelievable madness of a man, on a higher salary than you, and his two daughters living rent free in your house, while he pockets rental from another property.

All the while dictating about your house, which is going to take some beating to it's decor with you all packed into it.

And, he's all the while dictating how the space is used, but won't pay a penny towards the house or maintenance.

OP, this is truly an unbelievable situation.

Please reevaluate just how vulnerable and used you are in this scenario.

It's a real shocker, even for MN.

If the two older had the bigger room, and their own room in their mum's house, that's unfair on your DD. She's there full time and doesn't have the option of another room 3 days a week elsewhere. That will be her one and only room.

I completely see your point, but I think we so very easily overlook the stress and upheaval involved in having to live between two different homes and never having one single room that is permanently yours (or permanently half yours if shared with a sibling). Adults who make the conscious decision to live away in the week for work and then come home at the weekends still find it very stressful, so it can't be much fun for a child who has no choice in the matter.

Anyway, we're assuming that the older girls have their own lovely big bedroom(s) in their mum's house. For all we know, they might have a tiny box room in a little 2-bed flat or their mum's new partner might have his own young child who lives there full-time and thus displaces them from the decent-sized room there as well.

In the vast majority of cases of divorce/breakdowns in relationships, the necessity to split the remaining finances across two residences obviously results in children living in smaller and less desirable rooms/houses for their whole post-split childhoods - they might just move from one small room half the week to another small room for the rest.

Haven't rtft, apologies.

If this is meant to be a long term house, it doesn't work, there just doesn't sound like there's enough space to avoid confrontation!

You obviously want your DD to have the larger room. It is your house and your DP is not contributing. BUT the older children are there HALF the time, not just EOW! So it's not just giving them bedspace, it's having space for them to keep their possessions and (later on) do homework or have friends over. A box room doesn't work for that.

Is there the capacity to extend or to go up into the loft? For 3 children, you do need at least 2 decent sized rooms between them to live comfortably together when you have different ages.

If your DH is renting out his house, he must get a decent income towards that. You are otherwise providing all the capital for your home. Can he put money towards extending?

Personally I’d put the two year old in the tiny room, if two are sharing the other. She really won’t mind growing up and having her own space. You can make her and it feel special.

The main issue here is whether you are ‘all in’ and in a marriage-type relationship with the partner (his money is your money etc) in which case of course he doesn’t pay rent etc but you should also share his rental income, or you are still keeping finances separate in which case he needs to contribute a hell of a lot more eg a decent rent or all bills etc.

Honestly I’d move in to the house just you and your daughter
Yes me too.
Sounds like he's getting a sweet deal here, rents out his house keeps the money, gets a house to live in for very little contribution to bills and his Dd's from the first marriage get to move in half time too.
He thinks you're a pushover.

If he doesn't like it then rent out your house, money goes to your savings only. Rent a house between you and both pay half rent. I am sure he will change his tune when it will cost him.

maddening has it.

If you don't want to split up and you're also not planning on getting married and splitting all your income straight down the middle, you need to rent your inheritted house out.

Both of you own a house.

Rent both houses out.

Both keep your own rental income and your own salary.

Rent a four bedroom or 3 big bedroom house together, pay half the rent each.

No way on earth should he keep 100% of the rent from his house and 100% of his own salary and live off you in your house, when you have a child together and his two children from another relationship live with you 3 nights per week.

This situation has Cocklodger written all over it

I also agree that having the 2yo and 8yo share and giving the 9yo her own room is crazy. It's like treating them as goods requiring a logistical storage solution rather than people whose individual needs are all being considered overall. If anybody shares, it has to be the similarly-aged two who are used to living together all the time, wherever that may be.

He's using you

Even if he doesn't make a profit on his rental income, he'll have a windfall as the value of the property increases over the years

Living in your house enables him to make this future property windfall
You won't be getting half of this though though.

You should move in to your inherited property with your DD
and let him move into his rental property with his DC - until then, he must pay the full rent on the current property that you no longer need

Wow he saw the OP coming. So he has two kids with his ex but pays minimal maintenance because he has them nearly 50%. The OP provides the housing when he has his kids so he incurs no cost. On top of that he rents out his place so he's actually making money off this deal while getting all 3 of his kids cared for. The bedrooms are a HUGE red herring.

^This

Can you honestly not see the total unbelievable madness of a man, on a higher salary than you, and his two daughters living rent free in your house, while he pockets rental from another property.

All the while dictating about your house, which is going to take some beating to it's decor with you all packed into it.

And, he's all the while dictating how the space is used, but won't pay a penny towards the house or maintenance.

OP, this is truly an unbelievable situation.

Please reevaluate just how vulnerable and used you are in this scenario.

It's a real shocker, even for MN.

and This^^

Be careful - if he pays for the conversion it could be considered improvements that increase the value and give him some sort of financial stake in the house. Last thing you need is to have to sell it to pay him off further down the line.

Good point! Charge him rent, OP and use the money to pay for a loft conversion.

This sounds awful for the kids. One tight father who can afford to get them a lovely bigger home to grow up on but won’t and one step-mother who has no issues with making them feel like they are not wanted. Hope their mum is decent to them.

That is very harsh n the OP. Nowhere does she say they aren't welcome. What should they have the bigger room when they are only there half the time?

If you are intent on making this relationship work, you have to give his daughters the bigger room

I think the OP should be seeing if her DP is intent on making the relationship work. It seems he wants everything his own way.

He could get a stake anyway - be careful! Rent out your house and buy or rent together.

Why dont you rent out both your properties and rent one larger between you
Hes getting rent for his and you would get rent fir your two , so should still be able to rent bigger unless all rent is going on mortgages

“ I'd put the 2 yo in the small room for a couple of years as they rarely spend any time alone in their room. As she gets to 5-6 I would say she needs to her own space. So the two children have the bigger room 'on loan' for a few years. There should also be storage for the toddler in the larger room for her toys, which she can access easily.”

DON'T!

You will never get that room back off his girls. Even when thy great university/living in their own flats, it will be "their" room to stay in when they visit. (If you last that long with him)

You need to see a solicitor to make sure this house is protected for you and your kid, so your DP doesn’t get his hands on it as I can’t see the relationship standing the test of time

DO!

It sounds like he is very savvy where his own interests are concerned. If there's any way to get a portion of your assets when if you split, you can bet he will do it!

This sounds awful for the kids. One tight father who can afford to get them a lovely bigger home to grow up on but won’t and one step-mother who has no issues with making them feel like they are not wanted. Hope their mum is decent to them.

This is massively unfair, if the house was jointly owned (or at least contributed to) I would advise to let OP's DSD have the bigger room. How does a man who has no stake in the house get to allocate out rooms?! It's not OP's responsibility to provide for these girls, if her DP wants to give them a bigger room then he can sort it out.

If you take the stuff about how grabby your DP is coming across and want to be fair to all kids (give you DD space but not make the SD's feel unimportant) then do what a PP suggested, give the box room to the oldest SD and have your DD and younger SD share the big room. That's fair as oldest child gets her own room and youngest child will have a big space to herself when she's there on her own

Also, your DD will probably love sharing a bedroom with one of her big sisters

The bedrooms are definitely not the real issue. He should be paying rent. If he wants his children in the bigger room, he should be paying a lot of rent.

The bedroom issue Itself is near impossible to solve. The house just isn’t a good fit for such a large family. If you do work out a plan for appropriate rent from him, I would insider options to live elsewhere.

Their father wasn't considering how loved and included in his new arrangement his girls felt, when he decided to rent out his own property and move into the OP's small flat.
His children haven't had a room of their own at all there, but the OP has generously slept on a lilo to accommodate his children.

If he feels he wants his children to have more space or be more "included", he should take responsibility for that himself, though he has shown no inclination to do so up to now!

Now she is being encouraged to put the comfort of his children before that of her own child.

@newhousenewrooms Don't be guilt tripped or emotionally blackmailed into giving your own child second best. Take a leaf out of his book and put yourself first, that's what he is doing!

There is still no reason for him to not contribute rent (irrespective of the OP not having to pay rent or mortgage)

There I think of this, the more I think that it is the best option.

Have him as a lodger. He pays rent. You retain full rights to your home. You can use the rent money for any improvements/maintenance.

Oh - and your DD gets the bigger room.

What'S the betting this "man" only has his kids 3 nights a week to avoid paying maintenance.

He's getting his kids from his previous relationship free board and lodging with the OP so he can avoid paying any rent or any maintenance keep his higher salary and rental income all to himself.