Who should get the room?

[newhousenewrooms]

I've been lucky enough to inherit a house without having to lose any family members! Me and my partner are moving in soon with our 2 year old daughter and his two children age 8 and 9 will be staying 3 nights a week.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

It's a 3 bedroom house, 2 decent size rooms and a box room. I think that our DD should have one of the decent size rooms as she is there 7 nights a week. DP thinks his children should have the bigger room because there is two of them.

We haven't argued about it as such, he owns his own house but rents it out and it is making me feel like the green eyed monster as it's my house and why should our DD have a smaller room when she lives there permanently? I have spoken to my family and his family and they all agree that it's unfair on DD but I can see his point about there being two of them.

So now I'm stuck on what I actually think!

We are currently living in my two bedroom apartment and when his children stay, me and DP sleep on a blow up bed in the living room and they have our bed.

AIBU?

Could you put all three in the bigger room ft just sleeping and then have the box as a study space come playroom?

Bunks and a toddler bed in the sleeping room, then do the box up with a desk but also plenty of floor space?

Your daughter to have bigger room as she will use it everyday step children in smaller room as only used sometimes

"I hope he's paying you 50% of utilities, council tax & house insurance - all of which he & his children will be benefiting!"
I hope he is paying more than 50%. Even if he was there without his two older daughters and paid 50% of those costs it would not be a fair split as he earns more. To have his two older daughters there he should pay more. He should pay all costs for his 2 older DC and 1/2 costs of their youngest daughter.

I think you need to think more practically than a lot of people seem to in these situations. Most children want a big bedroom, and most children are fine if they don't have one. You also have to look at how things will actually work.

We have a 3 bed house. My DD is in the box room while my DSS is in the large second bedroom. At the time, my DD was a baby and it made total sense. My SS is only with us EOW normally which meant that bedroom could double up as a guest room, which is one big pro for the children that are there part time being in the decent sized room. It's been very helpful.

On the other hand, my daughter has just naturally, through living here full time and the kind of things she plays with, ended up with a lot more stuff to store than DSS. His presents these days tend to be things like Nintendo Switch games, whereas she is taking up more and more space. From her last birthday, there is already a small ball pit, a little desk and chair and a rocking horse that are having to be kept in SS's room because they don't fit anywhere else. They both play in the bedrooms a little, not a lot, and she basically does it in his room because that's where her things are. Logically speaking, storage would work a hell of a lot better if she was in the larger room, and it's only going to become more of a problem.

You have to look at these things - who actually needs the space to suit their belongings and needs.

But this is the advice I would give if you were a fully fledged family and everyone was reasonably compromising and contributing. This is essentially your house and your DP has refused all compromises other than you giving his daughters the biggest room. He should recognise that he is the one that needs to inconvenience himself to make space for them.

I'm afraid I think that YABU. They are there half the time, not once in a blue moon. They are older and there are two of them. They need to be in the bigger room.

I agree with pps who have suggested that you need a better longer term solution, though. A loft conversion, or even an extension if there's room for one, to provide an additional bedroom and an extra bathroom.

Alternatively, you consider selling both houses and buying a bigger one together that's appropriate for your whole family.

I don't have SC but my DD13 has a box room and it it plenty big enough. I would definitely give the larger room to the SC, more so they don't feel like second class citizens in your home.

Honestly I’d move in to the house just you and your daughter.

I have only skimmed the thread, so apologies if this has already been suggested, @newhousenewrooms.

I would give your dd the boxroom as her bedroom, and make the bigger room a combined playroom for her and a playroom for all three girls and bedroom for the other girls, when they are there. You could put bunk beds in for your dp's girls, so there would be more play space for the three of them to share when they are with you, and for your dd's toys when it's just her.

If you want his dc to feel unwanted and unloved then by all means squash them in the box room. However, if you'd like them to feel welcome and to actually want to spend time as a family then I suggest they share the bigger room. By the time your DC is 10, his DC will be virtually grown up and probably won't need the bigger room and your DC can have it then.

Put the eldest in the box room and the 2 youngest in the big bedroom.

I think it would be cruel for his children to have to share such a tiny room when their half sister has a larger room to herself. It will send out a message about their role in your family.

The real issue is that this house clearly isn’t right for you. Sell it and buy another one, using his rental income to stand up a mortgage for his share. (Presumably you could find your share through the house proceeds).

Another point to consider is that a 2 year old won't notice or care what size their room is, but DC of 8 or 9 certainly will and they'll no doubt be upset about sharing the small room.

OP and DP have a 2 year old together so OP has been in the older DC's lives for at least 3 years. OP got together with him knowing that her DP had children, and presumably accepted that they would always be important in his life. Making 2 older children share a room that is much smaller than the one their half-sibling has, is not a recipe for family harmony going forward. So older DC should share the bigger room at least for the next few years. That's what's fair to the children. On the other hand, maybe OP and her DP need another discussion about how finances are to be managed.

Have t read all the thread but with three girls I would put them all in the big room so that whoever isn’t there the others get the room to themselves. Make the box room a study or little TV room for some quiet apex for whichever one needs or wants a break from the other two,

The box room is far far too small for his 2 children to share. That would be unreasonable.

But he is not pulling his weight financially. You need to buy or rent a property that will meet the needs of all the children. It is not just your job to do that.

To be honest I think you should quit while you are ahead and move into the new house with just your DD. He is mean. He won’t change.

But if you do decide to move in with him ensure that your interests are legally protected.

I would honestly tell him DD is having the larger room because this is our (hers and yours) you and your children are welcome to visit.

Do not move in with him. He's taking you for a ride. That house sounds perfect for the two of you.

Your "box" room is the biggest of my childrens bedrooms 😂 you can absolutely fit 2 in, I've 2 girls in bunk beds (6&3). You just have to be inventive with space saving. A quick google and you can get a few good ideas of making the most of small spaces. They have the equivalent of a double wardrobe and chest of drawers each, a dressing table between them (which when older will double up as a desk for homework etc). A toy box each and a corner of the room to play in. Its doable.

Having said that, I dont think that's your main issue and you've bigger fish to fry.

Why don't you guys have the small room if you can fit wardrobe and a double bed in it?
We've done that, and honestly its works for us as we only sleep in our bedroom! DSC (with us 50%) have the master and DD2 has the next.
In my mind, its the person who will utilise the space the most should get it.

@FurbabyLife

Honestly I’d move in to the house just you and your daughter.

This. With bells on.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

The box room is far far too small for his 2 children to share. That would be unreasonable.

But he is not pulling his weight financially. You need to buy or rent a property that will meet the needs of all the children. It is not just your job to do that.

To be honest I think you should quit while you are ahead and move into the new house with just your DD. He is mean. He won’t change.

But if you do decide to move in with him ensure that your interests are legally protected.

This. Exactly this. OP your partner must pull his weight if you are to be a team. Housing, supporting and caring for all the children is not just your responsibility. Frankly I’d reduce the relationship to a live out one and start to detach from him, tell him to find his own place to live be that his flat or elsewhere. You could either see him and rebuild the relationship if it’s worth it and if he finally realises an adult relationship needs a worthwhile contribution from him, or separate fully and make sure he does his bit in supporting the child that you have together.

I haven’t read the whole thread, so forgive me if I am repeating what other posters have said.

Don’t let your dp to contribute towards a loft conversion as this could mean that he may have a stake in your house if you were to split up.
I wouldn’t sell your house to buy a house with him as you have a mortgage free house.
In fact ,judging from your responses, I wouldn’t want to move in with him.

I think there are two seperate issues

1. His contribution - you are contributing the house, so there is no mortgage etc he needs to either rent half of the house OR pay all the bills to the equivalent of that cost - leaving you more disposable income. Whilst you don't pay an amount for the mortgage you have an inheritance which has value and he needs to contribute to the use of it.

1. How to accommodate children of the family. If you sort 1. he is contributing 50% so has a say what happens with the kids, you need to consider "the children" as a whole and what their needs are right now - a 2 yr old does not need a massive room, I am not sure if these are step or half siblings not that it should make a difference but if you think about the needs of the children now and in the next few years - I actually would consider putting the three in together with a "desk room" for the older two for home work and keeping their treasures safe when they are not there

At the moment you are not considering all children equally (I don't think it makes a diff whether there all the time or not) but ALSO he is not contributing equally - the inheritance is not a freebie - he is using your assets and needs to contribute. Maybe you could set that money aside for an extension later on when the kids are older or just for your daughter in a kids ISA or similar

If you are intent on making this relationship work, you have to give his daughters the bigger room

Could you put 2 beds in bigger room but it is your dds room in the main
and 1 bed in box room