Who should get the room?

[newhousenewrooms]

I've been lucky enough to inherit a house without having to lose any family members! Me and my partner are moving in soon with our 2 year old daughter and his two children age 8 and 9 will be staying 3 nights a week.

Partner won't be contributing towards any rent/mortgage as it is inherited so only need to pay the bills which we will split.

It's a 3 bedroom house, 2 decent size rooms and a box room. I think that our DD should have one of the decent size rooms as she is there 7 nights a week. DP thinks his children should have the bigger room because there is two of them.

We haven't argued about it as such, he owns his own house but rents it out and it is making me feel like the green eyed monster as it's my house and why should our DD have a smaller room when she lives there permanently? I have spoken to my family and his family and they all agree that it's unfair on DD but I can see his point about there being two of them.

So now I'm stuck on what I actually think!

We are currently living in my two bedroom apartment and when his children stay, me and DP sleep on a blow up bed in the living room and they have our bed.

AIBU?

Step kids have their own rooms at their own house, so your daughter should have the bigger room it's her home! Think your oh is being a cheeky fucker free house and he's dictating to you!

I would put the toddler in the box room. I agree with pps that she will be fine there for years, but the older two will be very cramped and as they are pretty much with you half the time it isn’t kind or fair. Two of them in the bigger room probably gives each child roughly the same square metres of space.
But longer term selling both places and buying some thing with one more bedroom makes more sense.

Step kids have their own rooms at their own house, so your daughter should have the bigger room it's her home!

How do you define 'their own house'? Do you think that children whose parents don't split should have the right to have 'their own' permanent home but those whose parents have split should only deserve 'their own house' for half of the time?

They don't own OP's house, but neither do they own their mother's house - they're children, and children don't legally own property in their own right. I really feel sorry for those girls. Their parents' split was either the fault of their mum, their dad or both of them; but it most definitely wasn't their fault. It seems so cruel to tell a child that they no longer get to have their own permanent full-time home to live in, but then to blame them for wasting resources after you've planned and arranged for them to live between two different homes.

We have the same house size as you, we both have children from previous who stay with us 50/50 and a shared child who is here full time, the full time child has the smallest room.

So he doesnt even have a mortgage on his house? He actually pockets the rental?

But moans about spending money on a room for your daughter?

Oh dear. You're going to need a chat.

I'm a step mum too but my DSS's are only here every other weekend so they share the smaller room, DH wasn't happy about it at the time as said the older ones needed more space but they are hardly here and DD uses her room every day.

Your situation is different. Your Dsd'S are there half the time.
Ideally your DD would get the bigger room when she's about 10 and they swap, they may well be coming less by then anyway. But it might be hard to get them to move so I can see why you aren't keen on this.

It's a tricky situation.

Agree with other posters. There are far bigger issues than who has which bedroom and you are right to have a bee in your bonnet. This is your gut feeling telling you things aren't right.

I wouldn't be letting him or his children move in OP unless he pays rent and his fair share of the bills (ie for 3.5 people)

If you go with the current proposed arrangements (who came up with them?) you will find yourself becoming increasingly resentful.

I know there are other issues involved here, but I cannot understand why so many three-bedroom houses are built with two big rooms and one box room. Surely a high proportion of 3B houses will be occupied by families with two children, so a big room for the adults to share and then two medium rooms for the kids would make much more sense? If families only have one child, then that child still gets their own decent-sized room and they/the family also have an extra good-sized room to use however they choose - playroom, storage, office or whatever.

I think the developers probably want the best of both worlds - to be able to focus on how spacious the two main bedrooms are when attracting customers, but then to add in something not much bigger than a cupboard to enable them to be able to sell it as a 3-bed. Sadly, they only care about grabbing and maximising that one-time transaction and don't care about the decades of family life that will be made more difficult because of it.

It sounds like a shaky partnership. Ideally you’d sell both houses and buy something together that will comfortably house all the family, or you sell his house and put his money into a good loft conversion- and he gets a share of the house. Otherwise if everything is “mine” and “his” what’s the point? And it’s not the older girl’s fault that they’re only there part time.

FGS, maybe because he gets very little from it? How hard is it to understand that not every one makes decent money out of renting. I make exactly 0 on mine and only keep it for its investment potential.

It’s true that nor everyone makes a decent living out of renting but he is going to have that investment potential and he is not going to be paying any housing costs at all.

He also works full time so isn’t trying to make a living out of being a landlord.

Also, the OP has said “he gets to pocket the rental income” so presumably in this case there is some.

Either you're in this together which means pooling income and outgoings and treating all DC equally or you're not.

Sounds like this isn't really a suitable house, so I'd rent it out and then you jointly rent something better.

You and your daughter should move in without him.

The atmosphere would be horrible and his children would be 'second class' being crammed in a box room almost half the week.

That isn't your fault though, he is refusing to do the loft, doesn't contribute anything and you are going to look like the bad guy. I'd tell him to sod off personally.

If it is your house you should dictate where your DD sleeps not your other half. As others have said he should use some of his cash to convert the loft for his daughters. He is really financially benefiting from you big time, I think that you are beginning to realise that too.

And once he's saved up the money you then go to a solicitor together to get a signed agreement to say he owns £XXX of the house (cost of the renovations) so there's no arguing over what he's spent down the road. No, this is his "rent" for living there. He already owns a house, why should OP give him power over her house as well with part ownership?

Bigger room for dd why have the little room when bigger room will only be used 3 nights also younger one probably has a lot more toys togo in there my youngest has the bigger room for roys play space son is older13 an has a little room as he no longer plays

I see the thread has moved on a bit but I'd give bigger room to sharers on the understanding that child in box room could use the space in their absence.

DD will want to be downstairs with you a lot. She can cope fine with a tiny room....8/9 year old,deffo they need the bigger room. They can keep toys the two year old might wreck in there. Two kids that age will not fit a box room.

I wouldn't be letting him or his children move in

All 3 children are his.

DD should have the bigger room. If the two older had the bigger room, and their own room in their mum's house, that's unfair on your DD. She's there full time and doesn't have the option of another room 3 days a week elsewhere. That will be her one and only room.

I don’t understand how you can inherit a house without someone dying. You say “without losing any family members” but someone must have died, and if they were close enough to want to leave you their house then that would still be sad, surely?

I wondered about that, I must admit.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I think he’s taking advantage then I would say the 2 year old gets the box room and the older girls share. Then you save some money to convert the loft or buy a bigger house when you feel you need one. I think it’s fair that a child who is there all the time gets their own room, but I don’t think that room should necessarily be the biggest room, especially as your step daughters are with you almost half the time.

I don’t really understand the few posters suggesting that the 8 year old shares with your toddler and the oldest girl gets her own room. It makes much more sense that the 8 and 9 year old share than it does the 2 and 8 year old share. I don’t see how the fair option is for the 9 year old to have her own room when she’s so close in age to her sister and she’s only there 3 nights a week!

I think (as you’ve realised) you have bigger problems than box rooms to sort out though OP. Hope you’re OK.

The problem is that you are looking at it as your house, he’s looking at his rental money as his money. For this to work it should all be in one pot. Then the money from the rental can pay for alterations like a loft conversion.

I’m the meantime the smaller bedroom is for the eldest two to sleep in with the understanding that they can play in the bigger bedroom as long as you’d dd isn’t sleeping. All their toys etc can go in the bigger room too.

I would suggest not using the box room as a bedroom at all. In the big room (which is your where your DD sleeps 7 nights a week) get two of these chair beds which can sit together as a sofa on the 4 nights a week when your DD is in there solo, and fold out to be comfy single beds when your step children are there. Keep the box room for toy and clothes storage for all three of them, so that the bedroom isn't too cluttered.

Taking the rest of the situation out of it (because it's not their fault), I'd say the older girls get the bigger room, they are there nearly half the time, if it were EOW it would be different.

As for the rest of the situation - I'd be looking to live somewhere with more space, whether that is converting the loft, renting out both houses and buying or renting one big enough to live in, or selling both and buying something big enough, or whatever.