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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forcing people to feel happy

151 replies

DBML · 23/06/2020 01:22

Next week I was supposed to be going abroad somewhere very special with my husband to celebrate my birthday. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been excited for a while. Obviously it’s cancelled due to Covid and I feel depressed, disappointed and sad about it. I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help how I feel.

My brother and sister have taken it upon themselves to throw me a outdoor BBQ party at the weekend - about 12 people, on the day I should have been going away.
My husband had a big flashy do, my brother had a big flashy do and I get a Covid social distancing BBQ. I know they are doing their best, but really, I’d rather just forget it.

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful, but I don’t know why they are insisting on doing this when I really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday. Instead I feel like I’m being forced to try to enjoy myself. I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home.

I know I’m being unreasonable and I know I should be grateful. I know there are people who have lost loved ones for goodness sake and I’m whinging about a lost vacation. I just feel a bit depressed and I guess I need people to tell me to man-up and remember how lucky I am.

Sorry, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
AllNewThings · 23/06/2020 01:39

I get it. My birthday was last month. For personal reasons, I hate my birthday and can't really cope with any acknowledgement of it. Every year, I slip off to Paris on my own for a few days over it, which I enjoy very much. Obviously this wasn't possible this year, so I braced myself for an unavoidably shit day. DH got the DC all riled up and spent a fortune trying to recreate a Parisian themed meal (kids dressed as waiters, French music and food, stereotypical decor etc). I get the sentiment, I really do, but he completely missed the point. Thankfully I found out before the day and so was able to explain why I didn't want to participate. People who organise this type of thing do so with the best of intentions, but it's often more about what the organiser wants than the actual recipient I think. I think it's ok to say no, I don't want to do that.

Original poster
DBML · 23/06/2020 01:48

@AllNewThings

Thank you. That made me feel a little better. I’m sorry you didn’t get your birthday trip either, especially when it so clearly helps you get through a difficult time of year.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2020 01:56

If you insist upon being miserable, have at it. You're free to do so, so demand they cancel the celebration so they don't waste their time. They can't force you to celebrate if you don't want to.

Original poster
DBML · 23/06/2020 02:04

@Aquamarine1029

I know it’s ridiculous being miserable about it. I just can’t stop myself feeling low.

I’ve spoken to my brother who I’m closer to and said
“Let’s not worry about it this year. I’m feeling a bit sensitive. We’ll make up for it next year instead”.

I was told “No DBML! You are not doing ‘nothing’ for your birthday....and it’ll take your mind off not going away if we celebrate on Saturday! We have to do something, you’ll enjoy it”.

I feel I have no say. I never have a say. He’s lovely but overbearing too.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 23/06/2020 02:06

I am sorry. I know there are people losing family; losing jobs; maybe losing homes. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel if you are in that position. I feel deeply ashamed to have posted such a selfish thread.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2020 02:16

I feel I have no say. I never have a say.

What a load of rubbish. You're a grown woman, of course you have a say. Tell your brother you won't be there if you feel that strongly about it.

Monty27 · 23/06/2020 02:21

There's another time OP. They're being lovely and trying to please you in the circumstances.
Don't be ungrateful Hmm

chatterbugmegastar · 23/06/2020 02:48

You feel what you feel. You do sound very Princessy, to me - but you are allowed to feel your feelings.

I think your biggest problem is your inability to say - no. I don't want this event and I won't go

If you can't stand up for yourself, then I'd 'be ill' on the day. Then you can't go to the event and you can have the day to yourself , at home, to wallow in your sadness or do anything you choose

unstableunicorn · 23/06/2020 02:52

Ahh that's so disappointing about your trip, I feel for you. Just remember that your brother and sister are doing it out of love. If you really don't want to, you could maybe say you're not really comfortable having a bbq with others because of covid. Is it at your place? But maybe it'll be one of those things that you don't really want or feel like doing but on the day could actually surprise you by cheering you up? They can't force you to celebrate but I'd give it a go and see how it goes if I were you, if you're still not up for it then you can always find a way to back out

HarryElephante · 23/06/2020 02:53

Genuinely, get over it. You sound ridiculous.

teaflake · 23/06/2020 02:56

Just don't go. Or go out somewhere else, before you're expected to leave for the BBQ.

Just make sure you've told them clearly, that you're grateful for the thought, but you don't want it.

Monty27 · 23/06/2020 03:23

How can OP not just go??
It won't kill you OP and keep the hosts happy. I think it would be extremely rude not to.
Shock

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/06/2020 03:39

Only birthday that is “big” in my book is if you reach 100.
Every other birthday is just a birthday. You don’t need it to be a “big” birthday to have a holiday to celebrate it.
Have the BBQ this year and do the holiday next year.
Also, get over yourself and stop the moping and feeling sorry for yourself.

teaflake · 23/06/2020 03:59

I think it's extremely rude to force the op to go to a 'celebration' she doesn't want.

'We have to do something, you’ll enjoy it”.' Shock Overbearing, I'll say!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2020 04:22

I think it's extremely rude to force the op to go to a 'celebration' she doesn't want.

No one can force her to do a single fucking thing. Is there a gun held to her head? Is her brother going to kidnap her and drag her to this party? Don't be absurd. All she has to say is I'm not going.

Bananasplitlady · 23/06/2020 04:39

It is not remotely ungrateful to not want to attend a party the OP did not ask for, does not want and is upset about. It is most unreasonable to try to force someone to do something they do not want to do,just to make the organisers feel better about themselves.

OP, they feel bad you don't get your celebration but unless you have been throwing a massive strop about noone doing anything for your birthday, they did not need to do anything at all. If you don't want it, be very firm and tell them.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 23/06/2020 04:46

You should count your blessings op.
You really need to give your head a wobble.

Flyingagainstreason · 23/06/2020 04:58

You would have felt 100000x worse if they’d done fuck all for you and shrugged their shoulders and just said, oh well that’s shit about your birthday but not a lot we can do.
Trust me.
So I would just try and reframe it in your mind. It’s not what you wanted and of course you can wallow, but just don’t self sabotage.

FondantPud · 23/06/2020 05:05

@Beerincomechampagnetastes

You should count your blessings op. You really need to give your head a wobble.

This. I do get it how you feel - I hate being chivvied along for stuff like this..

You are being kind of petulant in saying that your H and brother had flashy do and all you are getting is a SD bbq .. people have had much worse off the back of Covid and you know it !!!

And tbh despite saying you'd rather forget it you do possibly sound like you'd moan if they didn't do anything either. Suspect your brother is very kind !

I'd kill to have anyone interested being that kind and thoughtful. I'm lucky if anyone notices my birthday these days let alone having a gathering organised. I'm sure I'm not the only one here in this position either......

iusedtobeabletorun · 23/06/2020 05:10

I’m surprised at these answers.

I don’t think it’s about being forced to be happy at all, OP, and I wonder if the title is why you’ve had some slightly dickish responses. It’s people who decide what would make you happy and refuse to take no for an answer. See also people who physically drag you up to dance when you were sitting having a pleasant drink and soaking in the ambience, people who are such “good” hosts they practically force tea and cake down your neck and don’t listen to no thank you, I’m fine for now, oh I’ve just had a drink.

Different things are enjoyable for different people: surely that doesn’t actually come as a shock to anyone old enough to be posting on MN. And when you decide, unilaterally, what someone needs or wants, and ignore protests, that’s not something that is a comfortable or pleasant character trait. Especially when men insist on doing it to women.

Yeahnahmum · 23/06/2020 05:17

I get it. You were looking forward to it and all..

But at the same time.... girl!! count yourself lucky that they are throwing you a bbq. You could have gotten nothing. They are doing this bbq on the original going away date because they knew you'd be upset about it.
But now you are just boohoo they had big flashy do and i have a lousy bbq.

Well op then just say: no thanks. I don't want a bbq. And swim in self pitty. And dont go all 'i feel like i cant say no'. You can say no to your brother. He is not holding a gun against your head. And if he still wants to proceed you send everyone a message saying : sorry guys. Not in the mood for a party. Then if they all still show up you lock yourself in the bathroom with a good book. The kettle and a puppy.
The end

isabellerossignol · 23/06/2020 05:21

They can't force you to feel happy.

And you can refuse to go. It would be rude to just not turn up but if you explain in advance that you appreciate the thought but that you don't feel up to it on that particular occasion, then you've done nothing wrong.

On the other hand, I think if you were to attend martyr style and then spend the whole time making sure everyone knows that you're not enjoying it, that would be very rude.

Prayerwheel · 23/06/2020 05:27

Some nasty responses here. OP, no one can make you attend — are your family assuming you’re just pretending reluctance and are secretly pleased? Just tell them you don’t want to and don’t go.

Charles11 · 23/06/2020 05:36

It’s disappointing not getting your big trip you were looking forward to but try to reframe your thinking.
It’s unusual circumstances. Delay your trip, so you can still look forward to it one day. You have people in your life who love and care about you and want to mark this day that’s so important to you. That’s something to be treasured.
If you would still prefer to be miserable by yourself, then just do it. Tell everyone you’d rather be by yourself and you want them to cancel.

iloveeverykindofcat · 23/06/2020 05:41

Is there something nice and frivolous you can do for yourself that better suits your personality? COVID cancelled my birthday too, as well as two concerts I was looking forward to. I'm musical, so I spent the money I had put aside for a new hoover on a nice guitar I've had my eye on for a while. The carpets will survive shrug. I do think we should appreciate how lucky we are not to have gotten sick and lost anyone, but equally I don't think there's anything wrong with giving ourselves a bit of self-indulgence at this time.