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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forcing people to feel happy

151 replies

DBML · 23/06/2020 01:22

Next week I was supposed to be going abroad somewhere very special with my husband to celebrate my birthday. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been excited for a while. Obviously it’s cancelled due to Covid and I feel depressed, disappointed and sad about it. I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help how I feel.

My brother and sister have taken it upon themselves to throw me a outdoor BBQ party at the weekend - about 12 people, on the day I should have been going away.
My husband had a big flashy do, my brother had a big flashy do and I get a Covid social distancing BBQ. I know they are doing their best, but really, I’d rather just forget it.

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful, but I don’t know why they are insisting on doing this when I really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday. Instead I feel like I’m being forced to try to enjoy myself. I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home.

I know I’m being unreasonable and I know I should be grateful. I know there are people who have lost loved ones for goodness sake and I’m whinging about a lost vacation. I just feel a bit depressed and I guess I need people to tell me to man-up and remember how lucky I am.

Sorry, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
Treatedlikeamaid · 23/06/2020 07:46

I think it’s give and take. It won’t kill you to go, and you’ll spread joy. What a wonderful excuse for everyone to get together after such a difficult time! It won’t kill you to not go, but you’ll possibly cause a lot of upset, which might be a shame.,and last a lot longer. I’d say, go, it’s a few hours out , to create a lot of joy and you may actually enjoy being surrounded by people that so obviously care for you.
I’m writing this because my v small family are miles away and I’d love to have the around for my birthday, or any day. Go with what you’ve got!

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/06/2020 07:47

@backaftera2yearbreak

Exactly! Some really nasty Types on here.

Took a while for the birthdays are for kids bollocks to come up though

MrsPerfect12 · 23/06/2020 07:48

I was supposed to have a big party and be away to New York at the end of May for my big birthday. I've deceived to do both next year. I'll stay a year younger for another year. Plan it for next year instead, it's postponed not cancelled.

BendingSpoons · 23/06/2020 07:49

My sister should be getting married on Saturday and going on honeymoon on Monday. She is understandably disappointed. They had hoped to at least be able to have a tiny wedding, but even that is unknown. I want to help and cheer her up, but also know nothing is going to come close, so we are leaving them to mark the day as they choose. I think is a bit of a hero thing to making other plans for someone and expect them to be grateful and have a wonderful time. I think YANBU but you have to make a choice, grin, try to make the best of it and don't thin too hard about what it is replacing or make a fuss and say no.

scarlett0101 · 23/06/2020 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mostpeculiar · 23/06/2020 07:51

Sometimes in life you have to do shit you don’t want to do, which is good as before you know it you’ve created a v small comfort zone for yourself and no functioning adult should have that

STAYTHEFUCKHOME · 23/06/2020 07:51

[quote DBML]@Aquamarine1029

I know it’s ridiculous being miserable about it. I just can’t stop myself feeling low.

I’ve spoken to my brother who I’m closer to and said
“Let’s not worry about it this year. I’m feeling a bit sensitive. We’ll make up for it next year instead”.

I was told “No DBML! You are not doing ‘nothing’ for your birthday....and it’ll take your mind off not going away if we celebrate on Saturday! We have to do something, you’ll enjoy it”.

I feel I have no say. I never have a say. He’s lovely but overbearing too.[/quote]
Dear Brother,

I have said I don’t want to celebrate, so I won’t be. Does my view on this count for nothing with you?

DBML

Confused124 · 23/06/2020 07:57

I can see why you are sad , I don’t like the expectation we can’t be sad about anything other than absolutely awful situations . Most people will experience Awful loss For example during their lifetime But it’s also ok to be sad about the stupid stuff too . Or else why do we even book holidays etc if they don’t make us happy ?!

Anyway , I actually think you should go to the bbq and try enjoy it . It’s the best you can manage at this time and it shows people care about you !! Don’t see it as instead of the holiday etc see it as extra and you can do the holiday another time and it will be just as amazing .

Have a nice day with your family and dh :)

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 23/06/2020 07:58

In a bit torn. On one hand its lovely of them to try and do something for you and you might enjoy it more than you think.

On the other hand I hate people deciding things for me and knowing what I want better than I do myself

So I'm not sure if YABU or YANBU

BigusBumus · 23/06/2020 07:58

Did you stamp your feet while writing this thread OP? Perhaps it was the pea under your mattress that put you in such a petulant mood.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 23/06/2020 07:58

Fuck all this 'be kind nonsense'. You've told them you don't want a party. People who force this stuff on others usually only do it for themselves anyway. Nobody gets to tell you how to enjoy yourself. You're also not being 'ungrateful' Confused because you're being forced to have a party you don't want. It's great when you get to the point of adulthood where you realise you can say no whenever you like and if people don't like it then tough.

dottiedodah · 23/06/2020 08:01

Well I was due to go to US to see friends and celebrate my "big" birthday as well! Many people I know are in the same boat.I hope to still be able to go next year, as my DH said just have a belated celebration! Your family are all thinking of you ,and trying to give you a nice day is all .Maybe you will be able to go next year? As my friend says Birthdays are just another day! Disappointment is part of life ,and maybe be glad you are well .Theres always another time as my DM used to say!

StoneSourFan · 23/06/2020 08:03

'You would have felt 100000x worse if they’d done fuck all for you and shrugged their shoulders and just said, oh well that’s shit about your birthday but not a lot we can do.'

THIS

I get that your upset about your holiday but by the sounds of it you want a big flashy do to celebrate the birth of you and you think your getting the short end of the stick by having a BBQ. Just tell them thanks but no thanks if you don't want it.
They're trying to do something nice under the circumstances.

clarehhh · 23/06/2020 08:04

No one has mentioned you are only allowed 6 people currently in the garden! Use that as your excuse.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/06/2020 08:12

I am in the 'get a grip" camp OP, sorry.

I appreciate that you feel what you feel but your family are trying to do their best by you and show you they care. You can do the big holiday later. Does it really matter if it's on the date of your birthday or not? Plenty of people have had weddings, holidays and other big occasions cancelled.

Turn up at the party with good grace and a smile, you might even enjoy yourself. You will embarrass yourself if you don't turn up or have a face like a smacked arse.

PollyPocketLucyLocket · 23/06/2020 08:19

I agree with @Chaaaaaching Especially regarding the Paris poster. The DC were all excited and the DH had put a lot of thought and money into it, according to post.
What a lovely day that could have been for them all. Paris poster - consider letting them do it for you soon please.

JoysOfString · 23/06/2020 08:19

Op I understand, and I don’t think it’s shameful to be depressed and stressed about this, because others have it worse. There will always be people in worse and better situations. You feel how you feel and I can totally relate. I find birthdays and parties difficult, and being forced into being the centre of attention when I’d made it clear I didn’t want that would be incredibly hard for me - yes it’s not what other people are suffering, but that doesn’t change that fact.

It’s not being kind or caring to make you do something unnecessary and embarrassing that you don’t want to do - full stop. They’re putting you in a situation where you either have to endure it, or be really firm and be seen as difficult and ungrateful. Whereas they could have just respected your wishes and been kind.

I think I’ve been doing pretty well in lockdown and I don’t have much to complain about compared to some. But sometimes I feel overwhelmed and desperate, despite that - or devastated about the things I can’t do that keep me sane. That’s just how it is - we all have our own honest feelings and you don’t need to be ashamed.

Flowers
PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/06/2020 08:21

My 40th was spent at home in the thick of lockdown.We ordered an indian and I had a bottle of champagne.I was supposed to be going to ibiza with dh the next day for a childfree weekend so gutted didnt even come close.I totally get it but I really would just try and make the best of it.

JoysOfString · 23/06/2020 08:23

You would have felt 100000x worse if they’d done fuck all for you and shrugged their shoulders and just said, oh well that’s shit about your birthday but not a lot we can do.'

I wouldn’t if it was me! OP clearly said she didn’t feel disappointed it was just a BBQ - she wanted to be left alone and allowed to mope because she feels crappy.

Neveranynamesleft · 23/06/2020 08:24

You have 2 choices.
Tell him you're not going so he needn't waste time money or energy on organising anything.
Or stop acting like a spoilt attention seeking 4 year old, stick a smile on your face and spend a few hours with friends and family.
The choice is entirely yours.

Bluesheep8 · 23/06/2020 08:24

I was told “No DBML! You are not doing ‘nothing’ for your birthday....and it’ll take your mind off not going away if we celebrate on Saturday! We have to do something, you’ll enjoy it”.

Why do we have to do something? Sounds like its just an excuse for a party. just say firmly that you don't want to. Let them have a get together and bbq if they want but it doesn't have to be for your birthday. You don't want it and that's that.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/06/2020 08:25

I love how some people are saying the OP should grow up about birthdays and yet should be forced into a birthday celebration she doesn't want. I mean which is it?

violetscone · 23/06/2020 08:25

Maybe they think it’s not healthy that you just want to wallow and mope and feel sorry for yourself, and are trying to help you move on?

In general I’m not a fan of forcing things on people that others decide they should like, but you’re being a bit OTT - depression is an ongoing low mood, are you honestly saying you have depression over this one thing?

I would let them do the BBQ, your moping sounds like it genuinely isn’t helping you.

farmerswifey2 · 23/06/2020 08:26

We were supposed to be taking our little girl to Disney for her birthday the first week of April. We'd been talking about it for weeks, in the way only an overexcited six year old can! We were going to have dinner with Mickey on her birthday.
Obviously, this was cancelled and her birthday was spent on the living floor with sandwiches crudely cut into the shape of Mickey's face. But she didn't moan - We giggled. We ate sandwiches on the floor and made plans for what we were going to do when things were better.

Now if a six year old can do it....

mum11970 · 23/06/2020 08:33

You do sound like a petulant child. It was my 50th a month ago and a lot of my friends are also celebrating theirs in lockdown. It’s not what any of us had planned but hey ho, hardly the end of the world. You sound like the sort of person who likes to play hard done by and will bemoan how your big birthday was so awful and not celebrated by anyone for evermore.