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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forcing people to feel happy

151 replies

DBML · 23/06/2020 01:22

Next week I was supposed to be going abroad somewhere very special with my husband to celebrate my birthday. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been excited for a while. Obviously it’s cancelled due to Covid and I feel depressed, disappointed and sad about it. I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help how I feel.

My brother and sister have taken it upon themselves to throw me a outdoor BBQ party at the weekend - about 12 people, on the day I should have been going away.
My husband had a big flashy do, my brother had a big flashy do and I get a Covid social distancing BBQ. I know they are doing their best, but really, I’d rather just forget it.

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful, but I don’t know why they are insisting on doing this when I really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday. Instead I feel like I’m being forced to try to enjoy myself. I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home.

I know I’m being unreasonable and I know I should be grateful. I know there are people who have lost loved ones for goodness sake and I’m whinging about a lost vacation. I just feel a bit depressed and I guess I need people to tell me to man-up and remember how lucky I am.

Sorry, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:

Tadpolesandfroglets · 23/06/2020 08:33

I get it. Thank really do. Big birthday coming up for me, party, holiday abroad ( we have only ever gone once as a family abroad as we can’t afford it) and a course I had booked as my treat, all cancelled. I feel like ignoring it all until next year. I think you have to stand firm if you really don’t want to do it but honestly you might quite enjoy and it’s sweet of them to want to throw you a bash. It’s a big disappointment but one that you’ll get over.

Tadpolesandfroglets · 23/06/2020 08:33

*i really do!

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 23/06/2020 08:35

I do see where you're coming from OP. There's nothing more frustrating when you have a disappointment than people trying to show you the 'bright side' of things: you want them to empathise with your feelings not try and get rid of them. However, as others have said, I think that you would have felt sad if they HAD listened and done nothing too - I'm not sure there is a way that could make this all better.

Can you reframe this in your head to approach it a different way? It's not your xx birthday (you are delaying that due to covid and will celebrate properly another time) - this is just a way for your friends and family to show their love. In other words, it's about them and your friends wanting to show they value you, even in the weirdest of times. A bit like when small children make really bad tea, but you still love it because you know it's coming from a place of love. It's not about the tea/party itself....

Quartz2208 · 23/06/2020 08:36

You need to decide what it is you actually want - to not have a party and move it to next year or do this.

Because what you actually want just cant happen - unfortunately nothing is going to change that at all. It is what it is and you are allowed to feel all those things about it. its normal to feel like that in this time.

cyclingmad · 23/06/2020 08:37

Imagine having your birthday literally after xmas day when all your friends cant make anything you want to do as they are with their families and not much is open.

Bet this is this first time you ever had to have a disappointing birthday.

Whereas I have to accept I can never celebrate my birthday on my actual day with people I would like to because of when it is. But I don't mope about or get upset about it every year

Bluesheep8 · 23/06/2020 08:40

No one has mentioned you are only allowed 6 people currently in the garden! Use that as your excuse.

And of course there's this. Say it's impossible to choose 6 people. Coupled with the fact that YOU DONT WANT IT ANYWAY

Xenia · 23/06/2020 08:41

I don't have any trouble saying no. You don't want this BBQ party so just refuse it. You do have a legal right to say no. Insist, get your husband to back you up. Get it in writing by email too.

JustC · 23/06/2020 08:42

Obviously it's your right to not want this and tell them so. It's also their right to feel like you are a petulant child who is pissing on their effort to do something special for you. So many people who don't have loved ones or friends that care enough to do smth like this for them (just on here there are so many threads about people having no friends or family and feeling so lonely), and here you are complaining about too many people caring about you. First world problem.

FromTheAllotment · 23/06/2020 08:43

Totally sympathise. I had an unwanted surprise party once and I really struggled to get over the fact that my plans for my birthday had been overridden and I had to act grateful about this. Other people planning your party is great if they’re planning something that you’ll enjoy. It's a special kind of torture if they’re planning something you don’t want and you have to spend the whole time faking enjoyment.

Can you ask them to reframe it as just a bbq, ie NOT to do with your birthday? Would that make it more enjoyable for you?

Comtesse · 23/06/2020 08:47

You are allowed to feel fed up, perfectly normal to do so. Other people trying to jolly you out of feeling bad is super annoying. Why are their feelings more important than yours? Who’s birthday is it anyway?? Toxic positivity is a thing. Why should you have to swallow your feelings to make other people feel better and be grateful about it? Yanbu.

hibeat · 23/06/2020 08:48

I feel for you op. Just have the day as it comes. You know what it's your birthday you not only get to celebrate it you celebrate it with your family alive and well. You will have time for the holiday.Grive now to rejoice properly on the day and make plans. Life is short. Carpe diem

violetscone · 23/06/2020 08:48

@FromTheAllotment

Can you ask them to reframe it as just a bbq, ie NOT to do with your birthday? Would that make it more enjoyable for you?

And this is why everyone I know knows never ever to throw me a surprise party.

OP isn’t being surprised though.

Witchofzog · 23/06/2020 08:50

I am sorry but you sound rude and ungrateful. You said they had flashy celebrations and all you get is a bbq. They had their birthday in different times so you can't compare the two. And you are lucky you have a caring family who want to do something nice for you. I would kill to have that. But you would rather refuse to go and wallow in self pity? For the record I was also supposed to go away this week and I was bloody gutted - I literally live for my holidays. But I chose to try to make my departure day as nice as possible to cushion the blow a bit. Once you are at the bbq you will probably enjoy it. Or if you really don't want a bbq then suggest a celebration you would like within the limitations that exist currently. But stop being a diva as it isn't going to make you happy. You should get a refund on your cancelled trip and then you can go at a later date. Focus on that too.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/06/2020 08:52

A surprise birthday party would honestly be my worst nightmare. I'd be horrified

TickleMeElbow · 23/06/2020 08:52

I think it's a bit childish to cut your nose off to spite your face like that. You could enjoy the slightly shitter birthday instead of moping. Surely something is always better than nothing?

BUt if you wlll really hate it, just say "I'm not going brother, thank you but I really don't fancy it so won't be there". And then not go. You're an adult.

NeedToKnow101 · 23/06/2020 08:53

Hi OP, even in your post you said you know you're being unreasonable.

It's fine to be sad about your special holiday, as are literally millions of people right now (about their own plans, not your holiday ), but it's cutting off your nose to spite your face if you continue to wallow in your disappointment. The reality is your holiday is cancelled for now.

If you really don't want to go to the barbecue, tell them to go ahead and enjoy the lovely weather without you, but better to accept the situation and go along and have a good time. (Unless you have always hated barbecues, which you didn't mention in your post).

NeedToKnow101 · 23/06/2020 08:57

This isn't a surprise birthday

peakygal · 23/06/2020 09:03

You are perfectly entitled to feel how you want to feel and you already requested that you didn't want to do anything so that should be respected. Why people think they can force others into participating is beyond me. I find though, if I'm dreading an event, its always the one I have a great time at

IAmFleshIAmBone · 23/06/2020 09:09

Cutting off your nose to spite your face to go to a party you don't want... Okay then. Toxic positivity is right, whoever said that. And all this "oh but they mean well", "stop being ungrateful", "you're acting spoilt" blah blah is just manipulative. People calling the op immature are actually they ones infantilising her by suggesting she should be letting other people tell her what she wants and how to spend her birthday.

DasPepe · 23/06/2020 09:11

Can you reframe the celebration (so that once you can - you can still do a big do). Whilst I totally understand how you feel. I’m abroad and everyone came over for my 40th in December. It was tough because I didn’t actually want to celebrate, I’ve just seen some of them in October and it felt like I had to put energy into being happy over 4 days. However, this was the last time I’ve seen them so far. So whilst I’m not trying to be negative,
You really don’t know what lie ahead. Suggest you promise yourself a big do when it’s possible and tell your family the same. Find a random purpose for the party - even a silly one. Practice or planning pre party! And enjoy your loved ones: and look forward to a big do as soon as you can :)

Notnownotneverever · 23/06/2020 09:15

@DBML I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a big birthday a few weeks ago mid-lockdown and I was really excited about my original celebration plans that were obv cancelled.
However I basically insisted that my DH cancel any other plans and refused an outdoor meal with my parents. I regret it bitterly. I was feeling sorry for my missed plans and ruined my own day. The day wouldn’t have been the same but it would have been something different and still fun. I have ruined what would have been a decent and memorable birthday albeit less exciting. Just so I could feel sorry.
Do feel sorry for yourself but please don’t cancel your birthday BBQ. You will end up with double regret like me.

Heartlake · 23/06/2020 09:17

Oh OP.

Youre so fortunate to have adult siblings who want to do this.

The only reason to not do it works be if you had an alcoholic family member who would take over and ruin it.

Just say that you'd like to keep it super low key... No dressing up, no birthday cake if you don't want one, no late finish if you don't fancy it.

But please don't push away people who love you even if you don't want their love in quite this way right now.

altiara · 23/06/2020 09:21

I’d understand if you didn’t like parties and truly didn’t want to go but you seem put out that your husband and brother had big flashy parties and yours is just a BBQ, so you just come across as having your own big sulky pity party. You must’ve had plenty of time to be miserable and mope about your holiday (your own words) by now so this is why I think you should go, so you can realise that you can have a good time with your family that clearly love you.

(If you really are a non party person, then I apologise but that’s not how it sounds from you original post)

Doggodogington · 23/06/2020 09:21

You sound quite young, is it your 18th or 21st birthday OP??
I suppose you could just go, sit in the corner and pout the whole time. Or, you could go, have a lovely time, thank your lucky stars you are healthy and have people who love you and want to make your day special and then plan your getaway for when things get back to normal.

Original poster

DBML · 23/06/2020 09:31

Good morning everyone and thank you for even the harshest of responses. I need to hear it all.

Just to clarify....apart from that one conversation where yesterday I said to my brother I’d rather not bother this year, I haven’t said anything else. I wouldn’t deliberately make them feel awkward by being miserable enough for them to see. In that sense I do tend to suck things up.

I also don’t know why I even mentioned ‘flashy do’s’ because it’s would be the last thing I’d want anyway - I’m not the most social of people. I think I was indeed just being petulant.

I’m not usually like this. I don’t feel like I’m being princessy or a diva, I just feel very, very sad, despite knowing that a holiday is not the end of the world. I felt so sad, even though we’ve been able to see this coming for miles, that the last few days I can’t eat. I haven’t got up and showered this morning or yesterday (blush), which is so ridiculous. I want to just sleep and wake up when this virus has disappeared.

I will go to my BBQ on Saturday, I will put a smile on my face and I certainly won’t let anyone else think I’m having anything other than a lovely time.

I’m not usually even like this. I’m usually the one saying ‘this is nothing compared to what others are going through’. I just can’t seem to buck myself up. It is ridiculous. It really is.

And to the parent of the little girl who missed her birthday at Disney, you must be so proud. What a lovely little girl and I hope this just extends your excitement until next time.

As I said before, I genuinely am sorry for this self pitying thread, when so many people are facing things I can’t even imagine.

OP posts:

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