Forcing people to feel happy

[DBML]

Next week I was supposed to be going abroad somewhere very special with my husband to celebrate my birthday. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been excited for a while. Obviously it’s cancelled due to Covid and I feel depressed, disappointed and sad about it. I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help how I feel.

My brother and sister have taken it upon themselves to throw me a outdoor BBQ party at the weekend - about 12 people, on the day I should have been going away.
My husband had a big flashy do, my brother had a big flashy do and I get a Covid social distancing BBQ. I know they are doing their best, but really, I’d rather just forget it.

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful, but I don’t know why they are insisting on doing this when I really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday. Instead I feel like I’m being forced to try to enjoy myself. I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home.

I know I’m being unreasonable and I know I should be grateful. I know there are people who have lost loved ones for goodness sake and I’m whinging about a lost vacation. I just feel a bit depressed and I guess I need people to tell me to man-up and remember how lucky I am.

Sorry, I just needed to get it out.

Is her brother going to kidnap her and drag her to this party? Don't be absurd. All she has to say is I'm not going.

If only things were as simple in RL as they are on MN! Of course family relationships won't be affected at all, if the above happens

It’s good you’ve decided to go.

Amazed you started this thread implying you’d been really clear with them when you hadn’t!

So it's the OP's birthday but she has to spend it doing what other people want to do?

@DBML you think you have told your brother you don't want the BBQ. You haven't. Saying "let's not worry about it this year" is NOT saying you don't want it. Always be extremely clear.

Unless you say "Brother, I really do not want a bbq on my birthday. I know you want me to have one but it is my birthday and I would like to spend the day quietly with my family," then he really won't understand because you are being wishy washy.

Never be wishy washy .

No OP. You have been bullied out of your feelings here.

You don’t have to be cheered up and chivvied along or to ‘give your head a wobble’ (stupid fucking phrase).

You don’t have to do what someone else wants in order to appear grateful and to support the group think.

You are allowed to say, you know what? What I really want for my birthday is to stay in bed eating, reading and resting in perfect solitude.

This thread reflects what society does to women: don’t be so unreasonable, ignore your feelings, play nice, put others first at all times.

I wish you a lazy day of sulking in privacy and I hear you.

As I said before, I genuinely am sorry for this self pitying thread, when so many people are facing things I can’t even imagine.

No there is no need to apologise - we all have our moments in this situation where it all becomes too much and the realisation of what we have missed/lost in this becomes too much.

You are allowed to feel sad and angry about this - its your pain and your upset

God this would piss me off so much. As a normally functioning adult I know full well what makes me happiest. If I want to spend a birthday on my own it's because that's what I want. Not because I am incapable of organising my own fucking barbeque! These people are controlling twerps who are not listening to you- what is it with these people who always know best?

I realise the OP isn’t being surprised, but I thought it was a comparable situation in that the OP was being told to be grateful for something that wasn’t enjoyable for her. I’m clearly in a minority drawing that parallel though

@AtrociousCircumstance

I agree with every word you say. The OP isn't hurting anyone - she just didn't want to have to celebrate her own birthday when she didn't feel like it. You'd think she was trying to sabotage someone else's birthday from the vitriol on this thread.

I’m glad you are going to go op I’d say you don’t have to pretend to be super happy tho just go with it , if you can try get your head in a bit of a different place by then maybe you can enjoy the bbq for what it is . Enjoy seeing your family and hopefully sitting in the sunshine and know that your holiday will happen but just not yet :)

You have been bullied out of your feelings here.

Yes, exactly. There is absolutely no need to be grateful to someone who is trying to make you do something you don't want to do. I do agree with a pp who says that in such cases, it's important to be extremely clear. Not 'I'd rather not', but 'No, I'm not having a BBQ this year.'

I get it. Enforced jollity is horrible. When I was turning 40 I told my partner in no uncertain terms I didn't want a surprise party. So she organised a party and then told me about it the day before. I felt betrayed, upset, belittled, and ignored. I went - it was at my house it would have been difficult to get out of - but I fucking hated it and couldn't wait for all my friends to fuck off home.

I dont think her brother has bullied her out of her feelings - she spoke to him once about saying she wasnt sure and he responded to say it will be fine

OP I think is the once trying to talk herself out of her feelings by saying she hasnt had it that bad

I dont think her brother has bullied her out of her feelings

I don't think that's what that poster meant -- I think she meant by people on here.

I understand where the OP is coming from. My DM has the annoying habit of planning surprise parties for me. She means well, I realise that, but they're always things that she enjoys rather than asking me. About 5 years ago, she planned a 'superior' picnic, with high quality fillings for the sandwiches. If she'd spoken to me, I'd have said that our DDs wouldn't like them and made some plain ham/cheese sandwiches for them that I knew they would eat. My DM also gets affronted by their fussiness, which makes it worse.

To make it worse, my DM assumed that my DSis and her family wouldn't be able to come so didn't mention it to her. She wasn't happy and expressed her disappointment to me. But I'd had no say in who was coming!

She was very miffed when my DH and I planned my 50th last year the way I wanted it, saying that she would have liked to plan another surprise occasion for me. That was the whole point, though, I didn't want her to do that.

I think that's what's going on here. Sometimes you do have to ask yourself the question, who are you planning the party for? Yourself or your loved one whose birthday you're celebrating? If they don't want it, then they shouldn't feel pressured into agreeing to it.

Although from what the OP has said, she hasn't really said told her brother that she doesn't want this party, and she has to accept that he isn't a mind reader. But I do still think there's a type of person who loves to plan events and plans an event that they themselves would like and can't understand that not everyone likes the things they like.

My brother said that being in lockdown gave me an excuse to not celebrate my (milestone, in other people's opinion not mine) birthday. My reply?

"I don't need an excuse. I'm not doing anything out of choice".

What I don't understand is why you're going ahead with something you don't want, are unlikely to enjoy, etc. for the potential to have it repeated with other things through the years.

If my family have an issue with my choosing to not celebrate my birthday then that's their issue, not mine.

Yes, you do sound miserable as heck, but I think it's quite inconsiderate and pushy of them to continue with these plans after you've said you don't want to bother because you feel really down.

I am the sort who would be organising you a "consolation" party, but if you said you didn't want it I would absolutely respect that.

If you really don't want to then just tell them. They're being ridiculous if they continue to push it.

OP, you are allowed to feel like this and you are allowed to stay at home and mope as you want to. It doesn’t matter that other people would love to be in your Situation as they have no family or friends or that others would feel grateful they have people who want to do this. It is not about other people it is about you.

I never really celebrate birthdays but I understand where you are coming from with regards to feeling so fed up.

I see you have decided to go to the BBQ. Try to have a nice time but if you don’t want to stay too long you don’t need to. I also wouldn’t be forcing myself to smile too much either. It is OK to feel down and not to hide it. If your family care they will understand.

The OP can be thankful for her loving family and still not want to spend her birthday doing something she doesn't want to, just to keep the peace.

I'm the 'Paris poster' and in reply to the comments on my earlier post, yes, it was a lovely gesture from my DH, but as I explained, I cannot cope with the day being acknowledged, which is the reason I always go away for a few days alone. This is due to a traumatic event as a child, which I've struggled to move past. The fact that it's Paris I go to is irrelevant. That's just somewhere I happen to like. The pertinent fact is that I don't want to celebrate my birthday, which DH knows.

Show your self some self compassion, but try to not be in self pity.
You are allowed to feel a certain way, absolutely do not bash yourself for it, let the emotion come and go (do not hold on to it).
If you do not feel grateful, don't be cruel to yourself, but try to find some by thinking about how much they care, however misplaced.
I understand how annoying it might be if they don't understand.
It is definitely not nice to be 'jollied along' (I really hate that ).

It might seem like I'm being too psychoanalytical, but it is where most people's problems lie.
Google Kristin Neff self compassion.
Best of luck x

Hey OP what happened this weekend? I hope you stayed home and weren’t pressurised into keeping everyone else happy on your birthday!

Hi @AtrociousCircumstance

I did go along, but the weather was horrendous, so the BBQ was scrapped and a few pizzas were popped in the oven. As we had to be moved inside, it was fairly subdued anyway. It naturally didn’t last as long as people were keen to get home as it was tipping down and beyond windy.
I won’t say I ‘enjoyed’ it as such, but it was Ok and I think my family felt better for having done it. I laughed and smiled the whole time and on the way home DH bought me an Indian takeaway.
It wasn’t the birthday of my dreams, but hey ho, that’s life. I didn’t really feel like going on the day, but today I’m glad it’s over, it wasn’t a huge deal and I went. I’m happy my brother is none the wiser and we can just forget about it now and move on.
I’m not so gutted about my holiday today either. I’m waiting to plan it again for next year and we’ll save for a water bungalow instead of a garden villa, so maybe it’ll be worth the longer wait.

Thank you for thinking of me and asking! I appreciate that. Hope you have had a lovely weekend.

You were a trooper OP - I’m glad it went ok and you’re enjoying making future holiday plans

What’s a ‘water bungalow’?

@tadpolesandfroglets

Water bungalow 😍

really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday

I’ve spoken to my brother who I’m closer to and said "Let’s not worry about it this year. I’m feeling a bit sensitive. We’ll make up for it next year instead”.
Why have you given this polite wishy-washy message to your brother if you feel so strongly about it?

I feel I have no say. I never have a say. He’s lovely but overbearing too.
You do have a say but clearly, for whatever reason, you aren't prepared to actually say what you really feel. This is not your brother's fault. He is not a mind reader. Your communication of your real feelings was poor. Speak to your brother and sister again and express your feelings properly. Just shut their wishes down.

However, I hope your DH goes out for the day so that he doesn't have to be brought down by your moping about.