Forcing people to feel happy

[DBML]

Next week I was supposed to be going abroad somewhere very special with my husband to celebrate my birthday. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been excited for a while. Obviously it’s cancelled due to Covid and I feel depressed, disappointed and sad about it. I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help how I feel.

My brother and sister have taken it upon themselves to throw me a outdoor BBQ party at the weekend - about 12 people, on the day I should have been going away.
My husband had a big flashy do, my brother had a big flashy do and I get a Covid social distancing BBQ. I know they are doing their best, but really, I’d rather just forget it.

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful, but I don’t know why they are insisting on doing this when I really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday. Instead I feel like I’m being forced to try to enjoy myself. I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home.

I know I’m being unreasonable and I know I should be grateful. I know there are people who have lost loved ones for goodness sake and I’m whinging about a lost vacation. I just feel a bit depressed and I guess I need people to tell me to man-up and remember how lucky I am.

Sorry, I just needed to get it out.

They want to try and make things better, it is completely up to you whether you let them do that or not.

You could just go along with it and mope the following day, and the one after that etc etc

On the one hand they shouldn’t be forcing it on you. On the other hand no-one’s ever taken me on holiday and it’s been years and years since anyone has made a fuss of my birthday. My younger kid makes me dinner and buys me a thoughtful present. My older kid gives me a card. If someone threw an event I’d be over the moon, so perhaps focus on that aspect and reframe it as you were hugely (!) lucky to be taken on a trip & pretty blessed to have anyone throw a garden party for you.

You know deep in your heart that you should extremely blessed to have family that you love you so much that they can not bear for you to have no celebration at all. I imagine they must be finding you very ungrateful and hard work now, but with gritted teeth are trying to make the day special (or never hear the end of it)

Go along, have a drink and stop moaning about everything. We have ALL had so many disappointments and cancellations, including your brother I imagine. No one has come out of this unscathed. I had no birthday celebration whatsoever on my milestone birthday, as we were properly locked down and didn't even receive cards - they came a week later! I did not care one bit. I am an adult, and can cope with a rubbish birthday.

So please stop the pity party, rebook your trip for next year, and be glad your family are so caring and are TRYING give you a day to remember - you might even enjoy it

I get you, however we had to cancel my trip to see my family abroad for my birthday AND the fancy States trip to see my best friend, we couldn’t order takeaway and I worked a 16 hour shift on my birthday in my non essential role.

I WISH I’d had something like that for my birthday, I wish I could just see my family.

We have to reschedule our trips, and cook dinner at home at 7 in the morning before I went back to work at 2pm.

You won’t feel any better throwing yourself a pity party, even if you feel like it. Think of it as a break up, you’re sad and wallow in it when it first happens but then you get on with life and go out.

Count yourself lucky that you have people to spend your birthday with, my birthday goes ignored year on year and now I doubt there are more than two people who know when it is.

It sounds like they are doing it to make themselves feel better. Don't go if you don't want to. Feign illness if necessary.

Personally I don't enjoy my birthday anyway, the one thing I am grateful for is that it came before lockdown so I haven't had to endure a well intentioned zoom party.

Don’t go OP - it’s really annoying when adults are forced into things because someone else decides that’s what they want/need and doesn’t respect their wishes.

Women placating people and going against their own wishes is really annoying as well, especially when it is likely a forum of women telling them to put aside their own feelings on their own birthday to keep everyone else happy.

crikey I certainly would have said exactly the same to a man!!!

Pity parties for one about a birthday of all things (regardless of gender) in a pandemic that has seen a death rate approaching 50,000 is never going to go down well is it?

We don't have to make everything about gender.

I agree. I would have said this to a man as well. It’s got fuck all to do with genders

Can you tell your brother you’re feeling unwell.

They sound kind and well meaning, and my instinct is to suggest you grit your teeth and give it a go. Can see it’s frustrating though that they haven’t really listened to you. I think some people (I’m a bit like this) struggle to accept that other people wouldn’t want to celebrate their birthday. Although this isn’t a very understanding attitude I’ve known people who’ve said they didn’t want anything and then were pissed off that nothing was arranged. Perhaps they think you’ll enjoy it on the day.
If you know for sure that you don’t want to go to the BBQ, tell them now that you’re not coming.

It’s ok to feel disappointed op. But refusing to go to a birthday your family is lovingly organising for you because you’d rather wallow in your own misery is just pathetic. It sounds a bit attention seeking, like you’d rather people feel sorry for you than enjoy celebrating with them

PS: Please don’t, as a PP suggests, lie about being ill. For one thing your husband will know you’re not. And for another, many people actually ARE ill at the moment.

@seenbeensbean I agree. My last birthday I took my kids to the museum, then came home and had a bottle of wine by myself. Not out of choice, but because no one gave a shit. I know it can be hard to feel grateful for things that you’re used to, but if even one person on this planet ever arranged a party for me I’d be ecstatic. I really can’t understand this attitude of ‘I’m pissed off with my family because they’re arranging a lovely birthday for me, because I didn’t manage to get EXACTLY what I wanted, so I’m gonna stamp my feet and pout and refuse to go’.

'You would have felt 100000x worse if they’d done fuck all for you and shrugged their shoulders and just said, oh well that’s shit about your birthday but not a lot we can do.
Trust me. '

I suspect this is true. I'm very torn - I understand how annoying it must be to feel jollied into something you don't really want and is, on the face of it, a very poor substitute for what you did want, but actually I do think you are being a bit self-absorbed and self-pitying. It's not that you don't like parties full stop - you mention the 'big flashy do' others had with envy. I think being ungrateful and ungracious about this has the potential to cause a lot of damage to your relationships. (And I am rather at the PP who poured cold water on her dh and children's (!) sweet French idea). See it as an act of love from people who care about you and would like you to be happy. No 'forcing' about it - it's just not usual (to avoid the word 'normal') for people to actively seek to stay in their own unhappiness, and your brother and sister are finding that hard to understand.

None of this means your feelings are invalid. Of course you're disappointed, along with thousands of others in the same boat. But you can feel sorry for yourself and mope and also appreciate a gesture of love done by people who would like you to have at least something to look back on with a smile. Why don't you take the morning of the party to have a good old mope and wallow, then go to it - just thinking 'nice afternoon/evening hanging out in the garden with people I care about'?

It's YOUR birthday OP. You get to feel how YOU feel. Sod all to do with anyone else, so don't let them make you feel bad.

I lost a big anniversary, and it's looking like I will lose a big birthday too. I'm gutted. And no, it is NOT the same celebrating it on another date. So, I understand.

Go get pissed really early on (pre load!) go home early ....

YABU and ungrateful. You are so lucky to have such kind and generous family. Some people have neither this nor the opportunity to go on any holiday, let alone a special one. At least you will get to go next year.

Appreciate what you have, but choose to wallow in self pity if you prefer.

It's all relative isn't it. They had their big dos, relative to normal life. You are having a big do relative to our current life. It really is one of those choose your attitude times.

You could have some fun with it, make some outrageous diva demands.

But yes, you do need to give your head a wobble. Oh and I got you an early present...what is it? It's a grip, I heard you needed to get one

It's clear there a lot of people here who prefer to tell people how they should feel and what should make them happy rather than listen and accept them.

I'll give you an alternative OP - I have no relatives to organise anything like that for me, nor do I have 12 people to attend, or even 4 people. I don't even now have a partner to go on holiday with. My big birthday in a few years will be a gift voucher from colleagues (standard, everyone gets the same for birthdays,), maybe a few greetings on social media, and that's all. No heaps of cards, no people wanting to see me. Nothing.

You had a holiday planned. You can still do that next year. In the meantime you have a party planned for you. I'd be so happy that anyone gave enough of a shit to organise anything for my birthday. But hey, crack on with feeling it's not good enough for you.

I think you’re being a bit of a diva to be fair. You can be sad all week but just have some food and drinks with your family. You never know you might actually enjoy it I also think the Paris poster was so ungrateful too. What a thoughtful gesture from the DH and kids and she’d rather be a spoil sport

Are you going to be six and your party has been cancelled?

People are complex creatures..they have their reasons for feeling the way they do, most of which they won't even be aware of themselves..it's really not on to tell people they can't feel something or else they are being horrible..it's reducing them to a "one size fits all" category. We are individuals. Not The Borg Collective.

Tell them again you don't want a party and you won't go. Then don't go.