Forcing people to feel happy

[DBML]

Next week I was supposed to be going abroad somewhere very special with my husband to celebrate my birthday. It’s a big birthday and I’ve been excited for a while. Obviously it’s cancelled due to Covid and I feel depressed, disappointed and sad about it. I know it’s not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help how I feel.

My brother and sister have taken it upon themselves to throw me a outdoor BBQ party at the weekend - about 12 people, on the day I should have been going away.
My husband had a big flashy do, my brother had a big flashy do and I get a Covid social distancing BBQ. I know they are doing their best, but really, I’d rather just forget it.

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful, but I don’t know why they are insisting on doing this when I really don’t want them to and I’ve asked them not to. I feel miserable and I want to be allowed to feel a little sorry for myself and mope about my cancelled holiday. Instead I feel like I’m being forced to try to enjoy myself. I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home.

I know I’m being unreasonable and I know I should be grateful. I know there are people who have lost loved ones for goodness sake and I’m whinging about a lost vacation. I just feel a bit depressed and I guess I need people to tell me to man-up and remember how lucky I am.

Sorry, I just needed to get it out.

We found trying to recreate stuff in lockdown actually made it worse. Dd aged 11 was sad that a massive dance event where a group were performing was cancelled. I had the bright idea of the group doing it via zoom at the time they should have been performing. It was pretty lame. Dd ended up in tears as it kind of rammed it home. Won’t do that again!

Will you ever get to go on the holiday?

My honeymoon had to be cancelled due to the death of a grandparent (put a bit of dampener on the wedding) but we went away to the same place a year later.

I hate being made to be jolly, like on New Year's Eve when is rather just go to bed. But for other people's sake I usually go alone with a party.
OP, your family obviously want to have a BBQ. Your birthday is a good excuse. They care for you.

You either firmly say no you're not going because you don't feel up to it, or go and celebrate your birthday and try to forget your disappointment for a while. You've had quite a lot of notice that you wouldn't be going on the trip anytime soon. How long are you going to be disappointed for?

You do sound rather ungrateful. I understand that the birthday you had planned cannot be and that you are disappointed, but your family are trying to do something to make up for your disappointment, and presumably are doing it because they love you. Go along with their plans, and if you change your attitude you might just find you have a lovely day. Some people don't have family/friends who would do this for them, be thankful you do.

Look, your holiday isn’t cancelled isn’t it? You’ll still be able to go when it’s safe to.

Some people don’t even get the luxury of a bbq for their birthday, consider that maybe?

If it's going to make you feel worse then just say so and cancel it. You can do so graciously but there is no point doing something just for the sake of it.

I can't stand any acknowledgement of my birthday at all. If this was planned for mine I would politely but firmly decline.

I had a special birthday near the start of lockdown, it and all the trips and meals out I have arranged have disappeared.
I've coped by telling DH that this doesn't count as my birthday and we're redoing it next year. So you still get your trip away and the bbq.

I get it. I detest my birthday and have done for about 25 years. Really really would prefer it to go unmarked. Last year was a ‘big’ birthday and a friend booked a night out. I ‘had’ to go . I went and slapped a smile on and ‘enjoyed’ it but came home feeling emotionally exhausted and so relieved to be home. It was incredibly kind of my friend to organise an evening but I won’t let it happen again. Ideal birthday to me - lie in, gym, gardening, bath, food, wine, sofa, bed.

If it’ll make you miserable, say so (kindly) to your family.

Thing is you don't want it because your feeling down about it but you haven't stopped to see that your already moaning about it before the day and everyone has most likely had to hear about how your birthday is ruined so you're moping about far longer so your family do something to make the best of the situation and rather then be grateful you just want to continue in your self pity not realising everyone else can see it.

My sister was exactly the dame a big 40 birthday in middle of covid and couldnt have visitors. She moaned weeks up to it, to the point I just snapped at her to get over it.

You should realise how lucky you are that you have people throw you a party. Others don't. Your lucky you have a birthday at a time of the year people can do things on your birthday.

My birthday is bang after xmas day and there will never be a party on my actual day I have with my friends coming because everyone is with their families. It's just the way it is but I'm not going to mope about it all the time. Make the best of any situation

If you are absolutely certain you don't want a celebration of any kind, then you need to be clearer in your communication with your brother. The way you worded it to your brother, it sounded more like a collaborative decision, and that your reluctance might be overcome by a bit of jollity on his part. Just tell him clearly that you do not want a party, and keep telling him until he gets the message.

What big birthday, a teenager are we? You’d probably still be moaning if everyone had ignored your birthday, then you could be extra miserable. Keep dreaming about that holiday you have to look forward to.

You should do what you want on your birthday. If you don’t go I’m sure they’ll still do the BBQ without you.
I don’t like celebrating my birthday either, due to my reasons.

Would you feel better or worse if no one said let’s do something?

Can none of them count up to 6? It is your birthday, do what you want to do. Could you go for a day out somewhere? Amazed at the number of people who think that others should decide how you celebrate your birthday. Even my 10yr old has some influence over what he does for his birthday and who he does it with.

YANBU OP
I’m like you - if I am sad or miserable I just need to feel it and process it. I don’t mind people trying to cheer me up but get the rage if people have a go at me for feeling an emotion!
If you need to wallow to process it then you wallow.

I have a friend like you. I literally cringe inside when she says things like this too. It’s a big birthday because people say they are, that’s all. They aren’t. Your a grown adult. Grow up.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I see you're getting the mix of ah what a shame, you don't have to go, oh don't be silly, just go.

My advice having also had a special birthday cancelled due to all this? Get a bottle of salted caramel stoli vodka. Amazon or waitrose. And drink it neat, preferably straight out of the bottle, and get completely wankered. It worked for me. Do it at the BBQ, do it at home on your own, whatever. But it'll help for the few hours it takes you to drink it. Find someone you like to share it with so you don't poison yourself.

Totally outed myself there really. But this should make you smile. I went to waitrose to buy mine and the checkout person asked all about this new vodka she'd never seen before. She asked me what you drink it with. I said straight out of the bottle. She nearly fell over.

@MsTSwift

We found trying to recreate stuff in lockdown actually made it worse. Dd aged 11 was sad that a massive dance event where a group were performing was cancelled. I had the bright idea of the group doing it via zoom at the time they should have been performing. It was pretty lame. Dd ended up in tears as it kind of rammed it home. Won’t do that again!

This makes sense. Sometimes you'd just rather grieve what you haven't got by yourself than have a less good substitute. No harm in offering, it just doesn't work for everyone.

Perhaps going might put it in perspective and the old idea of putting on a smile has some validity. They are trying to be kind and you seem to want to wallow in self pity - which isn’t helpful to you. Sitting around being miserable for no genuine reason is bad for you. A deferred holiday is a bit disappointing not something to lock yourself away in misery about.

God some of you really are miserable. I have a big birthday coming up and I’m pissed off all of my plans are cancelled. Just because you don’t think someone should celebrate does not mean the shouldn’t. And, why the hell should they celebrate on someone else’s terms! I hear you OP!

I have been thinking about this thread, and I wonder if you have depression op? Your reaction to the disappointment is very extreme, and the wallowing in misery may come across as indulgent, but actually is quite a serious depression setting in.

Get some help if you continue to feel this way. It isn't normal to be so upset about a holiday, nor so sad with a party that has been arranged for you. I wonder if your family are worrying about your MH and are doing their level best to help you feel better....

I think OP is getting responses like this because of all the disappointments and set backs we experience in life (and there are many and they can be crushing) being prevented from going on a birthday trip is not one of them. And if this is the height of OP’s suffering, she must have a pretty good life

Aw don't be like that. Sure its disappointing. But its life. Have your sulk, and move on. Enjoy your bbq. Something amazing could happen.

Oh FGS- noone can "force" you to be happy if you dont want to. I agree with other posters that you need to grow up and just tell them to cancel it.
Youre acting like some helpless child who has no control over their life- tell them you dont want the party and then you can be as miserable and moody as you like on the day which should bring you some "happiness."

I think your brother and sister are planning something really nice for you and in your place, I would go, put on a brave face and probably enjoy it. When all restrictions are eased, you and your husband can go away somewhere special.

However I do understand about not wanting to be 'forced' to be happy. It just doesn't work. If you are unhappy that is how you are. Nevertheless it is best not to inflict how you feel on anyone else because there is nothing they can do and they will feel unhappy too.

Reduced birthday celebrations are not a big deal in the scheme of things, especially if you are well and have good things to look forward to in the future.

"I feel like complaining to the council about my own party, just so they’ll come and make everyone go home." That is unbelievably mean spirited, do you really believe the council would do anything anyway now that lockdown is easing and people are allowed to get together in their garden (some people have been getting together for a while anyway, according to threads on Mumsnet). How very unkind. You say it is a 'special' birthday but you sound very young.

Try to be graceful. Your brother and sister are lovely to even think of doing something at this time! You're fortunate to have a thoughtful bro and sis. Their party may end up being so much nicer than anything you would have planned, really touching and something to remember forever. Do take lots of photos. You've said you don't want anything but lots of people say that because they don't want anyone to go to a lot of trouble, etc, which is probably why they are ignoring your request.

By all means be miserable but do it on your own.

Happy birthday in advance , and MANY MORE!