Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

Of course, Harriet. That’s largely my point. Too old, too young, too poor, ugly, lacking in intelligence - a thousand reasons not to have a baby or why a child might grow up and bitterly resent you. Most don’t, because for the most part, we aren’t perfect ourselves and don’t have the right to demand it from others.

What I am trying to say is that there is no real difference between ‘I was embarrassed by my old parents at school’ and ‘I was embarrassed by my disabled / unattractive / uneducated parents at school.’ Frankly, get over it!

@Iusedtobeabletorun you’re persistently focusing on what your kids think of you as being the major issue with having a child as an older parent. You’re ignoring the other stuff, which can be much more serious.

For me, having had real life experience of it, the impact on an existing child if it all doesn’t go smoothly with a second born at advanced maternal age, can be massive and life changing. Forever. Long after the parents have gone. I’m perfectly entitled to this opinion just as you’re entitled to ignore it.

You tend to be more carefully monitored as an older mum.

Of course risks etc should be taken into account but ultimately special needs can happen at any age or stage and a healthy child doesn’t mean they will stay that way.

It’s a bit like abortions isn’t it? If you don’t want one then don’t have one, but don’t speak for another woman.

Sorry @iusedtobeabletorun I think you’ve missed that this is a thread where the OP asked for opinions as to whether she’s too old. I’m giving my opinion. I think it’s too old. It’s a shame that upsets you and you seem to think I shouldn’t be able to say so but that’s the whole point of this thread. Just be happy with your own choices and don’t bother reading anymore if you don’t like people having different opinions from you.

If you're happy being 50 when your child is five (and that's if you conceive straight away), then fine. But I wouldn't be. You won't be around for very long for your child and that's unreasonable.

(You don’t need to tag me - I’m on the thread!)

But harriet people are not answering in the specific, are they, but in the general. Fine to say in your shoes I wouldn’t because XYZ, but there are some horrible responses about the embarrassment of older parents, the accusations of ‘selfish’, the horror at having a teen in your sixties

It is fine to discuss with the Op. I suppose what I am objecting to is the generalist nature of the responses which are unpleasant to read.

But the whole point is it’s a question of balancing risks which by their nature are general. In general older mothers are more likely to miscarry. In general they’re more likely to have health issues in pregnancy. In general they’re more likely to die when their children are at a younger age. In general they have less energy than if they were younger etc etc.

I haven’t personally said anything about selfishness or banged on about how teenagers feel having older parents. It’s obvious why you’re sensitive about it but hopefully all will be well for you.

I was almost 44 when I gave birth to my only child

Took 10yrs ttc and 5 ivf and many thousands to make my dream of a mummy come true

If you feel fit and healthy then go for it

Possibly you won’t conceive naturally so depends if you would try ivf to speed the process up

And if sleepless nights then hire a maternity nurse Or night nanny (what I am) and help encourage routine and good sleeping habits from early age

I know you haven’t Harriet, I’ve done what I was cross about myself and generalised

I’d personally rather risk a miscarriage than not have a baby at all. I’m surprised anyone would feel differently - I accept they might - but sad as they are, they do happen, and I think most people know that. It’s like anything, there’s a risk but if you really want a child, it’s so worth it!

At least I was honest about being slightly embarrassed about having older parents
I was also upset when I found mum dead when I was 21
I was also really upset when I had to tell my dying father his beloved wife had died. I had the gumption to tell him and not let the nurses in the hospital tell him for me. He died three weeks later
So call my comments awful if you just but this was my reality.
I also said other things in my comments that were not awful you have just latched onto the one major negative point that I had and twisted it. That's fair enough, I went on to say I donated eggs to someone a decade older than me and that if she could get her husband on board to go for it.
As I also reiterated times have changed. It's not so much about my parents being older, I felt that I didn't have them for long enough

I personally would not, but people are different.

Write all the pros and cons on a page, look at it with your h and make a decision together.

I think it’s different if you’ve already got a child though. You might think that you’re giving them the gift of a sibling. But in fact you going through traumatic miscarriages and/or potentially giving birth to a child with additional needs could ruin their lives.

As I said up thread, my mother ended up sacrificing her career, marriage, and basically her life caring for her disabled sibling. It had a huge impact on my life too. Of course you can have a disabled child at any age but it’s more likely if you’re older. If you have a healthy child then you should consider downsides to them as well.

Most people are embarrassed by their parents sara and most people grow out of it.

harriet I am sure you do not mean it the way it sounds but you are bordering on sounding a little disabilitist.

Do you actually have any experience of living with someone with profound disabilities? I loved and adored my relative. I would have done anything for them. As did my mother, and indeed she did do, and sacrificed, everything for them.

The fact that a disabled sibling could affect the life of the child she has is is risk that the OP should consider. It has nothing to do with being “disabilitist” (which isn’t a word).

Iused of course kids are embarrassed about their parents, but the only thing I was slightly embarrassed about was their age. I didn't stop me loving them. That is all I said, did you read that I grieved a hurt when they died? Or did that bypass you too?

I know (and yes, I do ) which is why I said bordering on.

I would also not knowingly continue a pregnancy with downs for example.

But I am also not comfortable with all additional needs being tarnished as something that will ruin the lives of those around them. They also really, really aren’t the remit of older parents. It’s just a risk you take when you have a baby.

My dad was 44 when I was born. I really didn't like the fact that my parents were so old growing up and still don't. I remember them both having afternoon naps at the weekend when I was a kid and being bored and children at school saying 'it can't be your dad it must be your grandad'

It's a completely different experience growing up when your parents are nearly half a century older than you. The gap is just so wide and never closes. My dad has been a pensioner.since I was a very young adult.

That is my experience anyway. Only you and your husband can decide what you both want to do. Good luck with whichever path you choose.

I haven’t said anything remotely like all additional needs will ruin the lives of all those around them. I have been really clear. I’m talking specifically about the life of the child she has. It’s a simple fact that the risk of additional needs are higher with older parents (male and female). ASD for example has been linked to older fathers and there is no test for that.

Even on a much smaller scale, I’ve had multiple mcs (between the ages of 30 and 33) and had my son in the middle of them. Trying to conceive my second has been a miserable experience and the pregnancy has been tough. I have been ill and exhausted and depressed and haven’t been as good a mother to my toddler as I would have liked. The OP could well lose the next 2-3 years trying to have another and possibly failing and missing out on happy times with her child in the process.

Again, this is my opinion. I wouldn’t do it in the OP’s position.

I don’t think you’re too old. I know mums who had their last baby older than you are now. (In London.)

Health risks aside - and there are some significant ones such as Downs etc - I think a lot of the alleged “selfishness” argument about older mothers is basically misogyny if you unpick it.

All the supposed arguments in favour of having kids younger apart from that are in fact negatives in my view. The supposed better “energy” you are supposed to have in your 20s is vastly overstated. A healthy 40 something who looks after themselves is just as able to cope with small kids as a younger woman.

And fundamentally I think people with more life experience, financial security and self knowledge make better parents.

A 20 something woman with maybe two years work and one serious relationship under her belt, never having studied, travelled, made and lost friends and formed considered opinions is not automatically imbued with qualities that make her a better mother - the reverse if anything.

I think the bottom line is people feel a mixture of envy that they see women being both established and mothered and also that they are full of patriarchal bullshit about it not being “natural”. I really don’t think the arguments for younger parenthood - apart from the health ones - hold water and I think it’s time people were called out on it.

I dint think you're too old

And fundamentally I think people with more life experience, financial security and self knowledge make better parents.A 20 something woman with maybe two years work and one serious relationship under her belt, never having studied, travelled, made and lost friends and formed considered opinions is not automatically imbued with qualities that make her a better mother - the reverse if anything.

Does this make you feel better? Can you only justify having a baby at 44 by slagging off younger parents? If that's the "life experience and self knowledge" you have gained then I'm really not convinced of it's worth in parenting.

Those things may not have "imbued her with qualities that make her a better mother" but biologically that 22 year old woman is statistically more likely to conceive, have a safer pregnancy and delivery and a healthy baby. I'm sorry if women don't like that, if there's a God yeah sure let's drag him over the coals for being misogynistic for reducing a woman's fertile health at a supposedly young age by our modern standards.

I for one do not agree that, if I had the choice (not everyone does) a few extra relationships and money in the bank outweighs having a baby at a biologically preferable age, especially when you have an older sibling to consider.

@thepeopleversuswork no people dont need to be called out for it - I think it's too old for precisely the health reasons - not just now but potentially later on in life. as far as reasons go, I think it's a pretty bloody significant one.

also I'm 25 with children. been in the same career for 6 years and hold a senior position, I'm married, financially secure and wowee have travelled aswell! my children have joined me! and I'm a great mum thanks! so frankly, you can shove that where the sun dont shine

20 something woman with maybe two years work and one serious relationship under her belt, never having studied, travelled, made and lost friends and formed considered opinions is not automatically imbued with qualities that make her a better mother - the reverse if anything.

Do you know who has traditionally married late, had time for a career, education and travel?

Men.

I don't think Dad was traditionally seen as the better carer though, primarily because none of those things are necessary for being a good parent