Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

60 with a 15yr old
PMSL at this one.
60 is not 90.
DH is 60.
Still has all his teeth.
At the top of his game professionally.
Still cycles most days (up to 50 miles).
Still plays footie/cricket with teenage sons. Goes to concerts and out with pals.
Living life to the max really.

Our DC know what an amazing Dad they have, he has twice the energy of most of their friends Fathers.
60 does not mean a foot in the grave.

Personally the risks would worry me but that is just my opinion

Sounds more like your husband doesn’t want one so if that’s the case it doesn’t matter if you are too old or not.

The increased risk of complications and SN would make it a massive no for me. Energy wise etc is very individual so I wouldn't write it off on those grounds but I would due to the increased risks.

I don't think you are too old.

I am 43 and we're not having more due to my age - but if we hadn't had our two then we would still be trying. A close friend of mine had hers at 42 and 44 and is a fabulous and energetic mum. You just have to be clear in what the risks are (and the benefits).

I’m intrigued by the poster who’s dad is struggling at 55!

I’m 56, work 3 days a week in a very active job, and have dd13. I don’t have time to struggle, l have to get on with it.

But l don’t feel that l struggle in any way. 55 is not old!

I remember my dad at 52 and me at 17 thinking he was ancient

Our DC know what an amazing Dad they have, he has twice the energy of most of their friends Fathers.60 does not mean a foot in the grave.

All you've done there is prove that for most people 60 would be quite old. Most 60 year old men are not biking 50 miles a day and even if the OP was, her eggs will be feeling their age even if she isn't.

Its entirely personal.
Personally I wouldn't due to the highter statistics of leaving the child an orphan young. Which is statistically more likely. Losing parents as young adults is awful unless you have a healthy life into your 90s ( again statistically rare) your child .

And yes I know anyone can die anytime etc but this reason would stop me. I would not ( in my 30s) have wanted elderly parents.
Most elderly people do slow down, need help etc.

I think it was different in previous generations, my grandmothers last child was at 46 but the child have ten older siblings, so wadnt left with elderly care ie no older 'parental' figures.

Goid luck on your decision.

How old is your husband? Your energy level will go down much more quickly than you can imagine at 45. It's hard to parent a teenager in your 60s. It's just not a great combination. Teenagers are strong willed people

I am parenting teenagers.
I didn’t find my energy levels decreased at 45.

I am nearly 60 and after a horrible few years we are coming out of this stronger and teenage dc and I are setting up our own business.

I have never noticed that dc have ever been strong willed apart from where money is concerned. I tread the path between being a hands off but over involved parent.

The trick is to guide them when it comes to decisions give them options and talk them through but let them come to their own conclusions and be there to pick up the pieces if it doesn’t work out and don’t have many rules. It isn’t about being strong or having energy it is about how you talk to them, the dialogue from when they were first born.

@Zebracatdon’t Of course the posts from those who have/had older parents are relevant. They have the lived experience. You're just not because most aren't saying what you want to hear.

My mother was too old when she had me at 25.

It isn’t about the number of years you have lived more about your attitude

I have friends who I think are old and they are 10 years younger than me.

I think years ago people were a lot older in their thinking than people today.

So I do think that older parents in the 70s and 80s were conforming to societies standards of what they should be doing at a certain age. Whilst now, there are older parents who are mentally older in their ways but without that need to conform there are older parents who are much younger and fitter than their peers in their outlook
Iyswim

I am in London and I don’t think our children were embarrassed by their older parents as we were all the same age.

I was very late 30s and very early 40s when I gave birth to Dd and Ds.
I was no where near the oldest and was probably in the younger 1/2 of the NCT group

@motherheroic😒 I am not so invested in a complete strangers family size or age that I want to hear anything. People have asked the op to consider how it will be when the child is a teenager and she is 60, and that is something I know about. I also know that at 22, after having my first baby, I wasn’t sure if I could get away with wearing jeans any more. I think you would agree that times have changed.
I don’t know about having a baby at 44, because I didn’t. Our youngest is adopted.

All these posts about how old you “feel” are kind of missing the point. Your eggs and your husband’s sperm don’t care about that - they will have aged. It will be harder for you to conceive and if you do it’s more likely the baby will have issues. This could affect your existing child’s quality of life for the rest of their life.

And feeling younger and being fit and healthy sadly doesn’t actually turn back the clock or change the stats on average lifespan.

And while you may think you’ve got the boundless energy of a 20 year old, your kids will be very much aware that you are not in fact 20 and they might not like it. These are all just facts.

Yet, harriet, you know as well as I do that if a 20 year old started a thread saying she wanted a baby she would be flamed to a crisp.

Maybe, just maybe, we need to see our families as individual choices and respect those. No ones parents are perfect, any more than any child is. Some are too old, some too young, ugly, unfit, tired, poor, short, tall, but for the most part we love them and wouldn’t want different ones.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

It wasn't me but my dad had a heart attack at 51, he worked a more than full time job. Still does now and struggles, no way would he cope with kids.

I don’t think a 20 year old would be flamed...depends on the circumstances surely.

Saying no one’s family is perfect is both obvious and irrelevant and doesn’t change the fact that choosing to have a baby in your 40s is a risky move (more risky than it would be at a younger age), and potentially selfish if you have a healthy child to think about.

The OP has specifically asked for people’s views as to whether she’s too old. If she wanted some wishy washy “no one is perfect everyone makes their own choices” type response then what would have been the point in asking the question?

I had my last at 44 naturally. I didn't feel too old, and I don't feel old now at 47. When I did try to conceive, I expected that there was a possibility I may have a miscarriage, and I expected to have the harmony test once pregnant to find out quickly if there were potential issues. I also set a time limit on how long is try.
If you want another child, go ahead and try. It's nobody's business. Good luck.

There are some truly awful comments on this thread. I think it's important to point out statistics, facts, things to consider but some of the comments are ridiculous.

Not all of us are lucky enough to meet the right man in our 20's and start making babies straight away (not everyone wants to do this). I met DH at age 37, pregnant at 38 and gave birth at 39. I'm currently 7wks pregnant at 42 after trying for number 2 for 18mths. According to some of you that makes me a selfish, horrible person who's child (if it does actually survive) is destined to live a terrible life.

I'm an excellent parent, my toddler is the happiest, smiliest, independent, clever little boy and is my entire world. I work, I'm studying for my second degree, we have a beautiful home, tons of energy, he could not have a better life. He has loving extended family, we swim, ride bikes, go on adventures, travel.
I have NO concerns with my age as a parent. I do of course have worries about my new baby's health and will be getting NIPT testing, as do lots of younger parents.

My dad was in his 40's when I was born. He is now 83 and walks miles every day. He has no bother keeping up with my toddler. I'm sad he won't live long enough to see my DS become an adult but have many many friends with much younger parents who have died. I'm one of the few who still has two.

I work for Children's Services. Shit parents are shit parents, age is NOT a general factor.

On here, Harriet?

‘AIBU to have a baby at 20?’

MNetters at 20 are at university, partying hard, travelling and living it up. (Apparently.) Not with a baby.

I am 40 and pregnant, have had every test going, if I die prematurely then I’m so sorry for my child but I can’t possibly predict that. I cannot and will not let something natural, albeit sad, to dictate my desire for a family.

Your job as a mother or father is not to clear all obstacles out of the way. It is to raise a child to cope with them.

I posted earlier and I was slightly embarrassed at having older parents because I was shallower than a shot glass full of water at that time. Fortunately I had fantastic parents. They just didn't have the best luck health wise. And they were the oldest parents at the school I went to baring in mind I was an only child to my mum and lived miles away from my sibs on my dad's side. This was in the mid 80s and 90s, all the other kids thought they were my grandparents. Not saying I'm not grateful to be born or that I wish I could change etc. I understand circumstances are different for everyone. I also donated eggs to a friend 10 years older than me. It's not a criticism it's an opinion. I also reiterate that if she can get hubby on-board then go for it.

@iusedtobeabletorun great you’ve made a decision you’re happy with. It doesn’t make the stats any different. You can’t test for everything in pregnancy.

You’re being a bit facetious if you’re seriously saying the options are pregnancy at 20 or 40+. There’s a massive middle ground.

You didn’t start a thread asking if you were too old but the OP did so there’s no need to take offence at people responding to the OP’s actual question just because you don’t like the answers with respect to yourself.

YANBU. I had my two DC at 42 and 44.5. It's been an absolute joy. I never feel too old and my second pregnancy was actually easier than my first. Both children beautiful, healthy and bright. Thrilled my first has now got a sibling- if anything I think children of older parents benefit more from siblings in the long run.

BTW. Nothing I've researched suggests children of older mothers are likely to be 'unhealthy' (with the exception of chromosome problems like DS or Edwards which are easily detectable now at 10-11 weeks by Harmony test).

At 44 you'd be fairly fortunate to conceive, but it's very possible especially as you already have children.

I'd say if you can cope with the higher likelihood of a possible miscarriage or two, go for it. It has been wonderful for me. I have friends in their early 40s with babies and they all seem to be loving the experience.

I'm not sure. I'm 40 and just had my third (and last) baby. I have to be honest it was a horrific pregnancy and it's taking me longer to recover than when I was in my 20s.
But I don't see it as being too old. My parents are still alive in their 70s, yet my FIL died in his early 50s so no guarantee you'll be alive for your children whatever age you have them.
Age isn't the issue, the issue is you and your husband want different things.

I would do it. Everyone feels a hundred years old when they have children anyway