Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

@kirinm my issue is with chromosome issues, the risk of Down's syndrome is 1 in 1200 in a woman of 25, by 40 its 1 in 100, by 49 it's 1 in 10 on the quick google I did (so can't vouch for how accurate that is) I appreciate you can test but that's still not a situation or decision I would want to be making. Obviously that's just one disease.

I'm pretty sure over the age of 40 you have a 1/10 chance of getting pregnant naturally and a 50% chance of miscarriage

What people don’t seem to think about when they say oh I know someone who had a baby at 45 and they’re fine” is that it doesn’t stay a baby.

So when you’re 55 the child will be ten and going into secondary in the next year. When they turn eighteen you’ll be 63 and having to work for another ten years to help them through further education and to still afford a pension.

Before they turn 30 you could possibly be suffering from dementia and/or need additional care.

It’s always a purely selfish decision to want a baby of course, but sometimes it’s more selfish than others.

I was referring to chromosome issues. And I believe the risk of miscarriage is very high too. You could talk it over with your GP. But there are a lot of facts and figures on the internet.

Plus if you have a child with additional needs who needs adult care who is going to look after that child for the 40 years of its life when you’re dead.

There is of course always going to be a period of life when a parent passes before the child and where if that child needs additional care this needs to be considered. But it’s likely that your capacity to provide that care may well run out far earlier than if you were younger, even if you’re still alive then.

It’s not reasonable then to expect the other sibling to step up and take responsibility, so they’ll feel responsible for both your care and that of the other child....

When they turn eighteen you’ll be 63 and having to work for another ten years to help them through further education and to still afford a pension.

Equally lots of people who have children later are much more financially secure and sorted than those who have them younger.

@indiamay - under 30s you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each cycle, over 40 it's 5%.

Rates of miscarriage are much higher.

@nother it's 1/40 at 40. But as you say and as I said, that is a starting point and not necessarily an accurate reflection. I take your point re having to make a decision if the risk is higher when screening is undertaken. Fortunately I've never been in that position.

@Viviennemary

I was referring to chromosome issues. And I believe the risk of miscarriage is very high too. You could talk it over with your GP. But there are a lot of facts and figures on the internet.

I am aware of the risks re chromosomal issues and risks of miscarriage. It is the constant reference to "additional needs" that I'm interested in finding out more about.

notheragain4

Sorry, I don't want this to turn into a slanging match, but you're misquoting me. It sounds like you're a good, successful (and possibly lucky) relatively young mum and good for you.

But I've had to read thousands of posts over the years from women throwing up their hands in horror at the idea of women having kids over the age of 40 as if it were unnatural, selfish and disgusting.

I'm pointing out again, leaving aside the real health and conception risks that there are some significant benefits to having children when you are likely to be more mature and established. You sound very sorted. But statistically, 20 somethings are far less likely to be financially independent than people in their 40s and have far less life experience.

I don't understand why you're taking it so personally. I'm just trying to point out the anomalies in what I see as bias against older mums which is based on nothing more than misogyny.

@kirinm me too.

In my professional life I meet more mums in their 20s and 30s with disabled kids. Some quite young parents too, coping with profoundly disabled children.
If the mum is older, the child/young person tends to be older as well.

Although there is a higher chance of DS and possibly ASD in the children of older mothers, my personal experience has not reflected this, and I have worked in this area for a long time.

@kirinm “chromosomal” issues doesn’t just mean Edwards, Pataus and Downs - those are just the ones they can reliably test for. There are many others which vary in severity/commonness. All are more likely the older you (and your partner) are. Over age 44 80-90% of your eggs are chromosomally abnormal. Some of those will lead to miscarriage and some will lead to a disabled child.

Of course you can have a disabled child at any age, but the older you are the more likely it is (you seem to have difficulty distinguishing between “likely” and “more likely” despite having it explained to you on this thread). For comparison, at 25-30, 25% of your eggs are abnormal; at 30-35 it’s 35%.

And chromosomal issues leave aside other ones eg ASD, or problems caused by pregnancy complications which are also a lot more likely in older women.

i had my daughter after my 44th birthday. She is nearly two now. I didnt waste time to conceive naturally and went straight to IVF. Best thing I ever did. But, this is very personal, only you know what your personal circumstances are. Best of luck.

@HarrietM87

Thank you for your condescending response. I am fully aware of the difference between "more likely" and "likely". It seems many of the posters on this thread do not and it was those people that I was referring to. Language is important and as can be seen by the many assumptions stated as fact on this thread, people have been getting the language wrong - as well as their statistics wrong.

I haven’t seen anyone on this thread using “likely” incorrectly, but I do recall you swearing at someone because you thought that “probability” meant inevitable. But anyway, hope this has helped. My statistics are not wrong.

I didn't swear at anyone. I used the word "fucking". I'm sorry if that offends you. You are wrong because quite a few people have used the word "likely" without using the word "more" first.

Erm...pretty sure that using “fucking” is swearing 🤣

You do seem to have a problem with language. I didn't swear at anyone. I swore in a post. That isn't the same thing.

Ok great. So the fact it was in response to another poster is irrelevant? Either way, you’re obviously really sensitive about this because the facts are upsetting to you, and resorting to insults sadly won’t change things. But hopefully you’ve got some more info now to do a bit of research yourself. Good luck!

notheragain4, you are rightly proud of your achievements but you must be aware you are a bit of an outlier. I don’t know where you are but in the U.K. it is quite unusual for graduates to have babies at 22, in addition all the other advantages that you list.

Nothing wrong with having children young but on a societal level there are some advantages to having them older. This does not, of course deny the obvious disadvantages of being over40.

Too old for me , my mums 45 I could never imagine her having a baby at that age especially as she's a grandma already.

My mother was 40. I hated having an old mum. Shallow I know, but kids and teens are

are what @laurelhedge ? I had dd at 40, she’d 8 now!!

I had my last baby at 41. It depends on your lifestyle. I was lucky enough to stay at home a while with him. It is much more tiring the older you are. I had my first at 25 and there is a massive difference.
The pregnancy was way way harder.
Depends how badly you want one. I would not swap him now but if you prepared for the tiredness etc then go for it.

You'll be as old as some of the grandparents at the school gates, which could cause your child some embarrassment.

This completely depends on where you live and certainly wouldn't be the case at the school my dc go to.

I'm your age my dc are in middle school and personally I wouldn't want to start again but I have friends you are parents for the first time at my age and very happy.

At my DC's school a 55 year old with a 10 year old would absolutely be assumed to be the Granny. I had older parents and hated it. I was teased for it constantly and really hated having to go out with them. With strangers I'd tell them they were my GP's.