Was she a terrible hostess, or was I a rude guest?

[PeopleAreAllWeveGot]

Im hoping someone might be able to help me to understand something that’s been really bothering me for almost a year now, whenever I think of it. I’ve name changed but long time member (penis beaker, cancel the cheque etc).

Last year, my dh and I went to stay with a Uni friend of his and his wife, & 2 kids.

I had met his mate a few times and he was nice. They’d been at our wedding but aside from brief hellos and thanks for coming I hadn’t spoken to his wife much.

I’d had our third child 3 months before we visited, so was feeling pretty fuzzy the entire time, but I can’t stop thinking about how awful his wife was to me when we were there! Whenever it pops into my head I wonder how I could have handled it better. And also whether I somehow misread the situation.

Mi dh had last visited them 10 years earlier, around the time I met him. I’d heard all about this trip, and the fact he’d chatted up a girl in a bar there and she’d not been interested (we were friends when we first got to know each other, because his long term ex had hurt him badly and he didn’t want to get serious too soon. Massively overshared with each other, but that’s another thread). It wasn’t a huge deal, he was talking about other girls he’d been chatting up in the next breath (!) And then a few months later, after i’d put a stop to the “friendship” and he’d done a bit of dating with others, he got back in touch and we ended up together. Now been married many years.

Anyway, back to this woman. Literally the first thing she spoke about, in front of some of their extended family who were there, was his last visit. But it was ALL about this girl he’d chatted up. She knew who the girl was from her husband (they live in a very small place). And she made a point of finding the girls picture online (local businessman’s daughter it seems) and showing everyone there while saying repetitively and loudly “she is totally out of your league! No wonder you didn’t get anywhere!!!”. She showed me the picture too, anything else would have been rude 😳 I was sort of “ah yes she’s lovely”, in a bemused way. She did say “not that you’re in his league. But you’ve just had a baby so...”

I thought that was probably just a bit of an unguarded weird moment from the wife. But over the course of a 3 night stay, she literally made a point of telling me 3 times that she’d really really liked Dh’s ex (who she had met just once at their wedding 12 years ago, and who’s name she had forgotten). Like REALLY lovely girl. She REALLY REALLY liked her. Ive net the girl and she’s very nice. I have nothing against her. It just felt so so over the tip and fake coming from this woman, especially as she genuinely had to be reminded the first time she said it who the ex was, what she looked like, and what her name was.

She was an amazing host to my kids and husband, like outstandingly welcoming and lovely. She is an incredible cook. She took us to meet their friends, and made efforts to keep us entertained. Their home was immaculate. There was just this glitch in the matrix when it came to me!

Honestly, I got the feeling she was actively trying to make me feel like crap. We were guests so of course I was just friendly and didn’t respond to the strange comments.

One morning my husband let me sleep in while he took the baby and the two kids on a walk. Friends wife made a hugely pointed comment when I came downstairs at 10, I can’t remember what it was but I got the very strong impression she thought I was the rudest guest in existence because I hadn’t woken early. Is it terrifically rude to sleep in when ones a guest? I wouldn’t usually do it, ever, but I was exhausted with the baby and it was such a lovely holiday treat I let it happen.

Basically when we left I felt so relieved never to have to see this woman again. But every few months the trip pops into my head and the full horror of it washes over me. AIBU for feeling like this? It makes me want to message her and say “that was a really tough time, and I can’t believe anyone would be such a bitch! Is it because I was huge and exhausted and you saw someone weak to prod? Because that makes you evil.” But obviously I won’t.

So, AIBU for thinking she was being bitchy? Or are these normal things to say and I was exhausted and being overly sensitive? Is it so rude for a guest to lie in, that they deserve to be put in their place? If she WAS being a cow, why would someone do that?

I think the posters who are saying the wife was railroaded might be on to something.

I once had a bizarre thing with my husband where he invited a bloke I'd never met over when we'd just moved house, to see our garden (as bloke was a keen gardener). I was in the middle of a three-day conference and just got a text informing me he was coming, and didn't think much of it, assuming I'd just say hello and let them get on with their garden chat. Details then emerged that said bloke was also bringing his wife, and that they were coming at 7:30, i.e. fairly universally acknowledged dinner time. It would be horribly awkward if they were expecting to be fed and we were waiting for them to leave before we ate, so I asked husband whether he'd accidentally organised a dinner party for me to host, and I suspect he took that as a green light to just ask them for dinner. It was a million degrees, I was shattered, and I just wanted to go home and flop bu instead had to go to the rammed supermarket to get emergency dinner supplies and drinks and lug them home; we also barely had a kitchen as we'd moved into a fixer upper, so hosting wasn't easy and I did it in very bad grace!

Then (just apropos comments here asking whether OP might have got up the host's nose by not offering to help enough) I just wanted half an hour to get dinner sorted and unwind whilst husband took care of his friends, but the wife instead left them and followed me into our tiny, postage-stamp-sized shell of a kitchen and sort of hovered around even when it was patently obvious she couldn't be helpful and was just in my way, and we made awkward small talk. I only raise that because sometimes you can piss off a host by doing something that is strictly polite and correct etiquette, if your host just isn't in the mood. I don't think she was interested in the garden, and I wasn't interested in chatting with them (they were a very weird couple) and it was just a general ball-drop on both husbands' behalf.

It didn't result in anyone being impolite and it wasn't uncomfortable or anything, so it's not really analogous, and her comments about your husband's other conquests were utterly rude and bizarre, but I do wonder if she was pre-disposed to be shitty with you for some reason that has nothing to do with you.

Missing the point slightly perhaps but why do posters feel the need to prove their provenance? I've seen this occasionally. Do they think referencing penis beaker etc will access you better advice? I don't think that's the case at all, as MNers seem helpful to old and new.

Not sure if this applies to her, OP, but I have a couple of insecure friends and they ALWAYS link the conversation back to stories about times the friendship group shared YEARS ago, often involving “in-jokes”, exes etc. Nearly everyone in the group is with newer partners who weren’t around when those stories took place. I think it’s a way of keeping control of the social situation as half the group can’t join in as they weren’t there.

@allthedamnvampires

It surprises me that posters fully expect other MNers will search their user name to check the length of their history! And yet you do get those weirdos posting “interesting first post OP ” or, “Express or Daily Fail?” so I think it’s possibly troll-bores who are to blame.

@allthedamnvampires

Missing the point slightly perhaps but why do posters feel the need to prove their provenance? I've seen this occasionally. Do they think referencing penis beaker etc will access you better advice? I don't think that's the case at all, as MNers seem helpful to old and new.

Ah I did this because I had name changed and people sometimes seem to think posters are making things up when they have no history. As it was, I only had one poster implying that... It doesn't actually prove anything I suppose as it would be easy to say it whether you've been here years or days, but it's seen to help limit the snarky suspicious posts

I think it probably weighs on your mind because everyone feels vulnerable when they are sleep deprived and have a newborn and she was basically trying to make you feel worse but in a really underhand way, with a smile, so you couldn't address it with her.

It's human nature to want to know 'why' but you're not going to find out. It wasn't because you had a lie in because no one would surely begrudge someone with a 3 month old a lie in at their husbands insintance, unless you all had plans that you pissed all over. And as you say she was like this as soon as she saw you.

My guess is that she is massively insecure and shallow and only feels good about herself when she is sucking up to people who they perceive as 'better' (eg richer / bigger house / posher accent / prettier / skinnier) while trying to put everyone else down to feel superior. You had a young baby, you were an easy target. It was nothing you did - it can't have been since she was like this immediately before she got to know you, and you've heard her comment on lots of other people in a horrible judgy way.

In short she is just a bitch. There's no point in bringing it up or confronting her about it now, she will deny or say she was joking or you took it the wrong way etc. Better to think of some witty retorts if you ever see her and she does it again (don't ask me I'm rubbish at that kind of thing!).

I always think it odd when people bring up stories from years ago out of the blue anyway .
My dh has a relative who brings up a story about me slightly embellished I'm not joking every time we see them so twice a year for the last 25 years .
It's not embarrassing for me but they have embellished it , it's the fact they bring it up in front of others and it may be someone who's not heard before so it's all explained again . I just find it cringe and odd because it's irrelevant to the conversation. It's like they enjoy making me feel uncomfortable so I can see what you mean .
Why would she bring it up it's odd unless it came into conversation.
Maybe she just didn't like you people don't always have to like each other .
I'd not worry you haven't done anything wrong and you weren't intentionally rude staying in bed late . If she's took offensive at that then that's because she doesn't like you so has found something to dislike about you .

Honestly I'd not worry about her again and forget about it .

I agree with bluntless, Personally I would have insisted on helping her. I cant imagine her being too happy about hosting another family of 5 for 3 days with three dc. All the food bought cooking cleaning making sure the rooms were made up and the cleaned up after you left. Did you give them a thankyou gift or treat them to dinner one night? How did you're dc behave? I'm not saying you're in the wrong however we only got you're pov hers could be entirely different. Sometimes people just take an dislike to someone.

Husband and I both offered to help lots. Our kids were good, honestly. We took them out for dinner one of the nights and also gave them gifts when we arrived.

I was going to send an extra gift afterwards but I just couldn't bring myself to as she was so horrible. Usually I would have sent something extra- she mentioned a wine cooler she wanted a couple of times and I would have searched that out and sent it.

I sometimes wonder if I'd feel better if I had. I usually would message again afterwards to say a big thank you. But again I couldn't bring myself to. And husband did of course, but it would have been a blokes "cheers made" which wouldn't have been passed on.

I guess part of what makes me dwell on it is, I don't think I was rude but I would have been a better guest if I hadn't felt judged and disliked. So it sort of brought me down to her level, if you see what I mean.

Thanks again to all who've posted.

She was rude to your husband too. She basically called him ugly and tried to humiliate him, she was trying to 'level' him.... how dare he try to bag someone good looking.

People who are insecure, go around trying to make themselves level with people they feel inferior to.
I call it 'levelling' they can do this by either telling everyone how great they are (boasting) or else by belittling others.
Does any of that make sound like it fits?
Because if she is going around constantly commenting about other people, she must feel very shit about herself.

And you know the old saying
'Hurt people hurt people.'

Let it go, feel sorry for her. She was rude to you and your husband, at least you never have to be around her again. Good luck.

I think she behaved oddly. A bit if a weirdo! Probably best to say out loud next time you relive this experience, "what a weirdo, go away!" Rarely I get negative experiences stuck in my mind too. I find the only way to make it go away is to say something. I usually say, " oh fuck off and go away".

She's simply a mean bitch
Forget it, never stay again, don't have them to stay with you

See, I think something happens to some people when they have house guests. The energy changes and they go all weird and territorial. It sounds to me like the first story she told about your DH chatting a girl up was just her feeling nervous and blurting out the first thing she thought of to make conversation, I do this too. After that she just felt like she was being awarded marks for her hostess skills and the stress of it turned her into a sarcastic bitch. My SIL did the same thing, perfectly reasonable woman turned into a ranting, nitpicking, ball of stress because she felt so overwhelmed and out of control when 5 people came to stay. These people really shouldn't have guests, it's totally her problem not yours.

I feel if you can pity horrible people rather than be angry at them it makes moving on a lot easier.
This ^^ OP! Put this sad little episode out of your mind now - you have, I'm sure, far better things to take up your mental energy.

Also I cringe at the idea of her telling mutual friends of our husbands that I was a terrible guest/rude whatever she will say.
I bet they know what she's like. In any case you can't do anything about what those people think. If/when you meet them they'll be able to make up their own minds.

Personally, when I have people to stay I welcome them getting up a bit later so I can start my day mentally coming to! And also - you know - because I want my guests to relax and enjoy their stay in my home.

Glad your DH is aware of your feelings - he sounds like a good egg. Next time though AirBnB or hotel! 🌷

Haven't read the full thread but sounds like she is very insecure and fancies your husband.

You were absolutely right not to text a thank you or send a gift. Don't reward bad behaviour.

Not read any replies - I think she's got the hots for your husband.

Some years back me & my H popped in to drop something off work related to his mate, I was baffled as his wife completely blanked me. Yet she laughed & giggled like a silly schoolgirl to my H. I laughed when we got outside as that had never happened to me before. H said that his mate who I'd met before had been saying to everyone at work how good looking I was, I really wasn't. H reached the conclusion that he'd also told his wife this. She's jealous of you OP, do not waste any more time on this ridiculous behaviour.

I don't think I was rude but I would have been a better guest if I hadn't felt judged and disliked

The thing is though, she likely felt the same back that you were judging her and disliked her. Which to be fair is basically true you were and do.

And in her own house whilst taking her hospitality. It went wrong the first night when she went on about the last time, and you basically took offence.

I think this is two people who got off on the wrong foot and took a dislike to one another. I’m sure her side of the story would,be a bit different.

They say there are three sides to every story. Yours theirs and the truth. I suspect this is the case here.

"These people really shouldn't have guests,"

Perhaps she didn't want to?

She was jealous, take it as a compliment

Why do posters think she was jealous?

If it's 10yrs since she saw Op's husband, perhaps she doesn't know him well-let alone Op!

That said, it does sound as if something was pissing her off & she took it out on Op.

But why does that make her jealous?

It isn't rude to sleep in till 10am in someone else's house if you are three months postpartum. That being said I would have stuck pins in my own eyes of dh had wanted to go stay with girlfriends that soon after I had a baby. It would be rude had you stayed asleep until after 12 though.

I really don't understand why she would mention other women your dh had been trying it on with or his ex in front of you several times. Maybe she does have feelings for him? I do think some people (men and women) like putting others down with backhanded compliments. She was rude to you and I wouldn't have to much to do with her or stay there again. Let it go now though.

I hope now that you have put it down on paper (IYGWIM) that it takes up no more of your headspace. She was a cowbag to you.