Was she a terrible hostess, or was I a rude guest?

[PeopleAreAllWeveGot]

Im hoping someone might be able to help me to understand something that’s been really bothering me for almost a year now, whenever I think of it. I’ve name changed but long time member (penis beaker, cancel the cheque etc).

Last year, my dh and I went to stay with a Uni friend of his and his wife, & 2 kids.

I had met his mate a few times and he was nice. They’d been at our wedding but aside from brief hellos and thanks for coming I hadn’t spoken to his wife much.

I’d had our third child 3 months before we visited, so was feeling pretty fuzzy the entire time, but I can’t stop thinking about how awful his wife was to me when we were there! Whenever it pops into my head I wonder how I could have handled it better. And also whether I somehow misread the situation.

Mi dh had last visited them 10 years earlier, around the time I met him. I’d heard all about this trip, and the fact he’d chatted up a girl in a bar there and she’d not been interested (we were friends when we first got to know each other, because his long term ex had hurt him badly and he didn’t want to get serious too soon. Massively overshared with each other, but that’s another thread). It wasn’t a huge deal, he was talking about other girls he’d been chatting up in the next breath (!) And then a few months later, after i’d put a stop to the “friendship” and he’d done a bit of dating with others, he got back in touch and we ended up together. Now been married many years.

Anyway, back to this woman. Literally the first thing she spoke about, in front of some of their extended family who were there, was his last visit. But it was ALL about this girl he’d chatted up. She knew who the girl was from her husband (they live in a very small place). And she made a point of finding the girls picture online (local businessman’s daughter it seems) and showing everyone there while saying repetitively and loudly “she is totally out of your league! No wonder you didn’t get anywhere!!!”. She showed me the picture too, anything else would have been rude 😳 I was sort of “ah yes she’s lovely”, in a bemused way. She did say “not that you’re in his league. But you’ve just had a baby so...”

I thought that was probably just a bit of an unguarded weird moment from the wife. But over the course of a 3 night stay, she literally made a point of telling me 3 times that she’d really really liked Dh’s ex (who she had met just once at their wedding 12 years ago, and who’s name she had forgotten). Like REALLY lovely girl. She REALLY REALLY liked her. Ive net the girl and she’s very nice. I have nothing against her. It just felt so so over the tip and fake coming from this woman, especially as she genuinely had to be reminded the first time she said it who the ex was, what she looked like, and what her name was.

She was an amazing host to my kids and husband, like outstandingly welcoming and lovely. She is an incredible cook. She took us to meet their friends, and made efforts to keep us entertained. Their home was immaculate. There was just this glitch in the matrix when it came to me!

Honestly, I got the feeling she was actively trying to make me feel like crap. We were guests so of course I was just friendly and didn’t respond to the strange comments.

One morning my husband let me sleep in while he took the baby and the two kids on a walk. Friends wife made a hugely pointed comment when I came downstairs at 10, I can’t remember what it was but I got the very strong impression she thought I was the rudest guest in existence because I hadn’t woken early. Is it terrifically rude to sleep in when ones a guest? I wouldn’t usually do it, ever, but I was exhausted with the baby and it was such a lovely holiday treat I let it happen.

Basically when we left I felt so relieved never to have to see this woman again. But every few months the trip pops into my head and the full horror of it washes over me. AIBU for feeling like this? It makes me want to message her and say “that was a really tough time, and I can’t believe anyone would be such a bitch! Is it because I was huge and exhausted and you saw someone weak to prod? Because that makes you evil.” But obviously I won’t.

So, AIBU for thinking she was being bitchy? Or are these normal things to say and I was exhausted and being overly sensitive? Is it so rude for a guest to lie in, that they deserve to be put in their place? If she WAS being a cow, why would someone do that?

Being a good host, to me, is about looking after guests and making them feel properly at home. So a lie-in would be fine by me, especially if the person having a lie-in had a small baby.

It's also about making your guests feel you love them being around and you want them to have a lovely time. This woman certainly failed in that department.

@PeopleAreAllWeveGot I dont think anyone is suggesting you were lazy at all.

Maybe the wife was annoyed already so took it out on you. Her husband is friends with your husband and yet she spends three days on hosting duties purely because she has a vagina. Women who accept that this is their place often swipe at the other women, rather than swipe at the men who were probably just lounging around. I could be completely wrong you will never know her motives. You may have said stuff yourself without realising you offended her. You will never know so just try forget about it.

Jesus it’s a 10am lie in, it’s not like you stayed in bed until lunch time. She was in no way inconvenienced by your lie in.
She’s just a twat, try not to take it personally. She sounds like a control freak who can’t handle anyone else muscling in on her precious uni friendship with your Dh.

She was really rude, no doubt about it
I certainly wouldn't have stayed more than one night! I wouldn't however have been enthralled about your lie in either. Assuming DP and his mate took all the kids out she"d be left home waiting for you to get up? I wouldn't dwell too much though, am assuming there wont be a recurrence.

She's in love with your husband.

If somebody slept til ten in my house id be relieved the bed hadnt been uncomfortable!!

[quote Sally872]@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine that is more reasonable than I expected. Perhaps it is better to be clear when asking such a sensitive question as many would assume you are being goady/mean.[/quote]
i hope the op understood,
but fair point, i should explain more

TBH I think the visit could turn into one of those amusing stories you tell some way down the years.

“Remember when Batshit Wife told me off for having a lie in until 10am when I’d just had new baby LOL.”

I wouldn’t message her, but I wouldn’t be going to stay with her ever again either. Just move on OP.

I find your post misogynistic

I don't think you know what 'misogynistic' means

Wel, sounds like her husband leaves all the grunt work to her and she's internalised enough misogyny that she takes it out on other women rather than addressing the problem. Whatever the reason, it's plainly not you, so put it out of your mind.

She was a bit bitchy yes, I’m wondering how she’d view you if it was mutual dislike. However I’m also of the opinion it’s not so bad that a year later you should still be going on about it.

Maybe she’s just socially inept with folks she doesn’t know, maybe she was a bit bitchy, maybe she was frazzled with having so many folks stay, maybe she didn’t like you, who knows, But a year later you should have passed this off by now and let it go.

She sounds like a class A cunt. Certainly don't dwell on it!

She's someone who gets a kick out of being queen bee and getting away with it.

She feels safe in the knowledge that she won't called called out on nasty behaviour because she hasn't been challenged.

She sees women as threats and men as admirers. Horrible.

Imagine actually being annoyed that someone with a three month old baby, someone who gave birth 12 weeks prior, had a 'lie in' until 10.

Your husband was up and about so the kids were being taken care of and you were simply sleeping.

She's a dick. I would be annoyed nobody had defended me because you were in an impossible situation - had you stood up for yourself she would have done a mock outrage along the lines of "oh my god it was ages ago, I didn't think you'd be insecure about people he chatted up before you were together!" Etc.

So maybe say to your husband that you know it sounds silly to ruminate over something so long ago but if it was to happen again could he please step in and have your back a bit.

Then let it lie. People like her are never happy, not really. They tear others down and don't like other women which is such a shame because it's hard enough being a woman without turning on each other!

Plenty of wonderful people in the world, don't waste any more time thinking about her

She sounds pretty nasty; and maybe did feel put upon by her DH at having to host (to her high standards) and was actively but subtly being unpleasant so you wouldn't come back! I'd love to know if she's done this to more of her DH's friends' partners.
It's hard to forget about something that seems so unjust, but people are right, she's just a bit of a cow. Nothing you did could be criticised at all, IMO. Especially the lie in - she should have been delighted for you!

She was a terrible host op. You did nothing wrong.

The whole point of hosting is to welcome and entertain your guests, making them feel as comfortable as possible while doing so.

She sounds like the sort of person who enjoys making people feel uncomfortable.

Ive had this happen to me on a couple of occasions. The wives/girlfriends of my then partner’s friends would be rude and refuse to speak to me and walk out of the room if I entered alone and tried to pass the time in any way by chatting. Both were matrimonial lawyers funnily enough.

Her husband at one point said something about how t hey love to host and she responded v angrily "oh do WE. Interesting".

this really tells you all you need to know.

her DH seems to routinely DH ditch hosting responsibilities onto her. she rightfully is annoyed about it and instead of standing up to her DH she took it out on you.

did you feel her DH helped with hosting/cooking/entertainment/childcare?

Just put her in the box in your head for the all the fuckwits and shut the lid. Then anytime your DH suggests meeting them just say no you can't stand her. Job done. I'm 50 and I spent years putting up with shit like this from people because I thought I should and giving them far too much head room. Then I learnt to say no to people who are horrible. I was the nicest, politest, softest touch ever so if I can, you can. It is rather empowering.

@Bluntness100

She was a bit bitchy yes, I’m wondering how she’d view you if it was mutual dislike. However I’m also of the opinion it’s not so bad that a year later you should still be going on about it.

Maybe she’s just socially inept with folks she doesn’t know, maybe she was a bit bitchy, maybe she was frazzled with having so many folks stay, maybe she didn’t like you, who knows, But a year later you should have passed this off by now and let it go.

Yes I'm wondering that too. She went straight in with the drawn out comments on what had happened ten years before (it went on for ages, and she googled at length and passed round her phone with 2/3 photos of the woman he'd spoken to) so from that point on I was a little quiet and guarded. I imagine she'd say I had no personality to be honest!

But yes you're right I need to let it go. I think I felt very vulnerable at the time, in hindsight we probably shouldn't have gone, and it was a shock to feel attacked, but it was almost a year ago and it's completely unimportant in the scheme of things.

Maybe you just imagined the whole thing.

She sounds horrible. Can’t see that you did anything wrong. If a guest of mine slept until 10 I’d be happy that they were comfortable.

Put it behind you and keep your distance.

Just seen your last comment at 10.05 op.

She didnt want you there and felt resentful and so, lashed out at you. I’d imagine she had a right ding dong with her husband when you left. She saw you as an easy outlet for her anger at being forced to host.

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches

Just put her in the box in your head for the all the fuckwits and shut the lid. Then anytime your DH suggests meeting them just say no you can't stand her. Job done. I'm 50 and I spent years putting up with shit like this from people because I thought I should and giving them far too much head room. Then I learnt to say no to people who are horrible. I was the nicest, politest, softest touch ever so if I can, you can. It is rather empowering.

I have promised I will behave in a dignified way if we cross paths again. It was hard to say anything as a guest. If the opportunity comes up I'd love to ask her why she thought those comments were ok.

I kept bloody inviting them to stay as I was locked in people pleasing "make it better" mode. Imagine if they said they wanted to.

To whoever said maybe I was imagining it, I'm guessing that's suggesting this isn't real. If only, seriously. I feel pathetic that it still bothers me after a long time, and when so many more important things are going on I y the world, and in my own life.

Three nights and 5 non family members (if I’ve counted the correct number of children!) staying - I think she was a bit stressed. Yes she was rude and awkward but also quite an imposition having that many people for three nights when they’re not family.

Hmm, she sounds possessive towards your husband. "We've known him for so long... we know his previous girlfriends/potential girlfriends, you are just one of a series... I can talk inappropriately intimately about his love life... he's really my our property and not yours, you know."

It's a weird form of one-upmanship. You are not being unreasonable in sensing the (not very subtle) hostility and competitiveness there.

Who knows why she does it? Maybe she fancies your DH, maybe she dislikes or envies you, maybe she resents the work of hosting, maybe she's just one of those people who sees life as a competition.

The sleeping thing: no, you were not rude. I would be delighted if a guest of mine slept in. Shows that they are comfortable and relaxed and enjoying themselves. That's what a host wants. Did she expect you to be on duty and at attention from 7am, entertaining her? If so, why wasn't she equally annoyed with your DH, who was also absent during those hours? Just weird.

@KaleJuicer

Three nights and 5 non family members (if I’ve counted the correct number of children!) staying - I think she was a bit stressed. Yes she was rude and awkward but also quite an imposition having that many people for three nights when they’re not family.

Yes. They do have a separate flat thing attached to their home, and a daily cleaner, but it's always a bit stressful having people to stay. Especially when you don't really know them and it's for 3 days. I think in hindsight I let husbands certainty about it being a great idea sway me more than I should have. She did almost everything, in terms of planning and cooking, and I expect she is always expected to be in charge of this as she describes her husband as the "worker" and herself as a homemaker. they have guests a lot. Maybe we were the straw that broke the camels back.