Was she a terrible hostess, or was I a rude guest?

[PeopleAreAllWeveGot]

Im hoping someone might be able to help me to understand something that’s been really bothering me for almost a year now, whenever I think of it. I’ve name changed but long time member (penis beaker, cancel the cheque etc).

Last year, my dh and I went to stay with a Uni friend of his and his wife, & 2 kids.

I had met his mate a few times and he was nice. They’d been at our wedding but aside from brief hellos and thanks for coming I hadn’t spoken to his wife much.

I’d had our third child 3 months before we visited, so was feeling pretty fuzzy the entire time, but I can’t stop thinking about how awful his wife was to me when we were there! Whenever it pops into my head I wonder how I could have handled it better. And also whether I somehow misread the situation.

Mi dh had last visited them 10 years earlier, around the time I met him. I’d heard all about this trip, and the fact he’d chatted up a girl in a bar there and she’d not been interested (we were friends when we first got to know each other, because his long term ex had hurt him badly and he didn’t want to get serious too soon. Massively overshared with each other, but that’s another thread). It wasn’t a huge deal, he was talking about other girls he’d been chatting up in the next breath (!) And then a few months later, after i’d put a stop to the “friendship” and he’d done a bit of dating with others, he got back in touch and we ended up together. Now been married many years.

Anyway, back to this woman. Literally the first thing she spoke about, in front of some of their extended family who were there, was his last visit. But it was ALL about this girl he’d chatted up. She knew who the girl was from her husband (they live in a very small place). And she made a point of finding the girls picture online (local businessman’s daughter it seems) and showing everyone there while saying repetitively and loudly “she is totally out of your league! No wonder you didn’t get anywhere!!!”. She showed me the picture too, anything else would have been rude 😳 I was sort of “ah yes she’s lovely”, in a bemused way. She did say “not that you’re in his league. But you’ve just had a baby so...”

I thought that was probably just a bit of an unguarded weird moment from the wife. But over the course of a 3 night stay, she literally made a point of telling me 3 times that she’d really really liked Dh’s ex (who she had met just once at their wedding 12 years ago, and who’s name she had forgotten). Like REALLY lovely girl. She REALLY REALLY liked her. Ive net the girl and she’s very nice. I have nothing against her. It just felt so so over the tip and fake coming from this woman, especially as she genuinely had to be reminded the first time she said it who the ex was, what she looked like, and what her name was.

She was an amazing host to my kids and husband, like outstandingly welcoming and lovely. She is an incredible cook. She took us to meet their friends, and made efforts to keep us entertained. Their home was immaculate. There was just this glitch in the matrix when it came to me!

Honestly, I got the feeling she was actively trying to make me feel like crap. We were guests so of course I was just friendly and didn’t respond to the strange comments.

One morning my husband let me sleep in while he took the baby and the two kids on a walk. Friends wife made a hugely pointed comment when I came downstairs at 10, I can’t remember what it was but I got the very strong impression she thought I was the rudest guest in existence because I hadn’t woken early. Is it terrifically rude to sleep in when ones a guest? I wouldn’t usually do it, ever, but I was exhausted with the baby and it was such a lovely holiday treat I let it happen.

Basically when we left I felt so relieved never to have to see this woman again. But every few months the trip pops into my head and the full horror of it washes over me. AIBU for feeling like this? It makes me want to message her and say “that was a really tough time, and I can’t believe anyone would be such a bitch! Is it because I was huge and exhausted and you saw someone weak to prod? Because that makes you evil.” But obviously I won’t.

So, AIBU for thinking she was being bitchy? Or are these normal things to say and I was exhausted and being overly sensitive? Is it so rude for a guest to lie in, that they deserve to be put in their place? If she WAS being a cow, why would someone do that?

She sounds like she was trying to make her territory which is a fucking Ridiculous thing to do anyway.

To begrudge the mother of a tiny baby an extra hour or so of sleep? Cunt.

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine

did your dh notice?

Yes and he found it weird. But didn't know what to do or say.

When she made the laying in comment he said that he'd wanted me to sleep as I hadn't for months and I was exhausted. But it sounds like laying in was rude whether endorsed by dh or not

A host is supposed to make you feel welcome. She didn't so therefore she wasn't as good as host as she made out.

You slept in because you have a small baby by the sounds of it. So not as rude as it would normally be (it would be rude if you all had older children and everyone else was up but you).

She sounds disgruntled by you, but hopefully you won't have to see her again!

She's just a bitch and wanted to be centre of attention so she found ways to shut you up so to speak.

I think you handled the situation very well, she wanted a reaction and you didn't give her one.

seriously what you have said is not THAT bad op, you need to stop ruminating about it.

I included the paragraph about how good a host she was because (yes of course including me) on the surface she was a great host. But under the radar, as it were, she was saying these things, and only to me. If she'd not said the things I mentioned she is a host I would want to emulate. Maybe that's why is was more stark- the difference between how warm the mechanics of the stay were and how she was being with me?

Yes you have a point. Her behaviour was inexcusable. The only good thing out of this is hopefully you'll never have to see her again?

And you know what, if it gives you closure, send that text. Why spare her feelings if this is hurting you?

But it sounds like laying in was rude whether endorsed by dh or not

that is not really up to DH is it though?
it wasnt a hotel?

Yes, she was weirdly inappropriate, but what I find almost as weird was why neither your husband or ex called her out on it at the time, I mean if my husband got out pictures of some girl a guest chatted up 10 years ago, especially in front of their partner I'd tell him to out a sock in it and be really angry with him afterwards. And if I was your dh, I'd just say as light heartedly that I hardly think this is appropriate but shooting a warning look at her.

If your husband is a good guy then I'd probably talk to him about how shit it made you feel and he I'm sure will validate how horrible she was. If nothing else it will remind him how bad she was so he never arranges a repeat visit or for them to come and stay with you!

@AnneBullen, bit unnecessary

Sounds awful and not very welcoming to you, though to be honest I don’t think I’d have gone to stay with people I barely knew so soon after having a baby. As they are majorly long term friends of your DH I’d give them a second chance, but if it didn’t go well I’d write it off and the husbands can meet up alone moving forwards. Life is too short to be around people that make you feel bad about yourself!

She sounds awful, stop thinking about her now.

Shes a cow.Move on.

you dont even particularly know them, why should you stay in bed til 10? you are not a princess?

😂 Who cares if the op slept in. If my guests wanted to sleep in they would be more then welcome to. It's all about being a good host not some weird psycho control freak.

She was rude but why did you go and stay three days with someone you don’t know that well anyway? Perhaps she wasn’t very happy about being host and unfairly took it out on you. I wouldn’t sleep in when staying in someone else’s house, lie ins are for hotel or holiday houses or in my own home. So I probably would find it a bit weird if someone did that when staying at my house but I wouldn’t say anything

YANBU. She seems to have been deliberately nasty to you. Getting up at 10 is hardly the end of the world. Put it behind you, and don't ever visit again!

10am is not a massive lie in! I’d have brought you a cup of tea in bed and encouraged you to chill in your room as long as you liked.

Most of us would have forgotten by now I think - perhaps you are ruminating on it because you do actually need to send the text or something. You’ve not forgiven yourself for not standing up to her? Like “why did I lie down and take that?”I can feel like that sometimes.

Unless your sleeping area is in a communal room that other people use (such as the living room) or everyone had plans to do something that day that involved strict timekeeping, then there is nothing wrong with sleeping in as a guest! Especially if your DH had taken the DC out so they weren't under the hosts feet.

I once stayed with an ex and his parents for the weekend who got very sniffy because I slept in til 9am when they got up at 6.30. At the time I worked FT in a very busy job which also involved 2.5 hours of commuting per day, and I was often exhausted. The parents were retired and did very little, but apparently felt I should have been up too. I never stayed there again.

Unless we had plans for the day, or they were taking over the living room and snoring away in it and nobody else could use it, I can't imagine getting annoyed at a guest sleeping in. Especially a new mother!

We have a lot of houseguests and I’m delighted if they sleep in. Partly because I love having peaceful me time in the mornings and also because I want them to feel relaxed and at home in my house.

She sounds socially awkward to me - desperately trying to make conversation and then saying the wrong thing.

Did your husband pick up on this? What did he say about her?

Ah it's @CrowdedHouseinQuarantine, fresh from her goady thread on why she chooses not to unfriend racists or report them to their employers. Yet perfectly happy to ask women on the internet 'were you physically huge'.

Lying in isnt rude at all. When we have overnight guests - none of whom have babies or small children - we don’t care when they get up - and given we won’t have gone to bed til the small hours, 10 would be considered early. Don’t give this woman headspace. She isn’t worth it.